I have recently been trying to keep track of how much UA time my wife and I get in a week, and I am kind of having trouble deciphering what actually qualifies?

One thing that has really helped in our situation, is I have started going grocery shopping, and running errands with my W, at least once a week. We leave all the kids home, and basically run around all evening taking care of business. In the past my wife would run into town to do the grocery shopping, while I stayed home and got things done around the yard or house. I have really come to enjoy these shopping dates.

So, there are certain things that I wonder if they really qualify. For example, what if you are hanging out watching tv together, or just out doing yard work together, where you're not completely tuned into each other, but you are still enjoying each others company. Also, what is a good way to keep track of these times? Do some of you actually do a daily assessment, or just roughly keep track in your head during the week?

Can some of you with more experience give me some ideas of things we could try? One area in particular that we need improvement, is it seams to be really hard to find time to just sit down together and discuss more serious things like relationship issues. We have been talking about reading His Needs/Her Needs, but it is impossible to find the time. I know that we need to actually schedule times for these specific things, but how do I go about implementing these UA types.

Maybe there is a good thread topic on here somewhere that already addresses some of the things I am asking? I thought I would start this topic, just in case there are others that are wondering or struggling with the same thing.

RR, you are doing what most people do when it comes to UA time, you are pencil whipping the exercise and trying to "count" things you were already doing. i.e.: passing in the hallway: 15 minutes, cook dinner together: 20 minutes, talked on the phone for 5 seconds: 10 minutes.

To implement the policy of UA, you need to make a radical change in your lifestyles and start making it your highest priority.. You wouldn't be able to keep a job if you managed it on the fly in a piecemeal fashion and you won't be able to sustain a marriage with the same tactics.

Dr Harley recommends sitting down every Sunday afternoon and scheduling your time for the next week. At that time you can call up babysitters and get your plans in order. It should be 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house. UA time spent at home is lousy and ineffective and will not do the trick. Even many couples who are in love don't spend their UA time at home. I have found that UA time at home is useless for couples who are not in love, because they would just about rather be doing anything.

Use this worksheet: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

Follow the instructions on the worksheet and deduct any time that was squandered on TV, etc.




Don't discuss "serious things" on your dates. That is a complete downer. Your dates should be fun and lighthearted.

That being said, you can also schedule time during the week to do your lessons.

Here is another form:

Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

i don't know about you, when I work in the yard, I am in my WORST clothes and don't put much effort into my makeup and hair. When I watch TV at home, I am in my sloppy jogging pants and tshirt. I am sure not dressed up as I would for a date!

Would you ever go out on a date in sloppy yard clothes when you look your worst? I don't think most women would be very impressed with that.

When we go out on our dates, we look our best, smell our best and schedule it at times when we have energy so we can be at our very best.

We do most of our UA time while our kids are doing after school activities such as gymnastics or so. If your kids are involved in any of these, take advantage. If not, look for something. You can try a gym with childcare.

Also, you need to make sure your W is enjoying UA time, I would not consider gorcery shopping UA time.

You need to be making deposits during your UA time, I don't think a lot of desposits can be made while you are picking up produce, or while reading HNHN, let along while discussing issues. UA time should be fun and romantic.

Thank you for your comments, that is exactly what I was wondering.

Alada, I know that would sound funny to say grocery shopping is fun at all, but this has made a huge difference in our marriage. We have so much fun, and we always go get something to eat, or go get dessert during our outing. At first this was very hard for me, because I hate shopping, but my wife loves it. She is a coupon clipper, and she loves to go to department stores and find killer deals on clothes for the kids. I have utilized this as a place that we can connect, and instead of dreading it, I have decided to become more involved, and we really do have such a good time together. We always joke at home that we need to plan another shopping date. Plus, the whole time we are shopping, I get her door for her, and treat her like a queen. I tell her how hot I think she looks many times during our outings. So when I say shopping date, I mean shopping date. She absolutely loves it, and I do too.

Melody, I guess there are definitely certain kinds of yard work, that would not qualify, but my wife loves to get out in the sun, and she will put on these cute shorts, and we will go out and garden together. I built really nice raised garden boxes a few years ago, and we have fun hanging out doing that. I guess it is more of a hobby than a chore. Not to mention, after watching her in those Shorty shorts for a while, it gets me so riled up, and leads to SF later.

Melody, One thing I am going to pay more attention to, is making sure that our times together are in at least 3 or 4 hour blocks. I will not count any of the casual hanging out together stuff.

This summer, she also took up an interest in golfing, and we added this activity to some of our dates. I had a lot of fun teaching her, and she has told me that she wants to get better and go with me more.

This is one of our most favorite dates too! For some people it looks like a bore, but we love it. It is some of our best UA time. We make it into a date so it is much more than just running through the aisles filling a list.



Just make sure you enjoy this too! It needs to be mutually enjoyable. My H, for example, will not go to the mall but we both love going to Sams, Walmart or Bed Bath and Beyond.


In order for it to be effective, you must be ALONE [no children at home] and it must be a DATE in a 2-4 hour block, meeting each others needs.


Good deal!

There are some good clips at the end of this thread regarding UA.

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Melody, I have definitely learned to enjoy doing this, because the rewards are so big. It feels like we are working together, and at the same time we are spending time together. Sam's is one of our favorites, and my wife is crazy about Kohl's (I think she is addicted to Kohl's cash)


As far as "no children at home". The range of our kids is from 18 years to 3 years, so a lot of times my wife and I will say "we need some alone time", and the older kids run the show. We can disappear to our room to talk, or other things of course, and the kids understand not to disturb us. This is something a few years ago, that my wife would have been completely against, but she now enjoys escaping to our room together.

A few years back, when the kids were a little younger, it was almost impossible to find alone time without arranging a babysitter. Once my wife finally agreed that there is nothing wrong with "Mom and Dad wanting to be alone", it has been a lot easier to find time for each other. Not to mention, she see's now, that it is a good example to the kids to show them the importance of making time for each other.





BH,
Thank you for the link. Very good stuff. I will say that I have read a lot of things over and over again on this website, and sometimes it seams you don't really understand how important certain things are, until you implement them and see the results. Our relationship has improved so much over the last few months. I owe it all to this forum, because had I not listened to the council here, I would still be stuck in the situation I was dealing with during the summer. If I had not exposed in the work place, then they would still work together, and I would be triggered everyday, despite whether or not anything was going on. Recovery is impossible when they are still working together in anyway. The OM in our situation has not been working there for a couple months now, and over those two months we have improved leaps and bounds compared to before.

I still feel like my wife and I are complete rookies, and that we are really just getting started, but I can see that if you are diligent, and follow the ideas and principles on this website, your marriage can improve in ways that I never thought were possible.

I would not count this time because if the kids are there, you are thinking about them and they can interrupt you at any time. It is too easy to get distracted by things going on in the house. After what you have been through, you need to get quality time out on DATES. Get out of the house!



you never would have made it if he had stayed there. So happy to hear this!


You are definitely on the right track!!