Good morning fellow MB-ers.

I really need some objective advice.

A few weeks after my divorce was final (early Oct), I was thinking of Dr. Harley's advice to date 30 men prior to marriage, so I signed up for a dating site so that in the future when another attractive commitment presented itself I'd have this taken care of and could be assured of my decision.

Within two days of my post, a Christian gentleman corresponded. He came to fall in love with me based on our correspondence leading up to our first date, and I was also very attracted to the heart of the man I was getting to know.

Since then, we've spent 10 days together, six of which were an extended weekend over Thanksgiving when he joined me in a visit to an out of state sibling. Every time we see each other, I can see even more of his very unique and wonderful qualities, that I am falling in love with more and more. We have a lot of quirky compatibilities.

We email a lot, and talk on the phone every night, and spend a full Saturday each week together so we are getting very well acquainted with each other's personality.

He had done some dating prior to meeting me since his divorce, and he is assured in his mind that I am the one. He has made his intentions very clear that he is seeking a wife, and that he intends for that to be me.

We share the same faith which precludes sex before marriage (which is also a practical decision for many reasons, as we all know here), but the affection he shows towards me very easily stirs up a sexual attraction towards him which is off the charts. I have tried to not make that obvious but he has started to realize it, so it is making things harder for him.

So my dilemma is as follows:

a) the timing - while everything feels very perfect and so right, logically I have to be concerned that we have only known each other for about a month.

b) however, I feel that due to the physical side that I am experiencing, I need to make my decision sooner instead of later so we do not end up where we should not be without a marriage- or that I am not blinded by a misplaced, premature emotional bond. While we are not engaging in sexual activities, the emotional bonding I'm experiencing when he shows physical affection -given the chemistry I feel towards him- is not far short of what would occur if we were.

c) not only did I not date 30 men, I didn't even date 2. He is the only person I've dated since my divorce.


How important is it to date other men?

How much should I be concerned about the speed with which the relationship has progressed?

Thank you for any advice you have to offer!

Dr Harley clarified that he meant date up to 30 men until you find the right guy. This guy sounds wonderful! But please take more time.. Have you done a background check on him?

Also, make sure you meet and get to know his family and friends. What do they have to say about him? Find out all you can about him: any past marriages/romantic relationships, financial history. A friend of mine even exchanged credit reports with her fiance before marriage, as well as divorce documents.

Thank you Melody.

Yes, I have done the background check before meeting him for the first time. His very dear friend of 20 years is in law enforcement who I called for a reference.

We have already POJA'd some deep personal things which had the capacity to be hurtful to one or the other of us; the POJA was very wonderfully successful. He showed only care for a productive solution and no selfishness whatsoever. Which made me only fall in love with him more.

As far as the 5 things that Dr. Harley advises care about matching (intelligence, drive, values, culture, faith, social interest), we hit a perfect 10 in every area.

We both have an unusual and high drive for activity. For example, I never imagined I'd meet someone who wants to hike in a Rocky Mountain remote wilderness for a week, just like me....and does so every year, even if by himself (just like me). Not only that, in the same wilderness 1,400 miles away from where we each live. We love to hike locally, we both like to "do" instead of "watch", and not only that, "do" the same quirky things in addition to the wilderness hiking.

He has hit another perfect 10 in how he deals with my children. And another on how he nimbly defended me while avoiding offense in a tense family situation -diffusing the situation. And another in how he has my back and is protective when Stuebenville causes an issue with the kids. And another when I mentioned that I loved his homemade bread and he spent Friday night baking some from scratch to bring me down a loaf. And I can just keep adding another and another all day long. He is very smart, and shows a tremendous amount of wisdom as events occur.

He is very protective of me in a strong way, not in a smothering way. In a very welcome way.

My concern on waiting is that I am afraid our relationship will physically progress beyond what we both want it to prior to marriage. I've already started to bond with him due to our physical encounters more than I feel I should be. I feel like I'm so deep in for him that I might have blinders on already.

My concern on not waiting is that I could miss something important.

Very good advice.

All I know about his family is what he has told me so far. He wants me to meet his sister and brother soon. I agree that when I meet them, I need to observe as you have advised.

His children are somewhat estranged over his prior divorce (his ex-wife was divisive), but he is making strides in restoring the relationship with his children, and is very motivated to be successful. I think I'll get the opportunity to meet one of them within a month.

Financially, before he had any idea about what means I have, an auto-correct typo misconstrued a sentence to say that I had a financial need. He stepped up to let me know that whatever my needs were, he would take care of me financially. When i realized my typo and his selfless reaction, I only fell for him more. As it turns out, I think our net worth's are very similar, as are our spending habits (frugal).

Is he cute?

He professed love to you even before your first date? Sorry but I would slow this down...a lot. If he is as great as you say he is and he thinks you are "the one" he should be ok with you slowing down. I would be very leery of jumping from a bad marriage into an exclusive relationship so quickly.

Be sure to get that child's side on why they are estranged.

Melody, he has a very fit physique. Mmmmm!

black raven: We had corresponded at some length in email, and he did fall in love with heart of "the woman in the email", although then confirmed it and his feelings continued to advance when we met in person.

Prisca: Yes, agreed. What he has described has a ring of truth to it, and as I see his progress with them, it further confirms in my mind that his background information is accurate. I'm hoping to meet his daughter soon. He is working on setting it up.

