|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
A fellow member of one of my social network groups asked the rest of us how to keep his new marriage strong when he has to be separated from his wife (he is working abroad) for two years and reportedly cannot bring her over there. He expressed fears of infidelity. The others said you have to trust each other, it can work if you are committed, they have seen marriages work even when couples are separated for decades. Typical feel-good nonsense. I added my input. I told this gentleman that he needs to change jobs ASAP. His company's policies were a threat to the survival of his marriage. There is no way that he and his wife can possibly meet one another's emotional needs when they are apart for two years. I said that his long absence was putting both of them at risk for falling in love with someone else who WAS available to meet their emotional needs. I appealed to him to get a job where he and his wife could be together on a consistent basis and build their relationship. So far, there have been no other comments. Why don't people understand that popular wisdom is often downright foolish and even destructive? I do not personally know this fellow, yet I hope I was able to influence him to save his marriage before it is too late.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
A fellow member of one of my social network groups asked the rest of us how to keep his new marriage strong when he has to be separated from his wife (he is working abroad) for two years and reportedly cannot bring her over there. He expressed fears of infidelity. The others said you have to trust each other, it can work if you are committed, they have seen marriages work even when couples are separated for decades. Typical feel-good nonsense. I added my input. I told this gentleman that he needs to change jobs ASAP. His company's policies were a threat to the survival of his marriage. There is no way that he and his wife can possibly meet one another's emotional needs when they are apart for two years. I said that his long absence was putting both of them at risk for falling in love with someone else who WAS available to meet their emotional needs. I appealed to him to get a job where he and his wife could be together on a consistent basis and build their relationship. So far, there have been no other comments. Why don't people understand that popular wisdom is often downright foolish and even destructive? I do not personally know this fellow, yet I hope I was able to influence him to save his marriage before it is too late. Can you email this to him so he can listen to the clips? Traveling Jobs
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
There is no e-mail contact, and everything is visible to all members. It is a Myers-Briggs based group for my type, INFP.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
There's no way this decision can be interpreted as anything but 'job first, marriage second'. He wouldn't divorce her for a few years with a plan to remarry at the end of the separation, but this is effectively his plan. You can't be married and apart! Those things are opposites!
You can only have one priority. Never tell your spouse that they are not it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
Bad marriage advice abounds sadly. You gave great MB based advise here Celtic, I try to do that too whenever possible in the outside world but notice it sometimes goes over like a lead balloon. Mainly because it is counter to the 'feel good' advice as you say that people like to hold on to.
For instance at Christmas, somehow we got into a conversation about long distance relationships and I said "there is no such thing, you cannot build romantic love or maintain it if you are not together" and my mom said, "yes that is why you need unconditional love that is not based on romance, marriage is more than romance" (or something to that nature). Then the topic was changed as a group. My parents have been unhappily married for over 50 years and counting, so it is no wonder that she holds on to this feel good theory to explain her life.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
I'm going to disagree with the long distance part. Hubby and I were apart for 3 years before we got married and I was in love the whole time. Plus many affairs take place over the Internet when there is no physical contact.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
I'm going to disagree with the long distance part. Hubby and I were apart for 3 years before we got married and I was in love the whole time. Plus many affairs take place over the Internet when there is no physical contact. The 1st 2-3 years are when the PEA chemicals are working overtime building up the fantasy. Surely, you are not suggesting that long distance physical separations enhance a romantic bond for the long haul, are you??? And internet affairs are ALL about the fantasy built up in each others minds, with no reality introduced into the picture. LTL
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
I cannot imagine being in a relationship, much less married, to someone who is consistently away for long periods of time.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
Dr. Harley's view on this when he suggests that couples spend NO night apart is pretty clear. Physical separation will not allow you to meet each other's needs fully, and it will also open up the opportunity for others to meet those needs.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I'm going to disagree with the long distance part. Hubby and I were apart for 3 years before we got married and I was in love the whole time. Plus many affairs take place over the Internet when there is no physical contact. Dr H gets asked this all the time. You can easily fall in love long distance, but it's not the way to stay in love. If the relationship is young, with little or no commitment it won't kill it. However it is not appropriate for the high stakes level of extraordinary care needed in marriage.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
Another recent example: a lady in a Christian social network group is being advised to let her husband have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend "if she has morals and God in her heart." Sorry, but there is no religion in this world that can make one immune to temptation. I typed in a link to this website and encouraged this distressed wife to join the forums at MB, where she will receive honest answers and practical help.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Another recent example: a lady in a Christian social network group is being advised to let her husband have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend "if she has morals and God in her heart." Sorry, but there is no religion in this world that can make one immune to temptation. I typed in a link to this website and encouraged this distressed wife to join the forums at MB, where she will receive honest answers and practical help. Hope she comes and joins us soon.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
I second that. She would be most welcome.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
You all won't find me on the message boards much because I'm occupied with family and a full course schedule in college, but I do visit when possible.
Last edited by CelticMuse; 01/30/15 06:56 AM.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
I second that. She would be most welcome.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80 |
Oops, my computer just malfunctioned. I did not intend to post a comment twice.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
So all of life's problems can be solved by a desire to be nice?
What kind of Christian moral person would set herself up in competition with a wife!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
My thoughts on being the dissenting voice? 40% of marriages end in divorce 20% of all married couples die having been separated for many years 20% continue to live together, they don't have much of a relationship 20% have a romantic relationship throughout marriage-they meet each other's intimate emotional needs So...you can lead a horse to water but according to the stats most don't drink. 
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
542
guests, and
71
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,027
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|