Long story short, I'm an empty nester. Its taken me 8 years and a lot of counseling to realize that my husband is mentally and financially abusive and isn't going to change. We have a home, a lot of debt, and many pets.

I can't afford to buy another home for myself and I'll never find a place to rent that will take my animals. So we had an inhouse separation for many months that went well for me until I got the flu and he conveniently moved back into the bedroom one night while I was feverish, too ill to tell him to get out.

He's been on his best behaviour since. I know its temporary, but I thought maybe I'd just coast through the holidays and take some next steps in the new year.

Friends challenged me on that today. They said that it appears that because my H is being "good" that I've stopped making progress with my separation, that I'm choosing to work on the marriage. They also said it appears that I'm choosing an abusive H over my adult children, extended family and friends. They made it clear they want me to keep moving forward and not slip back into the familiarity of my marriage.

I have nowhere to go. I've lost my marriage. How do I move forward when it means giving up a home and my pets, too?

Abusive how?

Would you be interested in implementing this programme? If your husband is willing to change his behaviour to 'best' to avoid losing you, a programme that involves natural behaviour would be easy, don't you think?

Many men are quite stunned when their wife tells them they consider them abusive and plan to leave. Sometimes this is the wake up call they need.

Your friends; are they single?

It is very strange that they object to some one putting their spouse first. That's what everyone vows to do on their wedding day!

My husband is abusive and has been for the last 8 years. I did put him first, despite abuse, throughout our marriage. I've lost family and friends who refuse to watch me be abused.

My mom stays with her husband who was violent for years. She acts as if it never happened, and expects us to do the same. She even gave me a hard time for not leaving my kids there with them for a visit, as my kids did visit their other grandma unsupervised. I respect her decisions, and I don't keep bringing it up, but I do not rest easy that my mom is safe, as long as he's there.

The recidivism rate is so high. If you choose to stay, how about getting some battered wife's support, so can make a plan to leave if the abuse returns? That may be all your friends and family need to feel better.

Can you tell us what form the abuse takes?

Poster's original thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170967&Number=2820513#Post2820513

It might help you to look at the lovebust we section. Dr H categorizes abuse very well.

It's clear you don't mean physical abuse so you may find these categories helpful.

Some versions of abuse are so extreme Dr H tells the spouse to leave immediately. Other types of abuse can be overcome.

A lot depends on the specifics of what he has actually done and what long term changes he is willing to make.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you are valuing creature comforts over your sanity. Given that you have lots of debt and are facing foreclosure you really don't have financial security either.

It is certainly your choice to stay in a bad marriage but many, many people have left an abusive marriage because they simply did not want to live in one anymore. Yes it sucks but it can be done.

OK I remember this poster now.

Dawn, I'd tell you that your husband's change of behaviour recently is a good sign and opportunity for change - were it not for the many times you have been made to feel very physically unsafe.

This level of anger isn't solved overnight. Contact Dr H for his guidance on how safe you are remaining in the home with your history.

I find it quite interesting that he's been out of control on occasions in the past, but seemingly can control his opinions now when you've threatened to leave . Who knows how permanent that is?

I'd want the experts advice on this. What you can't do is continue in limbo.

You do not seem willing to leave the financial support or access legal recourses, but you can't simply quit there. If it is possible for you to remain in the house safely while you get funds behind you, then Dr H will tell you so.

If it isn't, then there won't be any way to support your animals and children if you are dead. You may need to put yourself first.

Does he still control access to the money on his 'best behaviour'?

Will your supporters give you a place to stay?

Please read all the articles in here.

How to Overcome Abusive Marriage #1

Also this.
What to do with an Angry Husband

I tried to leave. I packed. I told loved ones -- who live 2+ hours away -- where I was going. I had a place to stay with friends of friends. My car broke down and I had no way to get to work. So I had to text my husband and it was many weeks til I heard the end of my "trip to visit friends in the country."

I have consulted lawyers. Because of my husband's medical history and chronic unemployment I may have to support him, I've been told by both. I cannot afford a retainer.

I am the breadwinner. I pay the mortgage. I cannot pay the mortgage and support my husband and support myself elsewhere.

I have had an inhouse separation in the recent past. I have separate bank account. He wiggled his way back into the bedroom when I am ill. Perhaps a psychologist/mediator -- covered by medical insurance -- would help me create a legally binding separation agreement so I may have the space I need.

If he was going to kill me, he would have done it a very long time ago. He is verbally and financially abusive but has never touched me.

I guess you've chosen your future then.