I have been married to my husband,for just over 25 years
(first and only marriage)

Over the past 20+ years these are the issues that have been ongoing without resolve:

1) Nearly a sexless marriage- less than 20 times a year on average- husband's "choice". I don't even think I am attracted to him any longer but sex has just become a means to satisfy a physical need. I want a passionate intimate relationship but not sure i want it with him anymore (I am NOT having an emotional or physical affair... just so very very lonely in my marriage)

2) I (wife) have been given sole responsibility for the budgeting- implementation of the budget and all financial decisions big and small.

3) Parenting-I have been the sole disciplinarian and raising the children (now adults). Husband is kind and enjoys watching movies with them but he does not and has not ever set boundaries with them or even required them to participate in household chores- respectfully address parents.. and on

4) There is absolutely NO PLAN for our future as empty nesters (in the next year) NO PLAN for retirement and no funds to rely on (we are in our early 50's)

5) WE have nothing in common.. he just follows me in the things that I enjoy saying he just wants to be together...if I do not make plans for our free time he watches tv without initiating or suggesting we do anything else.

Here's what we have done over the past 20+ years:

1) Been to a multitude of marriage seminars- mostly Christian based

2) Met with overseeing Pastors for help

3) Been to 3 different marriage counselors and each also individual counseling (he only goes about 3-5 times and then excuses himself from the counseling process) I have gone on for years in consitent counseling and coaching.

4) We were trained and certified as Marriage Coaches and worked with couples in the churches we were involved in!

5) I have - in every way I can possibly think of expressed the issues that I feel we have, what I want in our marriage if it is to last, how I want things and ask how he wants things( but he always says it's all fine)UGH!

Here's where I am with it

So confused... frustrated... and becoming completely numb and willing to get a divorce

I don't know what else to do. I have spent countless hours working on myself and finding ways to find happiness without putting any responsibility on him to make me happy BUT I believe that we are affected by those we live with.

I feel that our 4 daughters have witnessed a marriage that has had nothing but a struggle to at the very least exist... we are not hateful and yelling we are aloof and existing... once in awhile we make it an effort to be affectionate in front of the girls... but they pretty much have the impression that we tolerate one another

I feel completely disconnected with my husband... I feel that I have carried the burden and also the regrets of not planning for our future and parenting.. thus making a lot of emotional decisions. He did not step in to say we shouldn't do things that way or intervene in any way... so I now have high anxiety in making decisions yet I am the sole decision maker in our family-marriage.

I feel that we somehow were drawn to one another for very unhealthy reasons and did not recognize that when we decided to marry. That being said we didn't have conversations while dating for 2 years prior to our marriage that would have indicated that we were both coming from such an unhealthy place.

I feel like the only reason I am still in this marriage is because my parents were divorced and I don't want to hurt my daughters with a divorce. And Financially because I have been a stay home mom for over 20 years- I have no means of income and health insurance.
*** btw.. I have an inheritance that has provided over half of our income because I care for my father- so my husband although a provider has not been a sole provider for our family***

I guess I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have read the book His Needs- Her Needs... and yes I did do things to try and fill his 'love tank'.

He has been excessively passive in every area of life and I have lost hope of it changing.

I am afraid to leave or have him leave... as I believe it will result in a divorce... but I guess maybe that's where we are. He says he does NOT want a divorce... but he doesn't meet me on any of the areas that we struggle... I am not wanting or asking for perfection... just a partner that wants to live our life together... with some purpose and intention to be connected and enjoy our life together and each other. We obviously do NOT enjoy one another.

Thanks for any insights... feeling defeated

Hi mwm, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the position that many of us found ourselves in when we arrived here and this program made a dramatic difference in our marriages. Marriage Builders is dramatically different from other programs in that its main goal is to create romantic love in your marriage. People who are in love don't get divorced.


You probably did a few things but it was not enough to create romantic love. Romantic love is created by spending 20-25 hours per week together meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. If that is not done, you are spinning your wheels and will never get anywhere. This is the KEY.

We can help you follow these steps if you and your husband are committed to the program. Start here: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Here is the miss in your marriage-------> The Policy of Undivided Attention

The problems in your marriage can be resolved together through negotiation via the policy of joint agreement. When decisions are made jointly, it creates a feeling of partnership and equality, and when the decisions come out badly, no one person is to blame. The POJA will give you the skills to successfully resolve problems in a way that protects the love in your marriage.

What do I do if he just chooses not to participate? This is how it has gone in the past.

He says he is committed but does not take any action. Even counselors have said- "he has the exact responses that he thinks I want to hear- but does nothing to execute a plan or be active in partnering with me"

If he chooses not to participate, then Dr Harley would tell you to separate. He gives that advice here: When to Call it Quits

I suspect one of the reasons he has not participated in the past is because he knew the programs were not effective. Most marriage programs - and marriage counselors - don't work because they have no idea how to restore romantic love. Couples go to marriage counseling for years and become professional communicators and conflict solvers. But they still get divorced because they are not in love.

Another possible reason is that since he is happy he sees no reason to work on the marriage. If that is the case and he won't participate, then Dr Harley would tell you to separate.

MelodyLane,

Thank you... I will go back and thoroughly read through the links you have provided.

I appreciate your replies.

24,

My husband was similarly passive. When we went to counseling the therapist called him an enigma. Would day yes but would not actively participate. Enjoyed his independence but not the responsibility associated with it. Left the responsibilities on my shoulders but did not perceive me as separate. It's like he was incomplete or didn't behave whole.


Your going to need to stop enabling your husband. Your inadvertently contributing. Get in the UA time. Complain. Read Dr Harleys articles about nagging. Also read the book "he wins she wins" negotiate so both are enthusiastic. If your husband is indifferent don't be prompted to decide. Wait. Don't talk over him. Give him a chance to speak up.

Thank you- your advice is so very appreciated

Could you clarify one thing you said, for me please?

What is UA Time?

Thank you

Undivided Attention.

Here The Policy of Undivided Attention

Thank you!

Dear 24 ,

**EDIT**