I've been lurking and learning from MB for the past week or so, and I wish I'd found it sooner. Maybe things would have been different. Regardless, here I am and as suggested instead of trying to find a post that's exactly like my own situation, I'm going to go out on a limb and create my own.

Friday was the 3rd D-Day for us. The A has been on/off for the last 6 months - lots of NC periods but then relapses. I've know about the A since the very beginning, and spent a long time gathering evidence (including video) and preparing myself.

I finally confronted her, and she didn't deny anything or try to explain why it had happened. She wanted to leave immediately as she was convinced that I wouldn't want her anymore, that I couldn't begin to forgive her for what she'd done. She also did a self exposure - telling her friends/family/colleagues even when I asked her not to.

I asked her to stay and work things out, I still love her deeply and couldn't just let her walk away from a 10 year marriage and our 2 year old daughter. She agreed, and we tried for a while. Things were great for about a month, before I couldn't handle it. The trust was gone, I was paranoid and felt like I couldn't reconnect with her. In hindsight, there were some major LB's happening from me.

Needless to say, I still wasn't fulfilling her EN's or even attempting to. I didn't care about her needs, I was too wrapped up in my own anger/betrayal etc. This served only to push her back into his arms.

Things haven't been great between us since the first D-Day in July, we've played the happy family and tried talking, but it's just been LB after LB on both sides. Then on Halloween, after getting quite drunk, she confessed that she hadn't stopped seeing or speaking to the OM and that she was now in love with him. That hurt. Before it was an EA/PA but there was no 'love' so she said, he was just fun.

I couldn't get past this fact. I was completely numb.

Cutting to the chase, last week she came from work and declared she was completely and utterly done with me, the marriage and everything else. I'd been cold with her more often then not since Halloween and her revelation and she couldn't do it anymore. She told me that wasn't in love with me but she still loved me (babble) and said she'd be leaving the next morning. I told her that I wasn't prepared to let the marriage fail, told her that I was going to fight with everything I had to get past this. I apologised for my behaviour and coldness etc and it didn't seem to make a difference.

I spent that night getting drunk on my own figuring out if I was ready for what lay ahead, what I needed to do, who I needed to be and if I loved her enough. The next morning I'd made my decision and found MB.

The rest of that week was possibly one of the best weeks we'd had in a very long time - we talked all night into the morning, and decided to give it another go after she told me that she didn't want a relationship with the OM and that she couldn't live without me. I asked her to stop all contact with him and she didn't agree, but said if things started to work with us she wouldn't need to contact him anyway.

Everything was great, a few moments of LB'ing, but nothing major. Until Friday evening. For most of the week she hadn't really been using her phone much, we'd been having too much fun and enjoying being together (so I thought), but the whole of Friday was spent on her phone and it was as if I no longer existed. I immediately knew what was happening, and tried harder to keep her attention, but nothing made a difference. That night after she'd fallen asleep, I decided to check her phone - something I hadn't done in a long time as finding messages leaves a scar in my mind - but I had to know if the last week was real or not.

Turns out she was meeting him at hotel the following Friday, where he described in detail everything he was going to do her. Fun bedtime reading for me. She woke up as soon as I was done and she knew I'd looked. We argued, I told her to leave, she refused, I said I was done, but she refused, said she was never planning on going to the hotel and was just playing along. I didn't care. She eventually left the house at 3am with nowhere to go - which worried me. She messaged me asking if she could and get her stuff and I agreed. We talked until 8am, she broke down, and I think for the first time she felt guilty about everything. I felt like we were back at square one, but she kept telling me that she loved me and couldn't live without me so we picked up and tried once more.

he weekend was awkward, forced almost, everything felt different. On Monday she asked to have the day to herself, for me to not contact her. She told me that she needed time to figure out what she wants. I agreed.

This brings us to today. She told me that she's never going to fall in love with me again, that she doesn't feel love for anyone except our daughter anymore. She doesn't want me, or him. But she doesn't want me to not be in her life, she doesn't want to live apart, and wants us to be friends.

I've tried to use everything I've learned from MB to help get through this, and I did the same today after she told me that. I think she's in withdrawal/fog and I'm determined to stick with Plan A for as long as possible. We spent the rest of the day together, having a lot of fun, laughing and joking and just being ourselves again. She cuddled me and even mentioned that now she's done with OM we could help each other out in the bedroom every now and then.

I don't think she's stopped contact with OM, but I don't think she saw him the day she took to herself. I'm just very confused right now, I don't know if I'm just fooling myself that things can work with us, or if she can ever love me. I'm not ready to give up yet, I just need a little guidance and advice from you amazing people.

I'm sorry it's been such a long post! But any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated - thank you so much

Welcome to MB.

A few things that jumped out at me:
1. Have YOU exposed the continued contact with OM? I know you said she did a self exposure back in July, but have you exposed?

