BW 55
WH 49
Married 27 yrs

I found out 6 months ago that my husband was having an affair for 8 mths with a woman at work. He has now been living with her for 4.5mths. We tried to reconcile but he couldn't stop thinking about her. We are talking and he visits and says some very confusing things re: still loves me etc but he won't/can't end the affair because this woman needs him more than me!I am still hopeful that we can reconcile but not sure if I'm just deluding myself. I'm absolutely devastated! Any advice?

Has the affair been exposed to friends and family? You also need to expose at work. There are templates for exposure provided. Your husband is living in an irrational fantasy world. He couldn't stop because affairs are addictive. The only way you can reconcile is to get him removed from the source of his addiction.

ETA: Exposure 101

You have to expose!

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread?
It's in the "Start Here First" thread at the top of the Surviving an Affair forum.

I'm sure MelodyLane will respond to you soon. She is an incredible resource for exposing, and lots of other stuff.

Him saying that the other woman(OW) needs him more than you is his justification (fog-babble). Don't let it get to you.

OW's 8-months mean nothing next to your 27 years!

Have read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr.Harley?

Yes it is all out in the open. We were ministers of a church and he has just walked away from family, ministry and the church has dissolved....it's so sad. I just don't know whether to believe him when he says there's a chance we can reconcile because he's not willing to leave this woman.

Yes it has been exposed. We were ministers of a church and he just developed this friendship with this woman at work and walked away from family, ministry and the church has dissolved which we were pastoring. He has shut himself off from everyone except this woman who is an alcoholic but obviously fills needs which I wasn't....so sad.

I have read that book and we went overseas to try and sort our marriage out but he lasted 5 days, rang her on the phone and 4 days later abandoned me in Europe to come home and live with her where he's been over 4 months now. When we talk it's as if he wants me still as backup until she gives him a reason to leave. He hasn't even attempted to move his belongings out. we see each other once a week and talk but I doubt if there's any positive Love Bank points happening cos he always returns to her.

Do you have children? Have they been told?

Is OW married? Who did you expose to on her side?

Have you exposed to their jobs?

Who exactly on his side have you exposed to?

Both of our families (parents & siblings) know. 5 adult children between us know. Her family know. She is still working where they met. He left the job when we went to Europe. OW is married and kicked her husband out for WH to move in.

Welcome to MB Chrissie. I am sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.

You needed to be in Plan B many months ago. You should not have tolerated this situation for more than 3 weeks. Plan B means cutting off all means of contact with him, to protect yourself from taking a ringside seat and watching his affair. As a woman, you need to protect your physical and emotional health from the effects of his cruelty, and you need not to compete with his affair partner.

Do I understand correctly that yo are on different continents Where is he? The fact that you live that far apart, and the fact that your children are adults, will make Plan B very simple to effect. You should be able to do it today.

When you say "5 children between you", does that mean that you have children from other marriages? Could you tell us about that history, please?

How are your finances organised now? Are you living in the marital home? Who pays for it? Does he send you any money?

Under what circumstances were you able to live abroad? Did one of you get a job in Europe? How are yo surviving there, financially, now that he has gone?

Are you planning to return to your home country? Is he living in the marital home? Where could you live if you went home?

The family home needs to be sold so that he does not live there with his whore at your expense. He can buy you out if he wants to live there with her.

We live in the same city....we went overseas to try and escape the OW but he rang her and then flew home to move in with her after her emotional plea. Prior to the attempt at reconciliation he had lived with her for 8 weeks and kept coming to and fro but always went back to her after visiting me.
He still visits me and tells me he loves me still and there could be a chance for reconciliation. We have both been married before and have 5 adult children between us.
I am about to get a Consent Order drawn up as he says he trusts me with all the money, house etc. He says he's told her that he's taking nothing from the marriage but leaving it all to the kids.
I'm living in the marital home and he pays nothing. Once the consent order goes through I will own it myself.

The Europe trip was supposed to be a 7 week holiday to get away from OW. Didn't work. He has now been living with her for 4.5 mths but I still see him and talk about things....I guess I'm entertaining the affair hey?

After 27 years I still love him and long for reconciliation and miss him terribly. The last 6 mths since I found out have been hell. An emotional rollercoaster....we have discussed things in depth but he won't leave her cos she is very needy and wants me to not give up on him while he sorts the mess!! Hasn't guaranteed reconciliation though...I think he's just having fun with her. What's the best thing to do? The consent order won't be through the courts until end of Jan 15

The best thing to do is to go to Plan B immediately, as I said in my earlier post.

Once again, could you clarify the position with the children, please? How many are yours, how many are his, and how many belong to both of you?

How did your previous marriage end? How did his?

One child from my previous marriage, 2 children from his previous marriage, 2 children together. Both our previous marriages ended due to adultery from the other spouses. He promised me he could never do that to me cos of the pain he went through from his previous spouse doing it to him!
I'm hesitant to stop all contact until this consent order goes through.

I think that is a good point, and you should get as much money and assets transferred to you as possible before you act. How long will that take?

Could you explain to me what a consent order will give you? Does it transfer ownership of the house to you? Is there a mortgage outstanding, or is it owned outright?

If any of your joint children is still in full-time education, you will need to see a lawyer about getting a court order to ensure that he pays for their upkeep.

How far do you live apart from each other? Do you risk running into the happy couple at the supermarket?

While you are waiting for the consent order to go through, you must shield yourself from cake-eating conversations about how he needs you to stick around while he shags OW. In fact, I don't know why he needs to visit the house at all. He can see your adult children in a cafe or at his house.

How are the joint children reacting to his adultery? Are they trying to be friends with OW?

The consent order will transfer the marital house into my name only. This will be through by the end of Jan 15. I will still have to service a mortgage but I can handle the repayments and it will be all mine. No children in education...only the 25 yr old lives with me.
Fortunately we live at opposite ends of a city 40km apart.
None of the children want to have anything to do with him. He has made no effort to contact any of them since the affair was revealed. The one who lives at home is civil to him when he visits.

He has taken minimal clothing and belongings so most of his stuff is still in my house.

So he really does not need to visit the house, then. He has been visiting you, rather than the children. You must see that allowing him to get some of his needs met by you, while you are understanding and allow him to simultaneously get his needs met by her, has not helped reconciliation at all. All it has done is given you a ringside seat to his affair.

He might not return to your marriage. He has moved in with OW, and now that your joint children are grown, there is not the same pull to restore the family as there might have been when the kids were younger. You need to stop trying to get him back. You need to knock him off the fence that he is straddling by going to Plan B so that he only has OW to meet his needs. If he is happy with that and never goes back, at least you are spared the pain of trying to compete with her in a losing battle.

He must have got married the first time very young, to have had a child and remarried by the time he was 22. What was the timeline on that?

Did you know each other before you were divorced?