I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll go way back to the beginning. I was in a long term relationship that resulted in 2 children. In the spring of 2014, 'A' as I'll refer to him from here on out told me that he wanted to separate. A dear relative had just died, we were experiencing financial issues, and I was majorly depressed. I reacted to the separation with anger and told him that I wanted to take steps to immediately sever all ties. He was very reluctant to close our joint bank accounts, deal with cars, etc. We were still living together at the time.



I found out that he was cheating and wouldn't quit no matter how many times he promised to. After that, I asked him to move out and he complied. Since then, we have been in court almost constantly. I moved to another part of the state with the kids. A finally just started to get overnight visits. He is months behind on child support and hasn't bought the kids even a single article of clothing. All child visitation exchanges take place in public.

He is obviously miserable and suffering. He goes back and forth between trying to make amends while accepting his new reality and blaming me for all his woes. After A betrayed me, I decided that I wouldn't embarrass myself any further. He has even filed paperwork with the court stating that I'm doing 'all this' (protecting the kids and myself from his insanity) because I still want him. For me, cutting contact was about showing him that I was, in fact, completely okay with moving on with my life without him being included.

He has literally been breaking his neck trying to physically see and interact with me while I have gone out of my way to avoid him - maybe a little too much. I'll admit that I have faltered in some ways, but for a man who has been used to getting his way for a long time, he is complete and utter shock that I haven't given in already.

So, I'm completely open to suggestions. Please let me know what I'm doing wrong and what I can improve upon. I really wish that I had sent a letter letting him know how I felt, but I didn't have the opportunity. Besides, it could probably be used against me now with this contentious custody battle. I'm only here because the good in A, the A I used to know, might still be hiding inside. Sometimes, I'm not so sure about that. I do know that I have to continue to stay dark. I do not want to meet him to talk for many reasons, including safety at this point. He sounds like a raving lunatic over text, so I can only imagine what he'd be like in person.

For the most part, ending our relationship has been awesome for me because it has finally allowed me to stop thinking about him and focus on myself for once. I've done things that I never thought would be possible and it feels amazing. The kids and I now live in a beautiful home that is nearby parks, museums, zoos, restaurants - you name it. Previously, we lived out in the sticks where the kids were constantly bored to death.

I don't know anything about A other than what he volunteers, and to be honest, even that's too much. He constantly pries and generally gives me a 'creeped out' feeling when we do child exchanges. I have not said a single word in person to him since mid summer. Hopefully, I'll get some feedback because I'm going to be dealing with this for awhile.

What is your question and what do you want suggestions on?

The reality is your bf is not in an affair since there is no marriage. The reality is he is not your husband and is not committed to you. He sounds like a loser for not taking care of his children.

He's not my bf, he's my ex. My question is what can I do to maintain boundaries and continue Plan B. I was reluctant enough to post due to the fact that we were never married, but the fact of the matter is that this is much deeper than a simple break-up.

Your ex-bf then. It still doesn't change what I previously said. You are not surviving an affair.

If he harasses you file for a Protective Order. If he doesn't see his children that is probably a good thing given his behavior. I would also go for sole custody in your case. He has already shown he will let your kids down and doesn't care.

Are you personally offended by my posting here because I'm not actually surviving an affair? If that is the case, do you have any suggestions on where I should go instead because I'm all ears.

I already filed for an RO. I am following the suggestions of my attorney as it pertains to custody. I am asking for assistance for setting personal boundaries as what I have tried so far hasn't helped.

No I am not offended that you are posting but you are also not in the right Forum either.

Okay, do you have any suggestions as to where I should go then? I am looking for solutions, that's all.

Perhaps look through threads in the Divorce Forum.


Like this one -
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2801742#Post2801742

Other than that...don't talk to your ex, set up an IM or perhaps even move away if you can.