2. If you are going to Plan A, your lovebusters MUST STOP. COMPLETELY. No more debating her. No more educating her. No more yelling or fighting. They stop completely.

3. You need to be telling her on a daily basis that her continued contact with him is extraordinarily painful to you and your daughter, and you need it to stop.

Hi Prisca and thanks!

1. No, I haven't. It sounds silly but I was going to wait until after Christmas before I exposed everything. It's going to be hard enough already

2. Absolutely 100% agree with you on this. The amount of LB's has reduced dramatically since the weekend, but occasionally I can't hold them back. I'm trying really hard to not let that happen and in all honestly they're usually triggered by thoughts of her with him, the messages etc. Have found that taking 5 minutes out with some headphones and loud music helps, I just dance until I can focus again. I also get very upset and hurt when she tells me that she can't love me again, that it's hopeless etc. I'm trying to recognise my triggers and avoid them.

3. I have been doing this. She gets quite upset at me when I do, or if I ask her if she has contacted him. I have said that one of the conditions of her staying in the house is that she has to stop all contact because she needs space from him as much as me. She agreed, but then told me the more I tell her that she can't contact him the more likely she is to do so. Very mature, I know.

Thank you for the feedback and suggestions, I really am trying but I'm very aware that there's still more work to do on my end.

Don't get to hung up on what she says. My WW gives me the same business about us never being able to be in love again. She still wants to be in the same house, she must have some feeling left.

I have learned that a waywards words mean very little.

Plan A is your best chance. You have to control the LBs. I like to think about the possibilities for my marriage in the future every time I feel like having DJs and AOs; it reminds me of the consequences of my present actions. Don't dwell on the past (I know its easier said than done).

Thanks face1, that's what I was hoping!

She doesn't seem to like the idea of me moving on.

I didn't mean to get into the debate/conversation with her, but she was talking about the future as if this current situation would become the status quo - just friends, never love me again, but live together etc - so I mentioned, kindly, that this wasn't something I would be prepared to do indefinitely and that at some point I'd have to move on with my life and begin to build something new without her. Then she pulls away again!

And Plan A is definitely going to be my primary focus for the next 3-6 months at least. I'm trying to stay hopeful and positive, when I'm feeling drained and ready to quit I find strength in my daughter and I get excited at the prospect of loving my wife again - wholly, without ever needing to hold back. I will fight hard for that day.

Thanks again for the support and insight

Mister,

You wrote, She told me that she's never going to fall in love with me again,

My wife said nearly the same thing to me, and time stood still when she said it, we never fully recovered, but fortunately for you, you landed in the right place.

God Bless
Gamma

Hey Gamma,

Firstly I'm sorry to hear that things never worked out for you and your wife, truly.

Time certainly did stand still for me, funny how only a few words have the power to just suck the air right out of you!

All I can do is live in hope, work harder, fight for us and love her like no one else ever could.

Thanks so much for the encouragement, it means a lot and I hope you're a good place right now

There is no good reason to wait to expose this affair and about a million good reasons to expose it now. There is no such thing as a perfect time to expose and the longer you wait, the harder it will be to save your marriage. "Waiting for a perfect time" is a conflict avoidance tactic used by scared betrayed spouses and we can't help you if you won't take these steps.

I would also add that the holidays are an IDEAL time to expose an affair because it is a time when family comes together. Her family, your family, the OM's family can all have a great influence on your wife and the OM to end their affair.

Is the OM married? Do they work together?

Hi Melody,

You're right about me being scared, that's a definite. We aren't spending Christmas with either of our families this year, obviously will be seeing them but it'll be just the 3 of us at home. I'm not worried about her family, they didn't care the first time around and I doubt they would this time (even though her Dad had a string of affairs and eventually left). My family could be an issue, my Dad actually doesn't know about the first exposure (just my mum) as he'll try to get involved and start all kinds of trouble with WW and OM.

They are ex-colleagues, he was actually fired not long after the affair started. He's single, lives with his parents, no other close family and just a handful of friends. His parents and friends were never informed, not sure if his parents would be able to at least keep him away from her?

We haven't officially exposed the A to her employer (she's a nurse), and most of her colleagues have an idea that something was going on anyway - it's common.

There wasn't much of a reaction at all the first time she exposed what she'd done, which actually made me feel as though everyone apart from my family condoned or at least understood why it happened. All of her friends know about the affair and they're either of the "we'll support you either way" or "I don't want to get involved" variety. None of my friends have any influence over WW.

I don't think she'd be too angry about me exposing everything again, because there were little to no real repercussions from the last time, but she would be quite upset because it will disrupt Christmas.

Here are some really good exposure targets, your family, her family, close friends and most especially the OM's family. If the OM lives with his parents, they might have a problem with their son having an affair and could bring some influence on the affair.

I would also post the OM on cheaterville and send the link around.

Please go read my exposure thread and start making plans. We can help with your strategy. And if the OM has a Facebook page, I would copy all of his contacts NOW and keep it in a safe place.


