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no she was fired. and yes exposed. What happened here? How did she get fired? Does your H still have the same contact information so she is free to contact him? You had mentioned earlier that she was contacting him. Does she live close by? What has been done to prevent them from resuming contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She was fired partly for the affair and inappropriate actions there, and partly for involving students in her personal drama. My husband is a professor at a small private specialized university. It was the involvement with the students that really pushed it over the top. (Calling students when her ex husband was beating her, but wouldn't call the police) Oh yea and she had also been sleeping with her supervisor prior to the affair getting physical with my husband. I sent an exposure letter to the administration on the day she was fired mid term.
As far as preventing further contact I do have access to all of his accounts. but we are still finding loopholes that she is using to reach out to him. I seal them up as soon as they show up but it has been a learning process. He is not really wanting to close one email in particular and change his phone number due to the inconvenience it will cause but I am still pushing for it.
Also she has all of his work contact info. There is only so much I can control/influence there.
But in general we have blocked her from all social networking avenues (linked in, facebook, google+, etc), email (except Gmail won't actually block, but you can send straight to trash), phone, and physical access. She doesn't have our actual physical home address but her ex husband does have access to that information due to where he works. She also lives close to his office and her kids go to daycare school near our home. So while I wish she would voip off of the planet there are still things i feel i need to keep my guard up about.
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. She also lives close to his office and her kids go to daycare school near our home. So while I wish she would voip off of the planet there are still things i feel i need to keep my guard up about. Oh boy. The fact that she lives close to his office is a HUGE gaping hole in your plan. He can easily go see her whenever he is inclined. You both will be running into her and that will be a disaster. Every time he runs into her or runs across her, puts him back to day 1 of withdrawal and makes it less likely your marriage will recover. I would strongly suggest that you move. Dr. Harley will very likely tell you the same thing. You can email at the radio show. [he gives advice for free] I am warning you, that you are headed for a death of a thousand cuts living close to the OW. ...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Moving would not only get you away from her, but it will give him a chance to start fresh in a new job that the OW doesn't know about. Right now, this is just an affair waiting to happen. It is not a matter of IF, but WHEN. She has full and complete access to him and when he runs into her, his feelings will be triggered. Your feelings will be triggered every time you run into her too. This is a nightmare scenario.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Never see or communicate with a former lover Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage. The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry i appear to have oversimplified. By saying she lives closee to his work I mean her apartment is 20 minutes away whereas our house is 45min from work.
Also her termination barred her from coming to the school or contacting students or graduates. I already have proof that she has reached out to students after her termination so there is hopefully no way she would ever be rehired or allowed back on campus.
Although i do agree that this is a nightmare scenario. We are doing all we can to prevent things. and if she does escalate more we will absolutely be finding new employment etc.
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Torn, many an OW has kept trying to make contact even after the WS has made it crystal clear that they choose no contact.
The reason?
I dunno for certain, but I suspect that it's part of their slimy game that worked for so long...just entice the WS enough for them to make some sort of contact, and then game is on again.
You need to set everything up, YOU need to...so that every possible leak is filled. Doing "what we can" isn't good enough. If she manages to get through to him, it IS going to trigger him. I found out the miserable way with a six month long (beautiful) false recovery. You don't want to go there, please believe me. The "beautiful-ness" of our FR has caused it to take FOREVER for me to even want to meet my Hs needs or accept his extraordinary care now that it is truly real. I'm getting there...but it's taken over a year. That is a miserable road that really is so easy to circumvent with some fail-proof EPs.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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So i am a darn fool. She contacted him via his work email and he caved and called her. He decided to leave last night and spend a week "seeing how the other half lives". He has left me for her. Supposedly he is coming back Saturday morning.
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So i am a darn fool. She contacted him via his work email and he caved and called her. He decided to leave last night and spend a week "seeing how the other half lives". He has left me for her. Supposedly he is coming back Saturday morning. I am so very sorry. But this is what happens when you leave doors open. I would proceed right to Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Although i do agree that this is a nightmare scenario. We are doing all we can to prevent things. and if she does escalate more we will absolutely be finding new employment etc. Do you see now why he has to leave this job and you have to move? Your husband is severely addicted to this woman and you are facing YEARS of an on-again, off again affair if you don't. This will be your lot in life, where he leaves to be with her for a few days and then comes home to you. He will destroy your mental health if you don't step of this slow, churning death.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Torn,
You wrote, So i am a darn fool.
Not really, this affair is your WH choice 100%, it was your WH who is the fool. It's not common knowledge that affairs are addictions and it usually takes a great deal of reading on MB to start to understand that.
You were played for a fool, but that is coming to a screeching halt.
God Bless
Gamma
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So i am a darn fool. She contacted him via his work email and he caved and called her. He decided to leave last night and spend a week "seeing how the other half lives". He has left me for her. Supposedly he is coming back Saturday morning. Change the Locks. Go to Plan B. Do not play this game with him.
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Torn I'm so sorry to read about this development.
I glanced through your thread again and see that on November 14th, you had not yet exposed and mentioned that you didn't feel comfortable with exposing. After that, you did say that you had exposed to work.
Have you exposed to your H's parents and siblings and friends? And to your parents and siblings? Have you exposed to the OW's family and friends? Did you PERSONALLY expose to your H's work?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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Thank you everyone for the support. I agree I am going to be taking more steps to safeguard my family. He came home last night realizing what a horrible mistake he had made. He said every moment there felt like he was doing the wrong thing. He couldn't stay one more night. He is now no longer angry at me for requiring so much from him. And because the anger is gone he is now able to feel the love he has for me. He apologized for quite a while last night.
I plan to sit down with him tonight and go through the full recovery checklist and we are doing everything on it. I do not plan on conceeding to one tiny thing because it is uncomfortable or inconvenient for him. He is committed or he isn't that is all. My mental health and our future marriage can't take anymore waffeling.
He also knows that I met with a divorce attorney this morning so he knows how serious this is to me now. Wish me luck.
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TA, please bring up the issue of him leaving that job and moving. As long as he continues to be close by and have the ability to contact her from work, you will be dealing with this affair for years. quote=MelodyLane] . She also lives close to his office and her kids go to daycare school near our home. So while I wish she would voip off of the planet there are still things i feel i need to keep my guard up about. Oh boy. The fact that she lives close to his office is a HUGE gaping hole in your plan. He can easily go see her whenever he is inclined. You both will be running into her and that will be a disaster. Every time he runs into her or runs across her, puts him back to day 1 of withdrawal and makes it less likely your marriage will recover. I would strongly suggest that you move. Dr. Harley will very likely tell you the same thing. You can email at the radio show. [he gives advice for free] I am warning you, that you are headed for a death of a thousand cuts living close to the OW. ...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718 [/quote]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes i personally exposed to husbands parents, and to husbands work. I also personally exposed to OW's other affair/longtime friend's wife. This was the only person who would have affected her as her husband already knew and she doesn't speak with her parents.
Also the OW exposed to my husband's brother as part of her escalation.
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Torn,
You wrote, So i am a darn fool.
Not really, this affair is your WH choice 100%, it was your WH who is the fool. It's not common knowledge that affairs are addictions and it usually takes a great deal of reading on MB to start to understand that.
You were played for a fool, but that is coming to a screeching halt.
God Bless
Gamma Thank you Gamma. It is hard to remember this during all of the turmoil. I appreciate your words.
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