Wow! My first thought is SLOW DOWN!!

You have children. I looked at your other posts and it looks like you have three young - preteen and teenaged daughters.

Do you know Dr Harley recommends single mothers stay single? Because you could be introducing a WHOLE NEW set of issues/problems to your life by getting seriously involved with a man you barely know.

Please slow this way down!

What do your children think of him? What do they think of you moving so fast?

I have done a WHOLE LOT of online dating and I have to say....there are an awful lot of creepy guys out there.

Even the seemingly nice ones who have children or have accounts on Christian Mingle. One guy I was supposed to go out with seemed incredibly polite, sweet and on paper seemed wonderful (had christian mingle account). When I learned more about him, I started googling and found he had an account on a sex site.

Many of these guys have lied to me about important things (age, marital status, etc).

You don't really know him yet! Please slow this down because you have children involved.

Oh my gosh! Have you had him around your children already?

I have told any prospective guy I am dating that my children and dating are separate - period! If they don't like it, bye bye. Big red flag!!

You realize that predators prey on single moms who are willing to allow access them their children, right??

I am sorry but this is a red flag

I peeked at your other threads and I am sorry to bring up the unpleasantness of your ex H but I feel it is relevant to this situation.

I would advise you to write to Dr Harley about your ex and the advice you received on that thread to expose in order to allow others to protect themselves/children from your H's behavior. Feel free to explain to him whatever reasons you felt this was not necessary.

And then explain to him this situation about dating this man, rushing things and having him around your daughters.

I am concerned that you don't make good decisions when it comes to protecting your daughters and/or when it comes to men.

I don't want to be harsh but to me, as an outsider, I am seeing some red flags and am truly concerned for your children.

My children all like him.

My youngest DS14 is very perceptive, and he noticed that this man is a male version of me (I had not commented extensively about all of our commonalities - that was just something that DS14 picked upon).

They are all very supportive, including DS23 who has visited with him quite a bit, and DDIL24 who was raised in an area where she saw a lot. I did not tell her very much about Stuebenville but she quickly read him like a book and nailed down many things about his personality that have surprised me for someone so young.

I'm not getting any warning signs from his interaction with the kids or his reactions to their less-than-perfections.

He does not intend to be a disciplinarian (that will always be my job only), but would like to be a mentor as they allow. So far they have been happy to receive any suggestions he makes, but he always makes them in a very kind and productive way.

Yes, I do realize this situation.

While I have my guard up with regard to my teenage kids, nothing I can see about him is waving any red flags there. I feel that I got a reasonably good sense of how someone softens targets in retrospect after Stuebenville's actions. Nothing I'm seeing is indicating anything in that regard - but point well taken on keeping up the observation.

Now that you have reminded me, I do remember reading other posters commenting that Dr. Harley advises single moms to remain unmarried until the daughters are out. In my case that would be in about 2 years.

The reason I didn't expose Steubenville was because by the time I got the advice to expose it was 14 years later and would have appeared to be vindictive at that specific timing during the divorce proceedings. (For the record, I came here to MB when the event occurred and was not advised to expose. Obviously things are different now, but I did seek what was MB advice at the time.)

Also, I had been observing him carefully for those 14 years and it seemed like he had really changed his ways.

But I have been almost ready to change my mind about exposing to DS23 and DDIL24 for about a week, since learning that Steubenville has vented extensively, for hours and hours, about all of his problems with me to them, which has been swaying DS23's loyalty. I have been carefully avoiding talking about my perspective of Steubenville (per his and my agreement) with the kids so they weren't tugged in the middle. Well, he doesn't think of anyone but himself- but then I should have known that.

The reason I'm considering telling DS23 is to set the stage for whatever Stuebenville has told him.....which include twisted exaggerations and in many cases plain old made-up stories. The 14 year old incident really destroyed my respect for Stuebenville and I never recovered it, making it that much harder for me to want to try to recover our marriage, and made much of my participation in the marriage rote analytical action vs heartfelt.

In the future I may tell the other children if events warrant; I am still thinking about it.

The red flag is that he is willing to rush into marriage with a woman who already has children from another man.

Dr Harley has said as much in his radio show about why he recommends single women stay single.

You yourself raise red flags - to me as an outside observer - that you tend to gloss over things that you don't want to hear, even at possible risk to others including your own children. You abandoned the last thread that you had that was warning you about possible consequences due to your non exposure of your ex H's harmful behavior.

I hope that you will take a step back and not rush into M because you are worried about excalating sexual attraction. That is not a good reason.

I would again advise you to keep this man away from your daughters. And email Dr Harley.

I still find this pretty alarming. I can certainly understand the excitement of a new dating partner but you two don't really know one another still. Getting caught up in the emotions and even fantasy of a new person is easy. Unless I'm reading incorrectly, after one date you took him out-of-state with you to stay at a sibling's house and introduced him to your children. Seems like light speed here...I would really slow this down. Those are big steps IMO and you sound like you are ready to put a ring on your finger. Don't mean to be a downer but I don't understand what the rush is.

That you still have not told your children of their father's behavior with the babysitter seems like conflict avoidance to me. Have you told this new man about your ex?

Why does he say he divorced? How old are his children?

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