Perhaps you can ask MIL if she will ask your W if she will accept a letter from you..and go that route but I wouldn't mail W the letter directly. You may even ask MIL via email so you have documentation that permission was given.

Yes, I agree. I was never going to send my wife a letter without either finding out through her mother that she is willing to accept a letter OR send it via my lawyer to her lawyer. That's the plan, at least.

Markos,

I read this that you wrote in another thread about Plan B:

"Pretty much nobody goes to Plan B with hope of recovery. The purpose of Plan B is to save your sanity. Sometimes the wayward spouse does turn around during Plan B and coming back wanting to know what they can do to save the marriage, and sometimes the betrayed spouse is willing to let them. But the point of Plan B is to protect the betrayed spouse.

All of the alternatives are terrible. Continued contact is extremely painful to the betrayed spouse. It's not good for the children, either - they need one healthy, sane parent, since the wayward spouse is AWOL even when present. We have seen women here with post traumatic stress disorder and all kinds of other problems from not going into Plan B.

Some people make the mistake of thinking "Plan B if you want to save your marriage, otherwise divorce." That is a grave misunderstanding of what Plan B is all about. If you want to be healthy, then Plan B, even if you want to divorce."

My wife is doing Plan B, though I doubt she would call it that as I don't think she has ever come to this site before. She had an Order of Protection against me which was downgraded to a mutual restraining order, and her mother is our IM.

I am guessing she did this because her lawyer was afraid of my influence if I was able to talk to my wife and my wife was probably afraid of me losing my temper or getting angry, and yes, she wanted to be emotionally and mentally safe.

I wonder if my wife has PTSD and if this is part of her walling me away from her--this is a fear of mine.

In examples where a wife initiates Plan B because she wants to protect herself and has NO desire to reconcile with her husband, have you seen these kinds of examples work out in the end for marital reconciliation and restoration? I read through cantora's thread here http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2828607#Post2828607 and am quite scared that perhaps my wife is in the same shoes as cantora was in regards to having no desire to reconcile at all and is only doing Plan B to keep herself safe. I guess the difference in my situation is that I'm truly changing my actions and behavior, but I guess the rest is up to my wife to decide.

myzel, we are not interested in other "examples." We are trying to help you maximize your opportunities to give you the best chance at reconciliation. Isn't that what you want?

If you don't want me to spend my valuable time here giving you a plan, then let me know that.

Melody, you're right! I think I will stop reading other threads and only focus on mine since every situation is different. I want reconciliation, even if that is after the divorce, and I think I have a lot going for me:

I truly am committed to genuine and permanent change

My wife and I have two lovely boys

I know my wife has a good heart and wants what's best for the boys

My wife and her family are good Christians who have always accepted the broken and rejects of society

And I do think she still loves me

Please help me with a plan. I will try not to doubt but to be brave and to focus on this hard work. Thank you.

You have about a 50/50 shot at this, but reading other threads will not help your odds. We will try and give you the best advice so you have the best chance.

NOW, what have you done today to further the plan I proposed?

I've been working on devising the letter and outlining the plan with the help of my brother and another good friend. I am meeting with my lawyer on Monday and will go over it with her, as well.

I am about to see my mother-in-law to pick up my boys. Should I say anything to her about the situation? A couple weeks ago she told me that my wife still loves me and that I should keep a journal that I can show my wife what my thoughts were during this time, but she also said I shouldn't wait too long because some women lose their love after a while. I want to ask her about this, but don't know if I should. Any thoughts?

Tell your MIL that you are working very hard on creating a plan that is designed to completley eliminate your abusive behavior and restore the romantic love to your marriage. Tell her you love her DD so much and will do everything to save this marriage. Tell her you need to run it by your attorney to ensure it is presented in a way that does not violate the RO. Ask your MIL to tell your wife you miss her so much and think about her every waking moment.

Why do you need to go over the letter with your lawyer?

myzel,

The only success story for you that you can create is that you do a makeover of yourself thru the abuse intervention program and successfully complete it. You're only into this program for a few weeks, so, IMHO it's too early for you to even think about contacting your W even thru an IM in terms of reconciliation. I would think that your wife would feel that you just have your toe in the water, and that she is still afraid of your physical abuse until you can demonstrate that she will be safe around you. Since you're early on in this program of yours, I would wait another 3 months - that would be March of next year before you even present your 'new' self!

You have a lot of work to do in these next three months, including reading all you can from Dr. Harley's works on Love Busters and Anger Management to supplement what you learn in your current program. And, I don't think you can assume that just because you have kids together and that you are both Christian or that you feel she still may love you will be any influence on her to take you back. It comes back down to you to demonstrate as to why she should.

By the way, since you have a PO against you, is this abuse program you are in certified by your state? I am not a lawyer, but I ask this because I think if your W pursues divorce and cites your abuse for custody, I believe you will need court=acceptable evidence that you completed anger management.

Keep trying and keep the faith,

Tom