I just found out my husband had a 10 yr, off and on, emotional and sexual relationship with a younger woman from his office. He confessed only after I confronted him with deleted photos from an old phone. Sexting. Really intense stuff. I am devasted. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary. Affair has only been over for 2 years. Maybe. He has a problem with honesty.
He is trying very hard to rebuild our marriage. He promises transparency, acknowledges the hurt he's caused, is open to discussion etc. But I'm not sure I can remain married.
My husband has been a cruel, controlling, and emotionally abusive partner, and only since this affair has come to light has he been kind, supportive, loving.
My self esteem is non-existent. OW is absolutely gorgeous.
I want to love my husband, but thinking of how loving and kind he was to her for 10 years and at the same time being a monster to me sickens me beyond any emotion I've ever felt.
BTW I tried to hold our marriage together because I fought for my family. And I believed in my marriage vows. And I never thought he would betray me. Never.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Does he still work with OW? Is OW married?

Who have you exposed his affair to?

Have you been tested for STDs?

Do you want to remain married?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you, BrainHurts. He no longer works with OW, who is single. I've exposed affair to priest, and also a good friend of mine. And yes, I've been screened. As to whether or not I wish to remain married, I change my mind daily, which is not helping healing. I long for emotional peace

Do you have children? Have you told them?

Who have you exposed to on OW's side?

What family members have you exposed to?

I have two grown children, and I have not told them. Nor have I told anyone in his family. A part of me wants our kids to know, so they can learn how painful betrayal is, but I can't bring myself to cause husband or our children or his famiy hurt. They would all be so very disappointed. Superman isn't so super.

There lies another issue...husbands friends, family all think he is a wonderful, outstanding man, yet I know differently. I know the selfish, hurtful behavior he is capable of. Sometimes I want to scream his secrets....

Please read this. Exposure 101

This is one reason it's important to expose to his family to get the truth out there and get support for the BS.

Please read it and let us know when you'll expose.

Also read this. Exposing to the Children

Did you read the checklist on how affairs should end that I posted to you? Has he done any of these?

He has just experienced the death of a parent (a few days ago)and exposing the affair right now is out the question. I am trying so hard to comfort my betrayer and his family. This huge loss, though, is a game delayer.

Regarding exposure: I feel so much resentment because I have felt the need to protect HIM! I've been so afraid to hurt him, in fear that he might leave me. Interesting that exposing his affair is what my instincts have been shouting, but fear of more loss has driven me back down the rabbit hole.

Please listen to your instincts to expose, because you are correct.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread?

I am very sorry to read of this loss. The simple truth is that it doesn't really make any difference. You need to expose now. Exposure is not punishment. It is the first step in the only proven path toward saving your marriage.

God is always working through the sequencing of events in our lives. I don't know why this timing occurred, but I am confident it was something that was meant to be. Expose now. That is the right thing to do.

Another thing to consider is that your adult children really have a right to know what is going on in their family, particularly at a time of grief. You may think you are doing a great job covering for your husband, but they are likely to sense that a problem exists. If they don't know the truth, they will assume things. They could well place undeserved blame at your feet. You should not set yourself up like this.

I understand why you feel like this is the wrong time, but keeping silent is absolutely unfair to you and is the very type of sacrifice that MB strongly discourages. You can not build a healthy marriage if you let your Giver run all over you like this.

YOU have suffered a loss too though. Dr Harley says that the pain of infidelity is often GREATER than the pain of losing someone from death, even a child. So you too have suffered a great loss and also need support. If you suffered a death in your family, would you keep it a secret because he has just now suffered a death in his family? It is the equivalent.

YOU are not causing your family hurt. HIS AFFAIR is causing your family hurt. Exposure is simply telling people the truth about an event (in your case a 10 YEAR event) that has made an enormous impact on your life and the very essence of who you are.

Your giver is definitely in full swing here. You are thinking about everyone but yourself, trying to protect others. But in doing so you are actually HARMING others. Your WH is free to continue down his destructive path with no accountability other than you (which is not enough, especially with a 10 year affair). Your children only know that their mother is a wreck and perhaps even divorces their father without any knowledge of why, perhaps placing blame on themselves or on YOU because they don't have the truth. Your family sees you as a wreck with no idea why and has no opportunity to support you. I know if one of my loved ones was going through this, I would want to know so that I could support them.

And of course you lose the most. A ten year affair is a devastating blow. You do not want to go through the rest of your life harboring this secret that doesn't even belong to you, living this lie. You do not want to pretend everything is OK when its not, to the grave. This is no way to live.

Marriage Builders can give you a plan to restore your marriage after this devastating blow. But you will need to follow it 100%. You cannot make choices right now based on fear, you need to follow a PLAN. That is the only way to recover your marriage after this very lengthy A. If you make your decisions based on the fear that you will lose him, you are looking at a lifetime of a crippled version of your pre A marriage, and it doesn't sound like that was very good to begin with. It will be that marriage WITH the resentment of an A on top. You do not want that.

You say you are not convinced you want to stay married, and that's OK. You don't have to make that decision right now. But if you want the chance to recover, you will need to follow a PLAN and not your own fears.

BrnHurts: I have reviewed the list and there are some items he is following, others not so much. He has downplayed his affair so much so that he will fudge a little here, a little there. But I see that I need to get serious. This will be my roadmap.

I now believe that keeping this awful secret, especially from my children is not serving them or our family well. Nor me.

I'm scared, but hopeful. Thank you all for your comments. Right now I feel 8 ft tall!

Looks like I've got some reading to do.

Letting emotion and fear drive you is what makes you feel out of control, but having a plan WILL make you feel in control and like you are 8 feet tall!

If you do not feel like you have gotten the full and honest truth about the long term A (or possible others), I would highly recommend you having him take a polygraph as part of recovery. Many posters here in recovery have required this step of their WS. A WS who is serious about paying just compensation and healing their marriage will be happy to do whatever it takes to make their BS know that they have been honest and are serious about recovering. Of course, if he is not serious and still has secrets to hide from you, he would buck the idea of a poly.

If you choose to go this route let us know, we can give you more specific info on how to do this.

Of course the most important piece to recovery is to end the affair and have absolutely NO CONTACT with the AP. Has he done this and how have you confirmed this?

Make sure you read the Exposure 101 thread, when you expose you will want to do it all at once. Don't forget to expose the A to the OW's side as well. Having her friends/family know of the A is a big deterrent for her to continue it. Since you are not really confident when/if it is over, a full exposure should be high on your list.

And don't discuss exposure with your WH. Obviously it is in the best interest of him maintaining his secret second life if you do not expose, so he would likely not be in favor of it.