What I mean is that not once did I ever think I dragged my wife down the stairs until I read what she wrote in the Order of Protection. I remember reading it and being shocked at what she wrote because I literally had no recollection of it at all. In the 2 months after this day, my wife never brought it up once. I truly was shocked when I read it in the Order.

I wondered why she said that I dragged her down the stairs when this was the first time I had ever heard about it in my life and had no recollection of it, so I started thinking about what may have happened. I honestly don't remember even "scooting" her down the stairs, I was simply trying to think of what could have happened to cause her to say what she did in the Order of Protection.

When I read the Order of Protection, that was the first time the thought of me dragging her down the stairs entered my head. She nor her parents never said I had done that prior to what I read in the Order, and I never thought I had done it either. It was never a thought in my head. And so I have wondered if her lawyer advised her to exaggerate on the Order. I hope this doesn't come across as minimizing; I'm being completely honest.

Yes, I was wrong for kicking her out of the house. I was mad at her about lying to me about a guy she was talking to and thought I was being a strong husband/man by putting my foot down. I wish I had done things differently.

I apologize for not having read the Basic Concepts yet, but I didn't see anything about it on the Board Rules. I did not mean to lie, and I do not lie to my wife. I have lied in the past, but haven't lied for quite some time.

Melody, thanks for the suggestion of joining an anger management program. I thought my weekly abuse intervention program would help with this (and I think it is), but I see the value in joining a separate program just for anger management. I will listen to the radio clips in the thread you linked and will also find an anger management program in my area.

Markos, you asked why my wife should return to me. I don't blame her at all for leaving. I realize that I was awful to her. But I really am making positive changes and am trying to do everything I can to completely stop those negative and dangerous and hurtful behaviors in my past. So, I hope when she sees my changes through my actions and not my words, and remembers the good times as well as the fact that I'm the father to her boys, that she will give me another chance. But I know I have no chance with her unless these changes are legitimate and permanent. That's why I'm here: To get help.

Tonight at my abuse intervention program, I am going to ask for any recommendation for anger management programs. This abuse program has been extremely painful in forcing me to see who I really was, and I'm sure the anger management program will be painful too, but I will go through whatever pain I need to in order to become a safe man and husband. Besides, I put my wife through an enormous amount of pain. This is the least I can do now.

Melody and markos: Thank you for being tough with me. I apologize if my explanations don't make sense and if they still seem like minimizing and denial. Please help me with stopping those two negative things, if you don't mind. I really don't want to minimize or deny anything.

Oh, and Melody, you asked if I was on narcotics. I have never taken a narcotic drug in my life.

What is your abuse prevention program based on? I don't think can be a substitute for anger management because they have not taught you the critical first step of anger management and that is the acceptance that nothing makes you angry except yourself.

myzel, another thing you could really benefit from right now is the book, Lovebusters. That will open up your eyes in a huge way. You can get it at amazon or they sell it cheap here. That is the book you need most right now. The first 5 chapters focus completely on anger issues.

Do you think your wife lied about dragging her down the steps?

Yes, you were.

When you are mad, you are temporarily insane. Everything you are thinking of saying or doing is crazy and is going to make your problem worse. It certainly did here, didn't it?

When you are upset, you should not say or do anything until you have relaxed and calmed down, because everything you are thinking of saying or doing is insane and is going to make your problem worse.

You would be so much better off right now if, when you felt mad, your automatic habit was to do nothing. You would be so much better off right now if you had done nothing, wouldn't you? You need to practice relaxing until you can make every single muscle in your body relax. And then you need to practice relaxing when you think of things that frustrate you, until you have practiced it so much that it just happens automatically by habit.

There are no problems in life that get better by going temporarily insane.


Okay, quit apologizing, and get to reading them! I would suggest reading them every day thereafter.

There's a lot of work to do, starting with a lot of education.

YES.

I spoke with the leaders of my abuse intervention program on Tuesday night. I am only five weeks into the 26-week program, and they said we are definitely going to be going into anger management territory, so really the program is a hybrid abuse intervention / anger management program.

I agree that the first step of managing my anger is accepting that I alone am responsible for my anger--no one or nothing else. I have truly been slowly learning that via the abuse program and also in the time apart from my wife.

Melody, can you talk more about your idea of a marital reconciliation plan? Should I go through my MIL or offer it to my wife via her lawyer? I do think this is a good idea as I have no idea if my wife knows I'm in this abuse / anger management program and am about to start a sexual addiction group program as well. And I really like the idea of trying to set up a line of communication between my wife and me that is completely monitored and supervised by a coach/counselor/mentor.

Can you explain this sexual addiction group? What is that about?

Since you have an RO against you, I would make sure you do this in a proper and legal way so you don't get in trouble.

I would fashion a letter to her that outlines a program of marital recovery. It would go something like this:

Dear Sally, I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my actions have made you unhappy and I am committed to change.

I want us to have a happy, safe marriage where we are both in love but I know it will take a lot of work. I am prepared to do that work and have a plan to restore our marriage. The first and most critical step of my plan is to get training so I never have another angry outburst again. I have enrolled in an anger management course that addresses this. I will not ask you to reconcile until I have changed this aspect of my personality.

In the meantime, I am asking that we communicate through email so we can start discussing a plan for our marriage. The plan that I have in mind is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

All my love,

I like that letter and just read through the MB plan you linked to.

I have already written a letter of empathy and validation to my wife but haven't given it to her yet due to the restraining order. Do you think I should use my letter as a foundation and then at the end add in the part that you described regarding forming a marital plan? I'd be happy to paste the letter here if you want.

Also, do you think suggesting all of this to my wife may push her away? I know there are some people who think when a wife leaves you just need to give her space and time without pursuing or pressure, otherwise she'll continue to be pushed away. Thoughts?

Thanks!

I would stick to actions. She needs to hear actions at this point. That is the only thing that will change your marriage.


Some people are silly. She is already pushed away so it is silly to suggest this will "push her away."

Did you get the book Lovebusters? That is where you will need to start in your program of recovery. You need to read it and be prepared to work on the lessons in that book if she agrees to this plan.

And she may not agree to it now, but may change her mind in the future. So if you get rejected now, don't be too discouraged because you will have planted the seed.

And work on the Love Busters now even if she hasn't agreed to the program. I should have done that a year ago, so I wouldn't have to do them now, and we'd be in a better state. It will give you less to focus on when she does accept the plan.

Are there success stories on here where a wife forgave her husband and chose to reconcile or rebuild a healthier marriage with him when he has done what I've done:

Emotional/verbal/physical abuse

Two emotional affairs, flirting and inappropriately talking with other women (even her good friend)

Pornography

I feel like my wife has so much to forgive and get over, and even though I know I'm on the right path now and feel total remorse for what I've done to my wife, I fear it may be too little too late.

Any success stories at all? Or should I just give my wife the divorce she wants and try to re-date her and rebuild our family after she gets the closure from her divorce? I ask because my counselor--who knows my situation and my wife very well--believes she'll divorce me because she needs this divorce as a symbolic gesture that her former life of oppression, control, and abuse is definitely over. But he also believes in two years we'll be back together, if I continue on this path.

Is this mutual restraining order in writing?

Yes, it is in writing, unfortunately. I am going to ask my lawyer to drop my end of it, however, since I never wanted it in the first place.

SInce it is in writing, I would not send her that letter. You will be in violation of the RO.