There's an article on the interwebs entitled, ***EDIT*** In it, it states: I have found this to be a common sentiment on various websites.

I am wondering though, if this is the whole story. First of all, it is said that women are more likely to engage in relationship affairs. If that is true, then there's the difference right there. Men who end up in relationship affairs also check out of the marriage.

Some other reasons I was thinking about are that most men will go straight to Plan D. I read somewhere that the percentage was very high, like 70 or 80 percent, but I can't remember.

It could also be that many men do not reach out for help, so when their situations turn out favorably, there is no documentation.

I just wonder what the difference would be. I have seen several stories where wayward husbands came back after leaving. It seems rare for wayward wives to come back, though. Is this because men are underrepresented on these types of forums, because men are more likely to file for divorce or because women are less likely to come back?

I have a feeling that it's the type of affair rather than the gender of the people involved that determines whether or not they will come back. Any thoughts?

I believe it to be just the opposite and Dr Harley says the same thing. It is much easier to save a marriage when it is a WW, than a WH. The reason is because men can hang in there and compete much longer than a betrayed wife. They can outlast the affair. With betrayed women, it is not so. Competing for their WH makes them look unattractive and makes it much less likely they will save their marriage.


I think this applies to about 99% of affairs. Most are very passionate, emotional relationships. [ie: addictions] That seems to be the rule. The exception are the one night stands and the playahs.

I believe the success rate is about the same for both genders. 65% of marriages that experience affairs don't end in divorce.

Thanks, Melody. That's encouraging. Would you say that's the case even when the WW has filed for divorce? I've seen four different stories on different forums where WH's who filed for divorce came crawling back before the divorce was finalized. Those were all within the past three months or so. On the other hand, I haven't seen any such stories involving WW's that filed for divorce. I just wonder what the reason is for that. Am I just not finding them? Then again, to even up the score axslinger, face and I could end up with restored marriages...who knows?

Filing for divorce doesn't seem to make a difference, IMO. I have seen hundreds of divorce actions started and stopped over the years. I have noticed we seem to have a lot of WH's on the board right now, but that might be a phase, although I agree that female affairs are in the rise.

What I do find makes a huge difference in the odds of recovery is whether or not a BS exposed early or not. The earlier the exposure, the greater chance at recovery. The longer a BS waits to expose, the harder it is to save because it seems the wayward mindset is much more entrenched. If you listen to the radio much, you will hear Dr Harley saying the same thing. I posted some radio clips on my radio clip collection thread. [it is story #1 and #3] http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163853&Number=2518985#Post2518985

The timing of exposure depends largely on how quickly the affair is discovered. In my case, my wife had a very believable story that she was staying with a friend. My evidence suggests the affair started in March (she moved out the last day of May). I exposed in July. Is that too late?

Sometimes it depends on the timing of discovery. Other times, the BS is complacent and has been coached to do nothing. And I can't say if it was too late, my only point is the sooner exposure takes place, the easier it is to kill the affair.

IMO it depends on a lot of factors but in general I do think when a WW has an affair she is completely checked out vs a WH may be looking for a thrill (cake) and isn't necessary looking for divorce. If you have a BS that is too afraid to expose and rock the boat, it's not going to be a good potential for Recovery no matter what. Either gender can be a doormat.

I don't think this is true. More women file...pretty sure this is even in an article on this site but it refers to all divorce not just divorce when there is an affair.

My impression - kids and finance are two big factors which influence an individual decision to stay or to go...

No. When a person's Taker is in full control they don't care about the kids. They will care about the finances because that is self serving.

For example, my wife left her family to pursue her affair. After I divorced her, my perplexed attorney commented to me: "She gave up everything for this scumbag. Literally everything." She lost custody of her children (largely due to abandonment), secure housing, friends, family members and self respect to pursue an affair with a convicted felon that has been divorced three times!

This has been discussed on this forum from time to time and in my opinion it is because of the differences in men and women in relationships in general.

For the most part (all though these days it is not so much this way), it is harder for women to just have sex, their feelings have to be involved too.

For men that is not so much the case, they can have sex and the feelings come later.

So I think some women convince themselves that since they are having sex with the OM they must be in love with him and they can't be in love with two people at the same time.

When a Taker in control, people suppose to gain not to lose...

Your ex was probably a taker for you and a giver for her AP.

If I am not mistaken, your ex now has shared custody?

That is why I'm thinking it's the type of affair and not the gender that determines how hard it is to restore the marriage. An affair that's based on sex alone is going to be a lot easier to give up than one in which you're convinced you're in love. I'd say men and women both have a hard time giving up an affair with someone they feel a deep emotional connection to.

In other words, I don't think it's so simple as "when the wife has the affair, the fat lady has sung." I think Internet armchair experts are making broad generalizations without regard to what is actually happening. There's no reason to give up hope just because the wife has the affair.

That describes 99% of the affairs we see here. Men don't have affairs just to have sex, it is usually conversation and admiration that attract them. With women it is conversation and affection.

The sex alone affairs are very, very rare.

No one ever said to give up hope.

And I would also say that most of the people coming to MB are dealing with relationship affairs (Melody says 99%) rather than ONS and trailer trash. So the success stories here demonstrate that relationship affairs do not necessarily spell the end of the marriage.

No, no one here has said that. I'm talking about other websites out there. I was without hope until I found MB.

I so agree!! I have seen too many such marriages come back from the dead.

I guess I should clarify. I started this thread to give other BH's out there hope. I hope they will find MB early on and attack the affair straight away. I wish I had found MB sooner. I'm hoping this thread will come up on Internet searches to get BH's away from destructive websites that encourage them to just wait out the affair or give up.