You can have the moderators move your thread

Although your XBF's cheating has hurt you deeply, the difference between marriage and living together is that you have not taken vows to "forsake all others" and to be faithful to each other. Obviously, even vowing this doesn't mean your marriage will be safe from an affair; however, having an affair in marriage means the vow was broken. Dr. Harley has specific steps to take when a marriage has suffered an affair.

In your situation, the best solution would be to completely end all contact with him, because staying in contact with him will hurt you emotionally and wear you down mentally and physically. Use an intermediary for all communication regarding the children.

In the future, should he want to return to you, please insist that he marry you and follow Extraordinary Precautions for life.

Realist, you could write a letter to your ex boyfriend and tell him that you are willing to create a loving romantic relationship with him but he must first end his relationship with OW. Until then, you can have no contact with him and use an IM for all pertinent contact.

Do not mention marriage in the letter but if he responds then a marriage based on MB principles would be the definition what you would be willing to work towards.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am fully aware that we were not in a marriage nor did our relationship meet that level. The reason I am here is because there's pretty much nowhere else on the web where I can get practical advice. This wasn't some teenage dating relationship here, but it wasn't a marriage. So I'm in limbo.

My problem is that I have taken all possible measures to avoid him, but legally speaking, I don't have a choice but to interact with him at least on some level because we have children together. Because we weren't married, an IM is not practical. It would make me look like I was being dramatic in the eyes of the courts. I am trying to take measures to use online software to develop a parenting schedule. This would eliminate the need to deal with him directly.

My lawyer has suggested that I work with him directly to resolve parenting conflict. I believe she suggested this so that a precedent can be set. In other words, if I want to show the courts that I am the more stable parent, I have to prove that he is not. Unfortunately, this takes time.

I am not even considering his return. I am concerned with what I can do to establish firm boundaries that he cannot violate. With the RO being lifted, he has slowly been able to creep back into my life. It is exhausting to say the least.

I appreciate your advice. At this point, I'm pretty sure he would just use it against me in court so I can't put anything in writing and I'm sure as heck not trying to speak to him. I've moved away, I've focused on the kids and myself and I've tried to forget him. I am going to try and speak to my lawyer again today to see if we can go about getting an IM of some sort, but I was told this was not possible when I asked before.

Even though you weren't married, you can still use an IM to exchange information about the children. Many courts recognize parallel parenting. If anything, an IM will help you reduce the drama in your life. Read through this thread on parallel parenting. Here

To show the courts you are a stable parent doesn't mean you MUST interact with him, does it? You would need to show the courts that you can care for your children. Your lawyer's suggestion will help to make you feel much worse emotionally.

Do you have a friend or family member who can remain neutral and filter out anything your XBF says except for relevant info regarding the children? Once you have an IM in place, make sure he can't get in contact with you through phone, email, in person, etc.

Thank you soo much! I will really press my attorney about this. I have been stressed to the max because of continued contact with him. It seems that the courts are trying to force us to co-parent when it is clear that parallel parenting is the only logical solution.

As far as an IM - I'm not sure about that yet. Most of my family, and even some of his, are extremely mad at him and would not be impartial. Almost all of my friends are single, childless and have little spare time, but I will see what I can do. Thanks again for your suggestion!

Nonsense. You are inviting drama into your life through continued contact. Do you think a judge cares if you don't want to talk to your ex boyfriend again?

Don't do any of that.
You've had restraining orders and ongoing conflicts.
Get an IM and stop the drama.
I was married with 3 kids and have an IM with no contact with ex-wife. You can too.

Being in IM is pretty easy and won't take much time on the part of your IM. All she would need to do is to read through your XBF's email for anything relevant about the children and then let you know only that piece of specific information. No emotion, just facts, are sent to you.

You can use the term "parenting coordinator" when speaking with your attorney.
But you dont need an attorneys permission to get an IM.
Every divorced person in here has an IM.

Coincidentally, I just talked to her. She basically agreed with me and gave me some other details that I can't really reveal. Needless to say, it looks like I'm going to get exactly what I want custody wise and direct contact will no longer be required. I am going to work on getting an IM in the meantime and hope that he stays down in his hole.