Hi,
I am new to the message board and am trying to manage the roller coaster of emotions that I am having at the moment. I discovered in August 14 that my husband had been having an emotional affair on the internet. I found a letter which led me to suspect and confronted him. After some denial and my gaining access to his phone I discovered that this had been going on for a year.
I agreed to go into counseling with him which we did. About 4 weeks into counseling I discovered an email that the affair had also been physical (when I confronted at the discovery he denied this) and when I confronted WH he admitted that it had been on one occasion only but he also admitted that he had not ceased contact with OW, this set us right back to the beginning and for me it felt worse than the initial discovery.
I gave him an ultimatum, stop or leave as I would not agree to him staying in contact with OW. At this point other than the counsellor and pastor I had not told family and friends (I had also not discovered Marriage Builders). I broke down when I discovered he was still lying to me and I contacted his family at that stage for some support, this jolted him into reality and the affair was exposed and ultimately ended within the week with all contacting ceasing on his part.
The withdrawal phase was ongoing as although he had told OW that it was over she continued to contact him and eventually me (BW) into Oct early Nov 14. He has blocked access to her on phone and computer and I have no idea how she obtained my number as I do not know this woman. In the meantime he discovered that she had carried out a similar affair with someone else before him with similar behaviour when it ended with which hastened his withdrawal phase ending.
We are now in recovery and we have not had any contact from her for several weeks. He says he really doesn't want any contact with her and I have full access to phone/computer and things for the most part are going well.
The whole thing had raised hugh issues for us regards our marriage/relationship and not meeting each other emotional needs. I was blindsided by the whole affair, completely oblivious before discovery. Our marriage was not good due to neglect on both sides around different EN and I need to take responsibility for my part in that. EN were not being met on both sides and we are working hard to correct these and have done a lot in a short time with many of them, as ultimately we do both love each other and want to be together. The biggest EN for me however is conversation and this is where we have continually fallen down with many LB habits (all of them in fact demands, anger, disrespect) occuring during the simplest of conversations going back a long way in our relationship that contributed to where we ended up. My question is how do we break the cycle as although we have fixed a lot of our issues this is the main one that is withdrawing units for me and I feel I can't quite reach a place where I feel cared for by WH until he changes how he communicates with me and this is making recovery and letting go of resentment very difficult for me even though I want to.
Any advice would be very helpful.

Have all these things happened? This is how affairs should end:

I'm sorry for the reason you are here.


Simply blocking a phone number or email isn't much help. Your H needs to make it IMPOSSIBLE for the OW to ever be in contact with him again. Change phones; close down email account, etc.

All the conditions that led to his affair must be eliminated.

Do your children know about their father's affair?

To recover from an affair takes:

1.) Extraordinary Precautions for life to prevent him from having another affair.

2.) The marriage must become BETTER than it was before the affair. Getting the same ol' marriage back isn't nearly good enough, since that was the same marriage that led to the affair.

Have you both filled out the love busters questionnaire? That's where I would start. The conversations must be pleasant and enjoyable with NO love busters.

Are you talking about the affair?

Is OW married? Who did you expose to on her side?

Hi,
OW is divorced, I don't know much more and OW lives in another country so contact is very difficult. My husband works for himself and his e-mail/phone is connected to his work so will always be public but I have full access to both. Totally agree on wanting a better marriage than before we are both working on this and it has improved a lot, just need some advice on the conversation aspect. EPs have been carried out.

He has shut down all social media btw and all other access points.

Do you and your H both have a problem with the love busters during conversations? What exactly happens when you two sit down to enjoy a pleasant conversation and it goes off track?

Have you read what Dr. Harley has written about the EN of conversation? What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant

Hi yes, we did the questionnaire today, both came out with the same issues as 1 and 2 but in reverse (angery outbursts & disrespectfuls judgements). We have also done joint agreement policy. I am hoping this will help focus attention on the key problem area for us.

How did your husband met OW?

Well, you will both have to eliminate both AOs and DJs from your communication. You will both have to think before speaking and make sure you are speaking with logic rather than allowing your emotions to drive the conversations.

Do you have the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love? If not, I would get it and start using the DJ and AO worksheets.

Here's a great list of Disrespectful Judgments Markos created and posted on this forum.


I would work on making sure you step away from the conversation the moment you start to feel frustrated. Just take a break and calm down.

Are you talking about the affair?

What do you talk about that leads to the DJs and AOs?

She contacted him on FB. He has since shut down FB.

Thank you for list, we are working on it. It is a part of our relationship that has always been difficult but the frequency increased while the EA was going on and anything could trigger AO from H resulting in DJ from both. Now this has ended we are focusing on fixing this forever. We have discussed A at length.

During an affair, it's quite typical for the wayward spouse to pick fights and generate anger; they do it in order to justify the affair.

Now that the affair is over and no contact established, EPs instituted and Just Compensation agreed to ,does he still have angry outbursts?

Once you have all the information you need about the affair: how it started, who the OW was, and anything else you want to know, the affair must never be brought up again. This is very important. Talking about the mistakes of the past is an enemy of good conversation. So you said you have talked of the A at length, but are you still talking about it? Or have you stopped talking about the A?

Thank you, Yes we have been talking about it still just occasionally, so that is something we can change for sure. AO have still been happening but I think this is not directly related to A, rather this is a historical issue that has been there long before A, related to H background. It is something we are dealing with in counseling but tools in LBs and EN are helping - awareness is key.
What is "Just Compensate" I have not found this on the website?

Just Compensation:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

Just Compensation is discussed in Dr. Harley's articles about forgiving and forgetting. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

MB is about Just Compensation to the betrayed spouse, rather than forgiving and forgetting. Your H can compensate you for the pain you endured during and after the affair. He can do this by

1.) Instituting Extraordinary Precautions for the rest of his life, so that having another affair will become virtually impossible AND

2.) Working with you to create a marriage that is better than ever before, better even than when you were first married. The "new" marriage should be passionate, romantic and safe. The wonderful thing about Just Compensation is that the "new" marriage benefits both spouses, not just you.

Your H will need to completely eliminate his anger, despite his background. We all have excuses to become angry, but we have to control that emotion. And it's not just HIS background; we all have a background with anger in it. It's a basic instinct that goes back to the very moment of birth.

Is your H willing to agree to END his angry outbursts? Is he willing to enter an anger management program that uses relaxation as a technique to control his emotions?

Thank you, ok yes we are doing these.

Hi yes he is willing to deal with his AO and is committed to having a new and better marriage, he does not want this to happen again. AM is the next step he agrees.

Okay, that's good. If he gets angry with you again, Dr. Harley would recommend a separation until he gets his anger completely under control. That's how serious anger is in a marriage. It's terrible to subject you to his anger in any case and no one should put with it in marriage; however, after his affair, it's a deal-breaker.

In the meanwhile, make sure you eliminate your own DJs and AOs.