That is an expectation that she will be angry. If she is not angry, then your exposure was pretty weak and ineffective.

Exposure is therapeutic to all concerned. It is much like penicillin is to infections. And you wouldn't WAIT to take penicillin if you had an infection, would you?

And your wife should not know of your exposures before hand. I would epxose it at the workplace since it took place there. Do you know any of her coworkers? They would also be good exposure targets.

Exposure would be like a Christmas present to your marriage!! Another good reason to do it now.

You're right, I need to do everything I can do disrupt this affair. I've copied both of their facebook friends list to a protected document, and I'll start sending out exposures tomorrow whilst she's at work - I have the whole day to accomplish something! I'm not sure if it will have a great impact, but something is better than nothing. But part of me still fears that it will just push her over the edge, she seems completely done with me at the moment in any romantic way at least... I don't know. If she's done, she's done. What do I have to lose if she's already leaving, right?

Good man! I would use the templates in my exposure thread and make the point with family that you are asking for their help. People are more inclined to help out if you ask for their help.


She is completely done because of her affair. Exposing it will help hasten its death.

I would be sure and put everyone on that list who is important in her life, her parents, close relative, close friends, coworkers, your family and most especially the OM's parents.

Exposure will not kill a marriage, but an affair WILL.

If your exposure goes well, don't be surprised if WW does some drastic things. I have read of several waywards, including mine, who really seemed to lose control when their dirty little secret is shown some daylight. Don't panic and don't give in to her blaming you for the damage you have done. She did the damage, you only told the truth.

That goes for disrupting Christmas as well. You are not damaging anything by telling the truth. Her actions have caused the damage.

The romantic love can be restored. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Exposure to OM's family is a must in my opinion. In my case, the OM's parents had both been the BS at least once in their lives and they were very upset about their son's actions. They were somewhat supportive of me until the finally succumbed to his lies.

Hey everyone, thought I'd give you an update on what's been happening...

Things have gone downhill, I had to delay the exposure as I had a lead on the OM's parents contact details as well as trying to get a hold of the right email addresses for work... The plan was to wait a week - I told my WW nothing of my plan, computer is locked down (I work in ITSec) so there's no way for her to have known in advance (unless she read this post - which I doubt as I'm monitoring her web history).

Anyway, she'd been speaking to the OM for entire week and was giving me the 'friendly' cold shoulder as it were. She had a work christmas party last Friday and OM was there - I wasn't happy AT ALL that she was still going, but I couldn't stop her. We agreed that I would take her and collect her and she reassured me that nothing was going to happen since they'd be surrounded by colleagues etc.

Friday came and went, and she told me nothing had happened but she'd told him to back off and leave her/us alone as she wanted to try again... this took me completely off guard since she'd been telling me for the previous 5 days that we were done.

Saturday morning we talked, agreed that if this was going to happen then a strict NC policy and EP's be put in place. She agreed. I wrote the NC text message, she didn't seem too interested - just told me to get it over with. I sent it, I saw that he'd read it. She's deleted Whatsapp from her phone, removed herself from FB, given me all of her passwords and let's me check her phone (including deleted/hidden items). The following day (Monday) we went to see our GP and she was diagnosed with depression, given AD's and signed off from work for the next 2 months...

Since then she's become completely withdrawn from me, won't touch me or let me touch her more than just rest a hand on her leg or rub her arm. No hugs, no kisses. Nothing. She told me last night that she can't stop thinking about him, how I'll never be enough, I don't have his eyes etc (I hope, hope, hope it's fog) and I tried my hardest not to LB but I slipped a couple of times with some DJ when comparing him to me. I know, I know!

So, my problem now is this. She still says that we are over, our marriage is done, there will never be an us again, that she can't ever see herself loving me in that way again. She won't talk about rebuilding or anything to do with giving us another try. She told me tonight that she's staying here until she feels better in her head and then she can be a proper mother and do what she needs to (leave?).

There's also the issue of exposure... do I still go ahead and do it? Will it make a difference right now? Is this withdrawal or is she really done with me?

I'm trying to Plan A super hard right now, but I'm struggling - the panic is kicking in as well as the anger and the sheer audacity she has to lie next to me in our bed and sob about how much she loves another man - ARRRRGGGHHH!!

Any help or advice please guys, I just need a little encouragement or maybe a reality slap. Very lost right now

Of course you should still expose. Do you want to save your marriage? Keeping the affair a secret fuels the fantasy and keeps it alive. We call that ENABLING. Getting it out in the open will be a cold splash of water on her affair. She will give it up. [for real]

Like you did here:
That is EXTREME enabling when a spouse drives his own spouse to SEEE her lover. Thats not exactly what one would call fighting for his marriage. That is about like driving the crack head to the crack house. Not a very loving act!

Plan A means you EXPOSE. Not just sit there and fiddle your thumbs.