Hi Dr. Harley, we are struggling with the implementation of POJA. I knew this would be a problem for me because of my penchant for independent behavior. [I scored a 20 on your test and DH scored a 5] But he seems to continually engage in angry outbursts. Over micky mouse stuff, usually related to money, even though we make a good living and are financially comfortable.

Can you look at this dialogue, which happened in the grocery store today, and tell me how this should be done? This is the 2nd week in a row he has exploded in the grocery store. You had mentioned learning POJA skills in the grocery store and it is not going well!

Mel: does a salad sound good to you for dinner?
DH: that's fine
We approach the produce section and DH picks up a head of lettuce

Mel: I had planned on getting kale, romaine or spinach because there is no nutritional value in lettuce
DH: says nothing
MEL: grabs a bag of shredded romaine lettuce
DH: I REFUSE TO PAY THAT MUCH FOR A BAG OF LETTUCE!!! [it is $2.99 whereas the head of lettuce is $.89] PUT IT BACK!!
Mel, horrified and embarrassed at this outburst, tries to ignore him because she can't believe he is acting so disrespectfully over $2.99
DH follows her and says again: "MEL, PUT THAT BACK!! I REFUSE!!"

I take the salad dressing I am carrying, slam it into the cart and say "that's it, I am done" and leave the store. He follows me out to the car with "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can go back in and get the groceries. I will stay out here and leave you alone."

We had a similar scene the week before where he went into a rage over tortillas. I tossed 2 packages into the cart and then decided to add another. [we had company coming] He pitched a fit and demanded I put back the 3rd package.

Dr. Harley, just so you know, I am 50 years old, have a successful career, and am financially comfortable, and can damn well afford tortillas and romaine lettuce.

Every time he has one of these meltdowns over micky mouse stuff, I can hardly stand him for a week. What do you suggest?

MelodyLane: There are two separate issues that should be addressed in your marriage: angry outbursts and independent behavior. The more important of the two is the angry outbursts.

The trigger for your husband's angry outburst is your independent behavior. It's the reason for his angry outburst, but it's no excuse. Your husband should attend anger management training until he can control his anger under all circumstances, regardless of how frustrating they may be to him. My position on this issue is repeated throughout my books, articles and radio show. Anger solves no problems -- they create new ones.

I realise that there is a problem on how we commicate and I will work on resolving that problem.

I am confused on the angry outburst comment though. At no time did I get angry and have an outburst. My idea of of an outburst is yelling and screaming but I guess that is not the case? Talking to ML though I do see where she thinks it was, so I apologise And will take the approipate actions to amke sure it does not happen again. Honestly looking back, it shouldnt of been that big of deal to me and should of let it pass.

However,It seems to me that whenever I disagree with ML, that her first commment is that I am trying to control her. Same could be said about POJA.....

goldwinger59: If your wife's description of your interaction is correct, you had an angry outburst. It was not simply letting her know that you were not enthusiastic about buying the Romaine lettuce. Granted, she may have problems with independent behavior, but if you respond with an angry reaction, it will lead to either a fight or her withdrawal from you. So the first order of business should be to identify your angry reactions, and completely eliminate them from your conversation.

As for her independent behavior, it's an issue that you have probably been trying to iron out for some time. It's tough getting used to asking how a spouse feels about a decision before it's made, particularly when you think you have the right to make unilateral decisions. But your wife wants to get into the habit of using the POJA, and the more you practice it, the better you'll get at it. Just don't get angry with her when she fails the test.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Hi Dr. Harley, I wanted to give you an update on how well your advice has worked. We are somewhat surprised at how different things are now compared to the past. The changes we have made in IB and AO have had a domino effect and are impacting other emotional needs in a positive way. In the past, my H would blow up about once a month, usually in response to my IB and then I would withdraw. I have to admit I was pretty bad, though.

He has not had an angry outburst since you told him that [I think he was SHOCKED to be told he was having an AO], mostly because he is now relaxed around me. He is relaxed around me because I am not "surprising" him with regular bouts of IB. We POJA most of our spending so he doesn't worry all the time, and he gets to rathole money every month. [he loves to save money]

This change has led to him meeting my need for admiration, affection and my willingness to meet his for RC because he is so much more pleasant to be around.

The key, indeed, was learning to POJA in the grocery store. Our visits to the grocery store today are pleasant and enjoyable. We know pretty much what we want and what is acceptable to the other so there is no longer fireworks. This has expanded to all other areas of our life.

Thanks, Mel

MelodyLane:

While there are no excuses for angry outbursts in marriage, there are reasons, and independent behavior usually tops the list. I'm happy to hear that you're making it easier for your husband to overcome his AOs by avoiding IB. Keep up the good work!

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

But, though welcome to do so from my perspective, I don't know how my company would deal with it, allow her through my firewall from her work place or home PC, etc.

Crap!

Honest, I meant no disrespect or implication by 'compelled'. Thanks, 'desires' or 'for whatever reason' does sound better.

Thanks,
remark

As you should. She should have access to everything because your wife comes before your career. I work for a Fortune 500 company and my H has access to my laptop and I have access to his. I even have a way to see every call that comes into his desk phone!

Us disrespectful guys usually don't mean any disrespect at all!

It's a matter of learning what can be perceived as disrespectful and learning to filter it out. I recommend developing a very strict filter!

Surely she can get in through the same access route as you, right?

Did you notice how horribly disrespectful I was about my husbands opinions in that post? I dismissed his views as "micky mouse."

Amazing how my husband relaxed when I stopped doing that to him. No more angry outbursts and the use of the POJA makes us feel like we are a CLOSE COUPLE now. We are partners.

Markos,
WOW! I hadn't thought of that!
My answer: No, she would have no consequences from me. I know our PC support folks have that ability as they have periodically resolved issues on my PC. But, though welcome to do so from my perspective, I don't know how my company would deal with it, allow her through my firewall from her work place or home PC, etc.

Bottom line though, she'd have no issues from me.

And, just so we're clear, I have already given her the involved instruction set of how to log onto my company PC and log on as me and all my passwords and PINs to PC's (work and home) phone and iPad.
Anxious to be trustworthy and trusted,
Thanks, remark