OK, I understand that. I can see how it would be interpreted that way. Honest, in my analysis, I came up with the contrast of how the dog behaves with me versus how he behaves with her for the sole purpose of me being more responsible and aware. My pint was not to shift blame anywhere. I assume full blame/ responsibility.

The description of the dog's attachment to my wife was to contrast his behavior and how I should have handled it differently, better.

My bad. I am an idiot.
Apologies,
remark

Marko's wife, Markos, Anyone,

Perhaps, I continue to be an idiot. Should I have assumed to send my daily e-mails to Dr H on Thursday (Thanksgiving), Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the holiday weekend?

Thanks,
remark

What would your rationale be for not sending them those days?

We were at her family's place Thu, and left early Friday for my family 6 hours away where we were until Sunday around 5 PM when we got home. I thought it presumptuous and imposing on Dr H and assumed he was celebrating the holiday with his family as well. Doesn't everyone except those who have to work retail on Black Friday weekend?

I didn't take my PC either. Technically, I could have logged on to my parent's PC or used my phone to e-mail him. I just thought it was a holiday for him and everyone and left him alone.

I resumed Monday.

Is that stupid?

Thanks,
remark

I'm thinking the lack of responses here means you agree with W and I should have e-mailed Dr H every day this past weekend, despite it being a holiday weekend.

I blew it. Again.
Full of regrets,
remark

I wasn't online until now but yes you should either have emailed Dr. H everyday because YOU said you would or you could have simply asked your wife if she thought you should email him given that it was a holiday weekend and POJAed the issue. Either one would have been a simple solution instead of you assuming and doing nothing...that has been a major complaint with her. Either you assume or you ignore instead of communicating. Everyday means everyday...not everyday except...

Words should have weight, Remake. I divorced my exWH because he was a cheater but also because his words meant NOTHING either. You can not afford to make assumptions. I don't think stupid is the right word but it is extremely aggravating when a spouse does this...especially when your spouse is at the end of her rope.

Thanks, BR, I get that.

What to do now? The few things she will ask me, I do. The little interaction we do have, I give her UA and complete eye contact and attention. That's all I can do.

I keep reading forum stuff, and relistening to Dr H, MBRadio of the day we were on.
remark

I need to log off and do some stuff with my kids but you said, "I get that." I have seen you say this after the fact many times...after dropping the ball again. I have seen you ask posters what to do many times...even though you listen to MB radio, have spoken with Dr. H, and your wife has made umpteen complaints over the years.

My advice is to stop being lazy and think of something on your own. I am not saying that to be mean either. I was not willing to draw my H a diagram after he repeatedly missed the boat, time and time again. Repeatedly saying you're sorry doesn't cut it. So brainstorm about what you can do or what you should stop doing.

Dr. H specifically asked your W if you were capable or not. You heard her answer so go from there.

OK, thanks. Will do.
Thank you for your time.

Don't just do the few things she will ask you. Your wife is in withdrawal, which means she does not feel like having you meet her emotional needs. So she's not interested in asking you to do much of anything.

Work the program, Remark. You listen every day, so you know what is entailed. Eliminate your love busters, STOP DEBATING WITH HER, STOP LECTURING HER ABOUT WHAT THIS PROGRAM SAYS SHE SHOULD DO, and start meeting her emotional needs.

The whole point of this program is to turn men into irresistable husbands who sweep their wives off their feet by meeting all of their emotional needs. Not turn them into clueless guys who can't take a next step without asking their wife what to do.

Don't disappear again, got it?

P.S. When is the last time you said "I try"?

There was something your wife found attractive about you once upon a time when you first met or she wouldn't have married you. I highly doubt you dismissed her feelings or made her feel unimportant. With you having four children from a prior marriage, I don't think she was signing up for that because she thought you were a troll. You have known her for 20 yrs...what does she like (without asking her)?

Think about it...

And it was pretty clear from your posts earlier that you were promising to do so every day.

When you failed to follow through on this simple thing, it made her (and us) feel like she was being played for a fool. It showed that this program isn't a high priority with you; it's something to bring up in crisis moments and then forget. So the changes this program advocates will never be permanent with you; only temporary promises made in crisis, to be forgotten quickly. (Very quickly, apparently.)

No dickering around, Remark - don't insinuate that we are fools. Every single one of us read on this thread that you were going to email Dr. Harley every day, and you didn't do it, so don't argue about it, start doing it now.

