A fellow member of one of my social network groups asked the rest of us how to keep his new marriage strong when he has to be separated from his wife (he is working abroad) for two years and reportedly cannot bring her over there. He expressed fears of infidelity. The others said you have to trust each other, it can work if you are committed, they have seen marriages work even when couples are separated for decades. Typical feel-good nonsense.
I added my input. I told this gentleman that he needs to change jobs ASAP. His company's policies were a threat to the survival of his marriage. There is no way that he and his wife can possibly meet one another's emotional needs when they are apart for two years. I said that his long absence was putting both of them at risk for falling in love with someone else who WAS available to meet their emotional needs. I appealed to him to get a job where he and his wife could be together on a consistent basis and build their relationship. So far, there have been no other comments.
Why don't people understand that popular wisdom is often downright foolish and even destructive? I do not personally know this fellow, yet I hope I was able to influence him to save his marriage before it is too late.

Can you email this to him so he can listen to the clips?
Traveling Jobs

There is no e-mail contact, and everything is visible to all members. It is a Myers-Briggs based group for my type, INFP.

There's no way this decision can be interpreted as anything but 'job first, marriage second'. He wouldn't divorce her for a few years with a plan to remarry at the end of the separation, but this is effectively his plan. You can't be married and apart! Those things are opposites!

You can only have one priority. Never tell your spouse that they are not it.

Bad marriage advice abounds sadly. You gave great MB based advise here Celtic, I try to do that too whenever possible in the outside world but notice it sometimes goes over like a lead balloon. Mainly because it is counter to the 'feel good' advice as you say that people like to hold on to.

For instance at Christmas, somehow we got into a conversation about long distance relationships and I said "there is no such thing, you cannot build romantic love or maintain it if you are not together" and my mom said, "yes that is why you need unconditional love that is not based on romance, marriage is more than romance" (or something to that nature). Then the topic was changed as a group. My parents have been unhappily married for over 50 years and counting, so it is no wonder that she holds on to this feel good theory to explain her life.

I'm going to disagree with the long distance part. Hubby and I were apart for 3 years before we got married and I was in love the whole time. Plus many affairs take place over the Internet when there is no physical contact.

The 1st 2-3 years are when the PEA chemicals are working overtime building up the fantasy.

Surely, you are not suggesting that long distance physical separations enhance a romantic bond for the long haul, are you???

And internet affairs are ALL about the fantasy built up in each others minds, with no reality introduced into the picture.

LTL

I cannot imagine being in a relationship, much less married, to someone who is consistently away for long periods of time.

Dr. Harley's view on this when he suggests that couples spend NO night apart is pretty clear. Physical separation will not allow you to meet each other's needs fully, and it will also open up the opportunity for others to meet those needs.

Dr H gets asked this all the time. You can easily fall in love long distance, but it's not the way to stay in love.

If the relationship is young, with little or no commitment it won't kill it. However it is not appropriate for the high stakes level of extraordinary care needed in marriage.

Another recent example: a lady in a Christian social network group is being advised to let her husband have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend "if she has morals and God in her heart." Sorry, but there is no religion in this world that can make one immune to temptation. I typed in a link to this website and encouraged this distressed wife to join the forums at MB, where she will receive honest answers and practical help.

Hope she comes and joins us soon.

I second that. She would be most welcome.

You all won't find me on the message boards much because I'm occupied with family and a full course schedule in college, but I do visit when possible.

I second that. She would be most welcome.

Oops, my computer just malfunctioned. I did not intend to post a comment twice.

So all of life's problems can be solved by a desire to be nice?

What kind of Christian moral person would set herself up in competition with a wife!

My thoughts on being the dissenting voice?

40% of marriages end in divorce

20% of all married couples die having been separated for many years

20% continue to live together, they don't have much of a relationship

20% have a romantic relationship throughout marriage-they meet each other's intimate emotional needs


So...you can lead a horse to water but according to the stats most don't drink.