So my wife comes to me one day and says, "So, I was thinking, how would you feel about letting my dad live with us for a while until he can get back on his feet with his job?" A little short history about the father in-law, he has been divorced twice, bankrupt twice, currently single, 61 years old and ALL OVER the map about life, when he wants to retire, what he wants to do when he retires, he has absolutely zero, and I mean zero in retirement savings and wants to retire in one year. He recently took a job making just above minimum wage after leaving for his own reasons making a good living and soon just went down hill from there. He is a VERY big alcoholic and drinks a lOT, regularly. So, my response was, "How long?" The response was "6 months, 12 tops". I had a few big concerns on this. One, his dog, this dog urinates on everything and quite often. Another concern was his drinking around my two daughters..I didn't want it. Another concern was, would he use this time to actually save and not just find this to be a reason to spend more money and save nothing. I wanted to get him on a budget and help him save money to get to his goal. Another was obeying house rules such as, we do not eat or drink on our carpet and no pets on furniture. And last, an end-date, when is he going to make a decision to find other arrangements and when EXACTLY this arrangement was going to end. These do not seem to be a major deal for me and they're only respectful to me, my kids and to himself really. Now, the problem. My wife does not think ANY of this is reasonable. She approached him and discussed him living with us completely without me or me even knowing she did so. She NEVER discussed my concerns with him and said I was completely unreasonable and my requests were totally wrong and I was a bad person for thinking these were even right. All the arrangements were done behind my back and it wasn't until a week before he moved in he knew of my requests. He blew up and said he wasn't going to move in if these were my requests. I discussed the items with him and explained what I expected. He calmed down and we came to and agreement...or so I thought! He then moved in and the next problem occurred, he did NOTHING I requested! He still drank, and even more now since he had more money, he drank beer in his room, on the carpet, spilled it on the walls, he didn't seem to care his dog pee'd everywhere and all over, when I wasn't present, his dog is on the furniture, he wanted NOTHING to do with me helping him with his money, he is saving ZERO and continues to speak as though he is not leaving when we agreed on. This is causing soooo much stress on my part but the ultimate issue is, my wife does not care about any of it, is perfectly fine with him eating and drinking on the carpet, doesn't care the dog pees, doesn't care if he saves nothing etc. Also, we fight, a LOT about it and shes says if he leaves, she leaves!! I don't understand really. It appears I come lower on the poll than her father and she enables him to be a 61 year old, irresponsible kid who will never learn from his mistakes. The main problem is, I seem to have no say or anything about the situation. My fear is, she will leave me, request shared parenting, want money and who knows what else all because of her dad. This isn't just speculation, she has threatened to leave me MANY times because of the fights we have about her father. I feel stuck! Any ideas??

Yes: stop fighting. You will never get what you need by fighting with her.

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

What you need to do is first eliminate any angry outbursts, disrespect (you've got quite a few of those) and demands on your part. Then you will need to approach her calmly on a regular basis, and say: "It bothers me that your dad is living with us." Leave it at that. Do not fight.

Have you read about lovebusters? The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)?

How many hours alone do you and your wife get together? Doing what?

In addition to Prisca's questions will he get help for his alcoholism? Get into treatment?

I am unclear about this response? Your suggestion is, "stop fighting"? Yes agreed, I would love to but the aggression is not from me. I could calmly just say, "Hey, we need to find a way to reduce the chance of the dog peeing by taking him out more", or "I really do not like the fact your dad is drinking beer all night in his room" and the lash back starts. These are not spurts of yelling on my part. We have been married for 17 1/2 years and together for more than 20 and have never raised my voice or yelled. It never solves anything. Also, was the comment about disrespect directed towards me, or for me to find a way to eliminate? Demands on my part? This also confuses me, sorry! When a family member moves in, or anyone for that matter, there has to be a clear set of guidelines everyone should follow to make sure everyone is on the same page but my requests are blatantly disregarded, this seems to me I am being disrespected, not the other way around but maybe I am reading your post wrong. If someone gave me an opportunity such as this, I would follow ever request they had and be extremely appreciative to them for the offer and not do things they do not like. To answer everyone's questions about the readings, I have not but will look up each and every one.

The short answer is, no, he will not. He tried many years ago but did not work out and now, he just won't.

Would your DW be in enthusiastic agreement to make this a condition for him to live under your and DW's house?

The number of hours we get together alone per month could be counted on one hand and still have fingers left over. Doing what, typically a day out together, to a movie or out to eat.

I apologize, I am new to the forums, but what is DW?

DW=dear wife

Here Abbreviations and Acronyms

Do you and your DW and kids go to AlAnon?

So, if your question is, would my DW make not drinking a condition of staying under our roof....no she would not. Even though she has spent most of her childhood dealing with it and not liking it, it would never be a condition for her.

My wife with to ALANON as a kid but she does not like it, she does not think it works and wants nothing to do with it. My kids are 6 and 13 and I just do not want them to be subjected to seeing the drinking as much as they do.

Also to add, a number of counselors have been seen since she was a kid but, as soon as they begin to bring up unwanted thoughts, she stops and never goes back. This is not speculation, but factual statements coming from her.

Would your wife agree?
Because, from your first post, it appears you have a problem with Disrespectful Judgements. You don't have to yell to fight.

What do you do or say in response?

Yes, it was directed at you. You need to make sure that when you talk to her about this, you are not disrespectful or demanding yourself. A lot of people are disrespectful towards their spouses, and they don't even realize it. They think they are just being honest.

The dog, for example. It's okay to have a problem with the dog peeing on your furniture. But it is disrespectful to claim your wife doesn't care, and it is demanding to insist that someone needs to take the dog out more. A more respectful approach would be "It bothers me when the dog pees on the furniture. Can we negotiate a solution?"

But I think your real problem is that your father-in-law lives with you when you don't want him to. This needs to be handled in a very similar way, without any demands and disrespect: "It bothers me that your dad is living with us. Can we negotiate a solution?"

Read up on POJA.

This is a very big problem in your marriage. Your wife needs a minimum of 15 hours alone with you each week, getting the Intimate Emotional Needs of Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment met in order to be in love with you.

She is likely feeling neglected, which makes her less likely to take your feelings into account.

Read up on the Policy of Undivided Attention.

Prisca, Maybe my initial post was worded a little unclear. I had said, my wife and I spoke for about 10 minutes on the suggestion of him living with us and before I knew it, they fully discussed the whole situation without me being involved. This, I feel disrespected. Also, you say, "claiming your wife does not care" about the dog peeing is disrespectful? How so exactly? If she did, why does it continue without question and why am I deemed to be the bad guy for not liking it? Why has the dog gone 9 times now and I have cleaned 7 of these and if I ask her to clean the spots to help out, she gets angry? Saying I am wrong for demanding the dog be taken out more? I don't see where I am, or even said "demanded" the dog be taken out more, I said I stated the dog should be walked more so he wasn't trapped in the house and peeing because he had to. Quite honestly though, as selfish as this may sound, it is my wife and I's house, so why could I not ask the dog be walked more by the owner if it is to remain?

Also, you say "Disrespecting Judgments" ? Please give me an example from my comments/post. I never said I yell, as a matter of fact, I said I never and have never yelled.

At a 30,000 foot level, I have no "issue" with the father living with us, I help those who are willing to help themselves and make an effort to do so, but if the objective of the stay is not being met?

Even if your wife does not care, it is disrespectful to say she does not care. If you want to learn to resolve conflicts in your marriage, you will have to learn to filter out the disrespectful comments when you discuss the conflicts.

Have you read the Basic Concepts yet?

Any time you use the word "should," you are being disrespectful.