Hi this is my first post and i am really struggling to keep going. I appologies in advance for this seriously long post.

i am not married but have been with partner for 14 years so i will refer to him as my H. We were best friends for 3 years prior to getting together so have been in eachothers lives for 17 years.

I found out about the affair almost as soon as it started on 28/03/14. My H is very much into squash and missed a tournament becuase he was having drinks with friends. This didn't add up and i checked his phone to find a message saying "glad we finally got there". He of course denied it until i found more and more proof.

Since this time he has been pretty much cake eating with me and her and i have been trying to do a good plan A but i haven't been able to stop the affair.

He has said that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and how could he love me if he is doing this to me. He does however tell her that he loves her (seen messages).

We have taken a break a few times but this doesn't tend to last long. In May he packed his bags early in the morning and said he was going. He went for the weekend but was back a few days later like it had never happened. i was just so glad to have him home i took him back. In September he left me again to go to live at his mums. A couple of days later he came home early one morning and had deep scratches all down his neck where they had had a fight and she had gone crazy on him, scared for life now. He shortly afterwards went on holiday with her and i vowed i wouldn't have him back. He spent the whole holiday texting me and came home straight after getting back into gatwick. Again i was too weak to put my foot down. More recently in November he left to go to his mums and then kept on finding excuses to see me and again returned home.

The affair already seems to have gone through a number of stages. At first he was very into going out after work most nights, getting dressed up and coming home at 2am. this was very unlike him as my H isn't very sociable.

This has now changed and he tends to spend one to two nights a week at her house and the rest of the time at home. They argue quite a bit and some nights when he is at home she will call his phone 30 times and leave loads of messages. She has also called mine and stayed silent when i pick up. He rarely dresses up now and the stresses and strains of dealing with this situation show as he is not his well groomed self anymore.

As far as i can tell he is telling us the same thing that he doesn't know what he wants and he keeps on saying that he knows he needs to make a decision but doesn't. He is obviously enjoying us both.

I have painted quite an awful picture of him and i know that people will say why do you want to stay with him. He is a totally different person right now to my H, in the fog as they say. I have a fantastic life with him, we have the same interests and do everything together. Prior to the affair we had a good sex life but definately lacked communication. I have asked what he gets from the affair and he says it just feels comfortable. In terms of my H E needs i had put on some weight and didn't look after myself the way i should (i have not lost 30lbs throught the BS diet) i definately didn't compliment him enough and feed his ego which i have been doing in my plan A.

Him and OW don't really do much together except have sex, go out to meals and drinks once of twice a week. My H is now putting his squash before her again as they had an argument last week that he is always playing squash rather than seeing her (i play squash at the same club with him). I do worry a bit about her as she is extremmely needy, i worry that she might get pregnant. If my H doesn't text or call her at night before he goes to bed she will call his phone all night, there are often 20 missed calls on his phone. He does however seem totally infatuated with her and unable to stop seeing her.

My daughter is home from Uni for christmas so i am holding on in there but think i need to do a proper plan B for the new year. I have nearly lost my job this year over this and have the option now to turn this around so i want to take full advantage of this and just want the affair to end. i just don't think that my H will ever take the decision on his own.

any advice is much appreciated x

sorry, i thought i had posted this in the affair section but it ended up here, have moved back to affair section.

Hi kungfuprincess, welcome to Marriage Builders. I agree that you should cut off contact with him, but I would do it immediately. His relationship with this other woman is so harmful and hurtful to you that it will tear you down emotionally and physically. Staying in there and competing with him is not only ineffective, but it makes you look unattractive to him. YOU should make the decision to end contact with him. Take back control of your life.

The reason the mods moved this to Dating and Relationships is because you are not married.

Sorry that you have to be here but you will get through this. Regardless of whether or not your bf has positive characteristics (because we all do) he's treating you like dirt. And you are allowing it.

Do you have children in common? Any joint property, finances or investments? If the answer is no, thank your lucky stars. If yes, talk to an attorney to see what you can do to get them separated. Do not tell him what you are planning to do in advance. Get him out of your life, ASAP. He keeps coming back because he knows that he can. Love has nothing to do with it. You are better than that.

You need to kick him out or move away, pronto. If finances are stopping you from doing right now, develop a realistic plan and motivate yourself to see it through. There's simply no reason for you continue to torture yourself like this.

It will hurt not to see, speak or interact with him, especially at first. But there is really no other solution. If you chose to 'wean' yourself off of him because you can't imagine life without him in it, you will only lower your chances of reconciliation, if that is what you think you want right now. Endure the pain now so that your wounds can heal faster.

Interesting enough i have just had my post moved from surviving an affair to dating and relationships because i too am not married so i am guessing that in the MB community my partner cannot be having an affair because we are not married????

