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No, he has no ideas about the reaction. He told me over the phone and I kept my voice pleasant and said thank you SO much for telling me. He double checked three times to make sure I was ok and I kept on my happy voice. I did not cry until I hung up the phone. I cannot stand for anyone not to be 100 percent happy with me... We spent a long weekend together. Last night he told me how important it is for me to be happy not just him. He told me how wonderful I am. How much more is he supposed to do.. I just cannot stand to ever make a mistake. It means I am a worthless human being.
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My son is at college and making all A's in a very tough program. The program has lost quite a few people... My son was not slacking off, quite the opposite. He is doing his best. I am just preparing myself that they will not be all A's... And I found out later that the person I was talking to is hoping her daughter just passes Biology..... My son is on the line between A's and B's... And I SHOULD not have said anything about the other student. That is for his parents to say. He thought I should be careful about something I said as it could look like bragging and might make others feel bad. Hmmmmm maybe it's just me but I don't see what you said that was so horrible...so I don't see it as a mistake. I am unclear what you mean by "they have already lost quite a few." Who is "they" and what is "lost?"
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I just cannot stand to ever make a mistake. It means I am a worthless human being. Would you tell your children they should feel worthless if they make a mistake? You have said you are tired...perhaps you should look into ADs. They may help balance out your emotions.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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And I SHOULD not have said anything about the other student. That is for his parents to say. Fair enough, hw47 but you getting to the point of tears is a problem. I suggest you see your doctor about ADs. There is no need to beat yourself up over a mistake like this.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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So how do I fix this flaw. Any comment at all about something I should do differently makes me feel like a failure, worthless and I should have known better...
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Is this the first AD you've been on or have you tried others? How long have you been on them?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I've been on 5mg since Oct 2nd. I've been this way my entire life... I cannot stand to make any mistakes.
Last edited by hopefulwife47; 12/08/14 11:36 AM.
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That may not be enough. I suggest you call your doctor. Usually 10 mg is the recommended dose. Even up to 20 mg can be prescribed.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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He said I could bump it up if need be. But I was pretty dizzy for awhile from just the 5mg. My body reacts very strongly to medication. And how in the world is a pill going to make me stop taking everything personally?????????
I wasn't able to cry or feel much of anything for the first 6 weeks or so and have just finally been able to cry again and have O's...
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A situation last night that I�m not sure how to deal with. We had a SS party� I just wasn�t much in the mood, so I didn�t talk as much as I normally do. I was not my bubbly self. In fact, several people mentioned they thought I was tired and hubby asked me if I was ok when we got home.. Fast forward to this morning.. He mentions something that bothered him and he did it in a very nice way. He thought I should be careful about something I said as it could look like bragging and might make others feel bad. ( I am a little worried about oldest�s grades. He made straight A�s his freshman year but will probably make mostly B�s this semsester. People mentioned he just might be in the weeding out stage and I mentioned yeah they have already lost quite a few including someone from out church�) Hubby is right. Some people would be thrilled if their child made all B�s�. I shouldn�t have mentioned the other kid�s name. I wasn�t meaning to be malicious. He was absolutely correct� Anyway, I�ve been crying since he told me that.. How do you keep from feeling awful when you make a mistake.. I already have trouble guarding what I say.. I get into much more trouble when I �talk� on the internet because I say much more what I really feel� I�m just so tired. I can�t say anything. What I think I wrong. What I feel is wrong� Just really tired. Gosh if I screwed up this much when I said so little..how much do I screw up when I feel great� I thanked him for sharing what bothered him,but now I just want to cry all day... Logically, it sounds like you know that when your H complains respectfully about something you do that bothers him, it is a good thing, like when a bank sends a notice that the account is overdrawn. However, these complaints are a notice a behavior needs to changed and are a little bit of a love buster to the spouse receiving the complaint. But still, it's better to get the notice and change the behavior than to NOT receive the notice and unknowingly continue to offend your spouse. Sounds like you handled the complaint the right way, by not becoming angry or pouty with your spouse. So now you should make a plan to change the behavior that your H doesn't like. You likely won't be so upset in a couple of days. Is your H meeting your Emotional Needs such as conversation and affection. Are you and he spending 15 hours of UA time together every week? I find that I am much more able to handle my H's complaints when the rest of the relationship is great. Dr. Harley has said on his radio show that women often have a harder time handling their H's complaints than husband's have with their wife's complaints. Men can apparently take the complaints much more in stride while women tend to take the complaints harder, but we still always want to respond to the complaint in a way that encourages our husbands to make those necessary complaints. Sounds like you handled it correctly with your H.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Well we had a whole weekend by ourselves from Thursday until Sunday at lunch time. So plenty of UA time.
