Hello All, I'm hoping to get some advice while I wait for the books I ordered (His Needs/Her Needs and FILSIL). I have no idea what I'm doing, if it's right or wrong or what to do now/next.
My husband cheated a couple weeks ago. He has been open and honest. Told me right away. Says he wants to work on our marriage. We are now seeing a marriage counceler. He said he completely ended the affair. It only happened once. He met with her 4x and texted frequently. We still live in the same home. We work opposite shifts. I only see him about 2 days/week. I thought that was helping but he became lonely.
We've been together almost 20yrs, married for 7years, no children. We've had our fair share of issues and we were recently working on trying to get that "spark" back. Thats when he met her and she made him feel good about himself. He's never had a serious relationship other than me and has always had confidence issues. He's finally feeling like hes in good shape, works out regularly, and was craving attention. Apparently, it felt different getting it from someone other than me. I understand why he did it and forgive him. I want to be the one he desires to be with again. I thought we were headed in the right direction. Then she pursued him and he couldn't resist the attention.
My issue is, I have been expressing all my feelings and reassuring him of my love, but he's barely able to show me anything back. I know hes in withdraw from her. He misses her and that crushes me. From what I've read, I need to stop telling him I love him and stop reminding him of what we had and can still have. This goes against every fiber in my being. I MISS HIM. I want to connect again so badly, I want to text him and write him notes. But if this is suffocating him...I don't know if I can just sit back and wait.
Please, is there someone with some honest advice they could give me on what I should be doing to save my marriage? Thank you for reading.

Hi SA, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. One of the biggest problems I see here is that you work opposite shifts. Is that being changed?

And please put aside the books HisNeeds/Her Needs and get Surviving an Affair. That is the book you need now. Here is the extraordinary precautions checklist from that book:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Please put aside forgiveness for now because it is very inappropriate.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Thank you for the quick reply. I will get that book as well. Everything except writing OP a letter is/has been done. I haven't been asking him to account for time because of the opposite shifts. As far as I know he comes straight home from work. I'm currently trying to change shifts, but not sure when a position will open.
Should I stop leaving notes for him to read when he gets home? Should they include my feelings? Or do I just sit and wait for him to get over the OP?

Why is forgiveness inappropriate?

Can you read the article I posted?

Also, is the OW married? And if so, have you informed her husband? Where did he meet the OW? How far away does she live and work from him?

Helping with what? What problems existed in your marriage prior to the affair?

As a condition of recovery, you need to insist that he learn to meet your emotional needs for affection and conversation. If he is not willing to do this, for whatever reason, then this is not going to work. It is horribly unfair for you to have to live without these emotional needs being met in your marriage, as it would be unethical for you to have them met anywhere else.

He should be leaving you notes! But more than that, he should be setting up at least 15 hours a week in his schedule to be alone with you and to give you his undivided attention and meet your emotional needs for conversation and affection.

Work through the recovery steps in Surviving an Affair with him, and all of this will be set up.

OW is divorced...ironically, because he cheated, they have a child.. She lives close to his work and he met her from a maintenance job he did at her house.

I read your Exposure 101 article. I guess I must be missing something? I forgive him because I understand why he did it and part of me is glad he did it. I don't want him to resent me or always wonder what if...he knows that relationship would never really work, she has too much "baggage". He doesn't see a future with her. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I just honestly forgive him. But I truly want to know why it is inappropriate, I'm experiencing so many feelings maybe I just cant see it properly.

They have a child together?


The article I posted explains why "forgiveness" is very inappropriate. Please read it.

You are glad your husband had an affair? I am not following you.

Because we weren't fighting. Our time together was more quality.
Yes, we've had issues. Sexual dysfunction on his part was the most recent. He couldnt even perform for the OP. I had lost my job and went back to school...financial struggles while I got back on my feet. We were just kind of floating through life. He's not happy with his job and where hes at in life...not having kids. Etc.

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SA, just so you know, this is a huge red flag. The solution to marriage problems is to solve the problems, not to spend less time together. Spending less time together causes emotional detachment that leads to affairs. The solution is to NEVER fight and make all of your time "quality time." It takes 15 hours per week of quality time to sustain the romantic love in a marriage.


