Hi,



Here is a brief history of our 14 year marriage�

After dating for a couple of years we got married in 2000 both age 21 and things were great. We travelled and worked around the world to settle down to have kids 5 years in our marriage. We had our first child and life could not be better. Soon our second child was born and we started running in to financial difficulty around the 2007 GFC and I ended up losing my source of income, my two businesses and I found it hard to gain employment. I stared feeling depressed and hopeless since I was the only income earner for our family. Now aged 27 I found myself helpless and unable to provide for my family. The bank started foreclosing on five investment properties we had. I had a rough childhood and as a teenager I experimented with drugs and alcohol but wouldn�t call myself and addict or alcoholic. By the time we got married I had well and truly pulled myself together and worked as a full time volunteer youth pastor in church for four years. Facing unemployment and the loss of multiple businesses was hard. I sought the help of a psychologist and after one session she diagnosed me as Bipolar and suggested I start mood stabilisers asap. I refused because I knew it was circumstantial depression or whatever and there was no history of mental illness in our family. I was still struggling though and went to see her again a couple weeks later and she convinced me to start meds. As soon as I started the meds I began having serious side effects because the dosages were really high. I couldn�t connect emotionally with my wife and kids and my head and thoughts were racing out of control. I started loosing myself and began drinking regularly. I would wake up in the middle of the night and start writing pages and pages of ridiculous business plans thinking I was a genius!? I was losing it�



I had to take drastic steps in a bid to save our family financially and immigrated to another country. My wife was not on board but she came with, reluctantly. By this time I had been on and off meds and really struggling with the fact that I had a mental Illness. We drifted further and further apart and the frequent change in meds and dosages did not help our fragile marriage one bit. Unfortunately I treated my wife so bad. She suffered emotionally under my mood swings and irritable behaviour. For her it was walking on egg shells. Then in 2010 we moved to another town and I started intensive psychiatric treatment and the meds were cranked up to the max and changed often. Things just spiralled out of control and I could not keep myself in a straight line. How could I care emotionally for a hurting spouse when I was mentally impaired. She was alone and hurting for 6 years plus. During this time I binged on alcohol and often embarrassed her and our family and lost my licence and almost my job. The children also suffered under my anger. Fortunately I never physically abused any of them. I ended up having a one night stand and confessed after 3 days. It was horrible. We tried counselling but after sitting in psychiatry counselling and treatment for bipolar for so many years only being told that I have to learn to live with bipolar I couldn�t continue with marriage counselling. I couldn�t see the point. I stopped going.



Then in 2013 I was assigned a new mental health practitioner and after studying my file the first thing he asked was wether I questioned my diagnosis???!!! Hallelujah! For the first time someone heard me. I stopped all psychotropic drugs and now a year later I am in the best mental state for as long as I can remember. I am off the drink, stopped smoking and stopped chasing other women. I have a very stable job with a six figure income�unfortunately my wife asked me to leave 7 months ago after I decided to confess all to her because I had more than one affair while on medication and I could not bear her not knowing and I could not lie any longer. I loved her too much to lie to her. She had been beside me while I was going through hell. The least I could do was to be honest with her. She kicked me out, deservedly so�



She now lives in the house I started building for her before we got separated and she has our three kids and I walked away with nothing. She has no interest in reconciliation or council ling or anything. She is hell bent on getting divorced in March 2015 and wants the house and and and�



Since we separated she asked me to stop helping, offering help, stop talking to her if it does not relate to childcare, stop calling. STOP. She has checked out of our marriage emotionally and I am kept at the longest distance. We went for mediation and it involved sorting out finances and child care. She is adamant on getting a divorce. She is a very beautiful person and she does not deserve the injustice of my misdiagnosis and our family is torn because of this. I know I am a better man and have been in the past. I am not a victim and don�t pity myself. How do I navigate this very dark point in my life?



Some questions??



1. I have been paying her way more than what is required by Child Services (alimony). Way more. Should I continue to do this until she divorces me or should I cut back to the payment dictated by alimony? Will tight finances help her see that financially she is looking at a pretty grim future? She does work and earn a decent salary but I doubt that she will maintain the house and everything without my extra financial support. Both our names are on the deed so I really don�t know?

2. At the moment I�m living in a pretty crappy place. Initially I thought it will be until she comes to her senses and lets me move back home�not! Do I move on and buy furniture and and as if I don�t want to reconcile because I do and will give myself and anything to show her the man she married is still alive!

3. Do Walkaway wives turn back to their husbands? If so, can I do anything to help her see the truth. ( she does acknowledge that I have mad massive changes in my life, before and after the separation but too little too late she says)



Regards,

I would do the decent thing and continue overpaying until you are divorced. This woman has been through holy hell and has taken her option of leaving the marriage. Don't punish her.


I would stop trying to manipulate her and take her at her word. She has decided to move on. Let her go. She came to her senses when she decided to end the marriage.


Hopefully, you can see the truth. The truth is that she has had enough and is exercising her option to leave the marriage. That is her right.

Continue to make permanent changes for You.

If you are authentic and IF she sees you are sincere and lifelong lasting, then it would be her choice to explore your possible relationship further down the road.

Let her know you want her to take her time to see if your changes are genuine though.

No Pressure on her.

Now, read up on ALL of the articles posted on this site by Dr. Harley and start taking lessons from the veteran posters.

LTL

Thank you for the reply.