I had an affair about a month ago, with someone I met on the Internet, and also I messed around with but didn't have sex with someone else. I have had counsel with my Pastor and a very good friend. I need to tell my husband, and obviously I'm scared. Also in our past is a long history of pornography usage. Mostly on his part. My question here is that, knowing my husband as I do, when I tell him of the affair, he's going to want to know all the sordid details.Please help me to know how to handle this, and what is an appropriate amount of details for him to know. Also, what if he doesnt' want a seperation? I for a long time, to be honest have been looking for a way out, not divorce, but a temporary seperation, Just to get myself together, and away from his control. He's not physically abusive, he doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. He's also told me he would never leave me for any reason, he's commited to our relationship, but I'm afrai after I tell him of my affair, he will stay, but it will be taken out on me, like mentally and verbally, or used as a bat to hit me with when he's angry. Thanks for being here. God bless you.

momof3,<P>I wish I had some good answers for you, but all I can say is to be honest. I think if you are totally honest with him you can build from there. Do not try to lie to him to save his feelings that will only hurt worse when he finds out the truth.<P>My H was not truthful with me about everything and when I learned this over time it almost hurt as much as the affair because it was like he kept betraying me over and over again. Just be honest!!<P>Good luck to you! You have a tough road ahead of you.

I have mixed emotions on this. If he wants to know to get off on it, then no. <P>I needed to know and am still haunted that I do not know it all. There is this abiding need to know. <P>You may need to talk with a counselor about this. A pastor is good, but I would go to a psychologist too. Someone who can maybe have you both in and give you a safe enviroment to tell and allow you to set some limits. I could still ask some things, but it gets to a point where it is all about hurting yourself. I can't explain that. <P>Good luck.

momof3 --- I too was the betrayer. I had sex with one man while my H and I were separated and then had internet affairs. I was so afraid of what my H would do if and when he found out that I tried to hide the affairs from him. He eventually found out on his own. I tried to deny it but everything kept piling up against me. I finally accepted the fact that my H knew about everything I had done.<P>Once you tell you H about the affair (or he finds out on his own) don't deny it. That will make things worse as far as I see it. <P>How much detail do you need to give him? That depends on your H. My H wanted to know everything and I mean everything. Everything from the affairs themselves, what led up to them, what happened after, why I did it etc. Some spouses don't need that much info but my did.<P>I am learning very quickly to be honest with my H. That is the best thing to do. I just hope that things work out for you and your H. If you need to talk just let me know here or you can email me at hopeful1771@hotmail.com

momof3,<P>Well...you situation sounds a lot like mine except in reverse. My Spouse had an affair (very brief…met for lunch, met a again and had sex once, talked on the phone three or four times) he also met another person but didn’t have sex or any physical contact. It all happened about 2 months ago and discovery happened about 5 weeks ago. There had been a history of pornography (mostly on my part).<P>Here’s the advice that I can give you. (Mind you this is all based on me and my relationship.) I found out about the affair and confronted him about it. I would feel so much better today if he had come to me and told me about them. The way that it is I may always wonder if he would have stopped if I didn’t catch him. Would he have met more people and had more sex? If he would have come to me and told me it would have still initially hurt as much but later these questions would not be in the back of my mind. So I encourage you to tell your husband.<P>As far as how much to tell him…. I would tell him everything that he asks. I needed to know all the sorted details. He was very good about being honest and telling me everything that I want to know. Some of the stuff seems silly now…BUT..I needed to know. (I wanted to know, when, where, how….how big, what positions, how many times, where they ate, met…EVERYTHING.) I have a very active imagination. If I didn’t have all the facts I would have made up the parts that I didn’t know. For me that would have been far worse than knowing the details.<P>I hope that in time your husband can forgive. Just remember….Now it is not up to you whether or not your husband stays or leaves (separates, divorces or stays.)….It is up to HIM. It wasn’t up to him whether you had an affair. That was completely up to you. Now this is up to him. You can work to influence his opinions but you can’t control it.<P>Good luck and keep us updated.<P>TxOnline<BR>