Probably a good idea for him to quit his job. He is too close to the OW for comfort.

I've been afraid to push him away or smother him with all my needs. He says it doesn't feel natural or genuine to him anymore. That I'm only acting this way because of what happened. If I would have known he needed more affection and adoration from me, I definitely would have to prevent this. He says he's having a difficult time not talking to her anymore and it's hard to hear these things from me now.
A lot of what I read says I should stop saying these things because it will just cause him to pull away. He hasn't responded much to any of my notes, at first, just a quick text that says I read every word and he loves me. The last few, nothing. He hasn't hardly texted me much unless it's responding to one of mine. We didn't really text much before all this, but he certainly did with the OP.
We are spending my off days together. Not sure if 15hrs are undivided or not though...we'll need to focus on that.

Part of me is glad he had the affair, yes. So he could experience another "relationship" because we[he] were having sexual issues, and now he knows they are still there with someone else. Because he had a strong attraction to her and I worried he would eventually resent our relationship wondering about her and what if? Because I think he did it on some level thinking I would surely leave him and he wouldn't have to make a decision about any of it or face his true feelings. He was shocked that I didn't leave him...I was shocked that I didn't leave him. Now we both want to move forward and really work on our issues. He just doesn't know how to get her out of his head. And I don't know what won't push him away.

What did you fight about?


These are very common wayward lies. My guess is he has been unfaithful more times than you know.

Thats really messed up. The problem is that your husband fell out of love with you because you are not together anymore. Your marriage problems could have been solved without him having an affair. An affair is the worst thing that can happen to someone; as traumatic as rape or physical assault. I have never heard someone say they were "glad" their spouse did that to them.

Yeah...it is really messed up. Maybe I'm still in shock, I still can't believe he did it. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.
This is the first time in 20years I ever felt threatened that he would leave. In the past, I think he always felt threatened by me. He is an introvert and I am very social. In the past, I would choose my friends over him; go to parties and functions without him. He would refuse to go and try to make me stay home. I felt he was trying to control me and would make excuses that it was okay for me to do this. I know it was wrong and I NEVER had any kind of affair. I was just selfish. We struggled with it a lot before we got married. We worked through all those issues, went to counseling. And the first few years of marriage we were the closest we had ever been. When I lost my job and had to start over, it put a burden on our relationship. We couldn't find balance. I didn't feel like he was supporting my efforts and he felt like I wasn't pulling my weight. When I finally made it through, things were getting better and I felt like we were becoming close again. We were working on us. I work the afternoon shift and thought it was helping because when we did see each other on the weekend, we had stuff to talk about. We spent quality time together. We didn't nag each other. We compromised more. What I didn't realize was how lonely he had become. We lost our connection and didn't do anything to hold on. He's not one to text or talk on the phone much so I guess I was surprised that he had that kind of relationship with the OW. It hurts that he was able to communicate with her in ways he wouldn't with me. I'm trying to change my shift but I don't know when or if anything will open up to do so. Nether one of us is in a position right now to quit our job or try to find a new one.
I appreciate all your feedback. Thank you for reading.

We mostly had financial issues with me losing my job and going back to school. I felt he wasn't suppoting my needs he felt I wasn't pulling my weight. We moved and the stress that's involved with all that. He's not happy at work and would bring home those issues, take out his frustrations on me. He would be short with me, angry all the time...then acknowledge it wasn't really me he was mad at. He wants to find new employment...he's lost on what to do. That is also something we have been working on and will continue to work on.
I truly don't believe he's ever had another affair. He's always been honest with me. The communication between them was less than two weeks. There are actually two levels to his affair. He first told me about her the day after they kissed, before they even had sex. He broke off all contact and we started seeing a counselor. I made the mistake of not insisting clearly that he not have any contact with her. I even told him I loved him enough to let him go if he wanted to pursue her. He said he wanted me and to work on our marriage. Then, a few days later, he met up with her again and that's when they had sex. He told me the very next day. He couldn't face me knowing what he did. I also believe he wasn't able to perform for the OW, I know he tried. He has no reason to lie about that at this point. I've now made it perfectly clear he's to have no contact with her, he swears he hasn't. Maybe I'm being naive, but I honestly believe him on this.
I appreciate your feedback, thank you.