By the way, your list that you made shortly before you left is woefully inadequate. You need to master this entire program.

No demands
No disrespectful judgments
No angry outbursts
No independent behavior
No dishonesty
No annoying habits
15 hours a week giving her your undivided attention
- meeting her need for conversation
-- including all four friends of good conversation
-- including none of the enemies of good conversation
- meeting her need for affection
meet three more emotional needs for her, well
negotiating everything that goes into your schedule, including only things that she is enthusiastic about, so as to build a compatible and enjoyable lifestyle
providing full transparency into your life

You've done plenty of studying of this program - it is time to start doing what the program specifies.

I can't understand why you would think the answer to that is anything other than YES.

I can't understand why you would even discuss it.

Start sending those daily emails seven days a week.

POST THEM HERE ON THIS THREAD AS WELL.

Don't let up until your wife feels your marriage is spectacular.

That's a lie.

Don't be a dramaqueen. Regrets won't save your marriage. Changing your behavior will.

Remark, you gotta get focused here.

Do you have the book Five Steps to Romantic Love?

I suggest you start working through it, a chapter a week. Each section of the book corresponds to a chapter in either Love Busters, or His Needs, Her Needs.

Early on you will tackle Selfish Demands. See if you can get your wife to agree to give you a weekly worksheet listing selfish demands you have made during that week. If she does, POST THEM HERE. If not, post to us regularly and we will try to help you see your selfish demands.

The next week you will tackle Disrespectful Judgments. We know you make a lot of those. Same procedure; you want to invite your wife to give you a weekly worksheet listing your disrespectful judgments - if she feels like it. If not, we will help you spot them. If she does provide you the list POST THEM HERE. We will start working with you to eliminate these, just like we are working with you to eliminate "I try" from your vocabulary.

Eliminating Disrespectful Judgments will be a major step forward for your marriage, but I expect she will still be furious because you also have major problems like Independent Behavior.

Your Love Busters are the reason your wife has no interest in receiving your undivided attention, so it is a very good thing that Love Busters are at the front of the program. Try to spend 15 scheduled hours each week giving your wife your undivided attention, but don't expect her to actually feel enthusiastic about that time until you've gotten very consistent about eliminating the love busters.

Keep progressing through the workbook and eliminating the habits that are highlighted. Ideally you need to eliminate them all at once, immediately. Probably you will need some help learning to spot these. POST HERE REGULARLY for help with that. Any time your wife is upset, post here about it, and don't leave out any details, and allow us to help you understand your wife's perspective, and what habits you need to eliminate or replace. There are lots and LOTS of helpful Marriage Builders posters who can help you understand what you are doing that is upsetting your wife, and who can help hold you accountable for eliminating the upsetting behaviors.

Don't disappear again. It makes you look like you aren't serious about this.

Your wife should be preparing to separate from you if the disrespect and independent behavior don't stop and you don't turn this marriage around for her. This is a crisis that won't take a holiday.

Your wife isn't enthusiastic about it, though, so don't do it.

Don't carve out exceptions to this program.


Whatever care you provide for people outside of your marriage needs to be done only in a way that your wife is enthusiastic about.

I hate to sound callous, but I am assuming that at age 88 you have had many happy years of memories with your father, and there are not so many years left. Meanwhile, if you intend to stay married to JustDaytoDay for life, you have many MORE years ahead with her. Your relationship with HER is the one you ought to be building.


Don't "see points" and thank people - that's a sure sign that you don't intend to take the advice you've been given.

Will you agree to stop doing anything that your wife is not enthusiastic about, including seeing your father if that is how she feels? Will you follow this program, or will you make an exception for this?

We need an answer to this question before we can go forward with you.

"Working on" is code for "doing nothing."

I know, because I was "working on" my own love busters for years. It was all my wife's fault for not getting on board with this program.

Dr. Harley's recommendation for a wife whose husband disregards her feelings and engages in behavior that she is not enthusiastic about is to separate from him.

Since you have often advised your wife to listen to and follow Marriage Builders, will you advise her to separate from you if you keep seeing relatives when she doesn't want you to see them?

You need to fill in your wife on all the details of this event that are missing.

You should offer to take a polygraph examination so she can verify that you are telling the truth about the extent of the relationship and the extent of what happened.

You should get ahold of the list of extraordinary precautions from Surviving an Affair (my wife posts this list frequently) and make sure you are following each and every one of them. Don't make excuses or exceptions or cut corners.