My relationship of 14 years has lasted longer than many other marriages i am aware of and this is the first time my partner has strayed as far as i am aware. I too don't understand the concept that if we were married things would be any differnent to what they are now or that we would treat eachother any differently. Having read many of the affair posts my story is very similar to others, and their husbands cannot have been more commited than mine or you wouldn't need the surviving the affair forum for the married people?? Yes we are not married but there is some kind of commitment there because we have had 14 happy years together and despite his affair he doesn't seem to want to end our relationship.

I don't mean to be bitchy about it but after coming here for help i do feel like i am being bashed and belittled for not being married.

It is true that many marriages fail. Dr. Harley researched and found that about 40% of marriages end in divorce, 20% in permanent estrangement, 20% living in unpleasant, and/or unhappy, and/or unromantic marriages, leaving about 20% in great marriages. The reality is that many people have no idea how to attain the skills necessary for a great marriage.

BUT, there are a couple of notable differences between marriage and living together:

1.) Couples who marry promise before witnesses that they will forsake all others and remain faithful and that they will care for each other.

2.) Couples who marry have legal protection in the event of divorce.

Marriage is much much more than "a piece of paper," even though there are many people who are married who fail at keeping their promises.

People who live together without making the actual promise of commitment and the legal obligation to each other remain "committed" to the relationship as long as it suits one or both of them. No promises and little real legal obligation.

However, that being said, I do understand, and so do the posters here, that when a long-term partner cheats, there is real hurt.

Help is what we want to give you, but it has to be the right help. Your marital status is a critical factor in advising you. The lack of an underlying commitment of marriage is a big issue.

You need to read Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". It will help you understand the dynamics of relationships, and why the lack of a marriage vow and the lack of establishing a relationship between buyers has contributed to the situation you find yourself in.

We only want to help you. Telling you that your long term relationship is the same as a marriage is *not* helping you! You need to understand why I say this. It is not because I am some sort of out of touch puritan, but because thinking you were in a secure and lasting relationship when you were not is the very pit that you fell in to.

Please read this. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

You are not being belittled.

You are dealing with a different situation than if you were married.

You need to first see that and then deal with the betrayal by your bf.

Your bf has chosen to date another person and it is horrific but you can either stay in the triangle or remove yourself and try to heal from it.

thanks for the advise. So is the book buyers, renters and freeloaders going to help me get him back? It seems like the advise i am being given is to leave him but i don't want to do that because of our children.

That book will give you essential information. Whether you get bf back or just use it to make your next relationship more solid depends on a number of factors. But it will absolutely open your eyes so that you will see what went wrong.



I do not see that advice in your thread. I see you being told to go immediately into a dark plan B both for your health and because you can force him to choose between the two of you that way. Men love the thrill of the chase; enabling his other relationship makes you less attractive to him.

The fact that you have children together is a powerful weapon in your favour. If you are able to recover, promise yourself that you will only do it as a buyer. That means a marriage contract. That way you have both a legal and a moral structure to support and protect you when you are at your most vulnerable. Children put huge amounts of stress on relationships because, unless you are really careful, they will suck the energy and attention out of the relationship. You need to actively work on preventing that from happening. We have posters here that have created passionate romantic marriages and have seven children. It absolutely can be done.

"Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" tells you what you must both do to become committed buyers. That is a plan to get him back, in the sense that becoming buyers is an essential part of a lasting relationship. What you can do at this point is limited, but you can create an environment in which the odds of his buying in is maximized.

I am so sorry that your trust in your long term partner has been so cruelly betrayed. As the others in the forum have said, marriage is the only truly committed relationship, and it was not said to discount your emotional pain. Your best option is to respect yourself and walk away.

Thanks for the advise everyone. I am going to try do a plan a over Christmas and then early in the new year try to get him to leave and go into plan b. This will be really difficult as i will have to manage the children by myself and rely on him financially. I am worried that he won't agree to leave as I have no where to go and have no money to get somewhere of my own. Is there any plan I can do if he doesn't leave? I will read the book but am not really sure at this point that marriage will be on the cards for a little while.

Have you read this?
How to Plan B Correctly

Are you sure that Plan A is appropriate under the circumstances? You're already stressed and the holidays are fast approaching. In my opinion, putting any focus on him isn't going to help you - which is where your focus should be.

I can tell you that I was exactly where you were six months ago. I didn't have a real solid 'plan' either, I just had to wing it and pray for the best. Thankfully, it all worked out.

Do you have anyone that you can stay with? No one who loves you will hold it over your head if you ask for help. What are your skills? I could make some suggestions for earning money if I know what your skill sets were.

Please have a plan in place before you 'ask' him to leave. When people believe that they have all the power, they can do some nasty things when things don't go their way.

Please, please, please use this time to regroup and plan for yourself and your children. You still have the advantage. If you give him any indication that you mean serious business before you have a chance to get your ducks in a row, you could end up hurting yourself in the long run.