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Well we had a whole weekend by ourselves from Thursday until Sunday at lunch time. So plenty of UA time. But is this a weekly thing? To get a minimum of 15 hours of UA a week? What are you doing during this time? Do you enjoy them?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well we had a whole weekend by ourselves from Thursday until Sunday at lunch time. So plenty of UA time. To maintain a great romantic relationship, Dr. Harley strongly recommends splitting up the 15 hours weekly over the course of the week. And it needs to be ongoing. Is that what you are doing?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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We have standing dates on Thursday afternoons/evenings for 4 hours or more and the same thing for Sunday night as well. Since he is only working part time because of his illness, we are getting a lot of other time as well. We go walking on our property alone for at least 45 minutes ever single day.
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We have standing dates on Thursday afternoons/evenings for 4 hours or more and the same thing for Sunday night as well. Since he is only working part time because of his illness, we are getting a lot of other time as well. We go walking on our property alone for at least 45 minutes ever single day. I don't know if you missed my earlier questions. What do you do during these dates? Do you enjoy the activities? During these dates are you meeting the 4 most intimate needs? Have you written Dr Harley recently? Have you talked with your doctor about trying a different AD or see if you should add some other medicine to help? What is your DH's illness? Are you stressed about that?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We go out to eat. Sometimes we shop. Sometimes we do an activity like Frisbee golf or something. Do I enjoy them...depends. Since his illness we talk a lot about that.
Not all 4. We haven't been able to have sex since it happened. Doc's orders.
I haven't written him in awhile..
No, when I saw the doctor it was working quite well. It is actually working much better and the first 3 or 4 weeks it was AWESOME. But then my husband went into the ICU... I had a reason to be stressed. Taking a pill is not going to make me feel happy about bad situations...
My dh was in the ICU for a week then home for 2 weeks before he went to work part time. I was ready for him to get out of the house. I felt a bit claustrophobic with him there...
He is still stressed about his job and trying to make some changes. He will not be going to work anymore than half time. If he doesn't get happier then he/we will look at what else to do.
We've had conversations ad nauseum about what to do... I'm tired of being in limbo...
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Anything else I should be doing? I should say that the more active dates were before his illness. Right now even playing a board game gives him a headache and he doesn't really enjoy them anymore. Hiking ( our favorite activity) is out. So right now we are talking a lot, but it mostly circles around how he is doing. That said, I don't know what else there is to talk about since he isn't really doing anything else. I've read the Boring Conversation article but I just don't see how to fix it. The conversations are about the future ad nauseum: what will he do, how is he doing, etc. Balancing it is hard... I can talk about church or the kids but then I have nothing else to talk about. We went and saw a movie and that gave us some stuff to talk about. I've been married to him for 25 years. I know most things about him. I'm not sure what there is left to investigate nor exactly how to do that... I love him with all my heart, but I'm ready to have fun!
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Watch a movie before your UA to give you something to talk about during UA.
There are fun questionnaires and conversation games out there for couples. Do them to investigate each other. I am still learning about markos -- there's always more to learn.
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What condition does your husband have that the doctor forbade him to have sex?
me, DH
5 children
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