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I haven't been on this site for a long while. Just living one day at a time, stuck in a loveless marriage with a man that seems to be clueless or just doesn't care. Everyone was so helpful before, and now I just need to vent and really don't expect any help since nothing has worked before with husband,
updates to my life; Moved back together with husband in 2009. Took care of his parents, one had Alzheimers (MIL passed 9/2012) and FIL has dementia and is in a facility 5 minutes from our home. We were the only providers for them and it was 24/7. I still have same issues with husband. I feel he is uncaring, not demonstrative as far as hardly ever get a hug, kiss etc from him. I can't remember last time we had sex its been well over a year I think. For the last 13 months he has been staying at our old house, trying to fix it up to sell. All he needed to do was tear out old carpet ( he hired a company to install new flooring) He had to paint the home interior 3BR/2 bath, and he was installing ceramic tile in the 2 bathrooms ( they are small maybe 8x8) He stays over at the old house "to work" only comes home maybe on the weekends, and then all he does is sit in front of TV.

This home we have lived in for about 3 years and I think he still hasnt finished anything upstairs as noted in my previous posts. Master bath not finished, kitchen not finished etc.

He has told me that the more I nag him to finish things, it makes him not want to do anything. huh OK..so I stopped nagging. The thing is that there is no way he hasnt been able to finish the old house already. He has his laptop over there, and if its like here, he will sit there and play with his stocks for hours..so I have new doubts now that he is even working 2 hours a day over there.

While he is over there he will text me everyday. He knows I am not going to drive over there which is a good 1 hour drive.

About 3 weeks ago a letter came from the Dept of Highway something, in my name. So i opened it. It was a ticket for running a red light in Chicago at 2;30 am!!! We live about 1 1/2 hours from Chicago and he never goes there since he says he hates the traffic. So I go online as I know I was not in chicago, and I access the actual video. Its husbands pick up truck!! The truck is in my name so that's why the letter came in my name. Cheating/affair radar comes on for me. I call him and ask him about this ticket and what was he doing in Chicago at 2;30am. He was like, oh i forgot to tell you about it..I was up there cuz someone told me they had a 24hr Home depot and I needed to get some things but I never found the home depot..yea right! To me that is the sorryest excuse/explanation ever. He has been sneaky and has had, as far as I know ,only little flirting affairs that he swears never had sex with any of these women..so now I am pissed but have no way of knowing what he was up to. He will deny any wrong doing unless I actually have evidence.

He went online and paid the $100 ticket and i asked him point blank if he is having a little fling, he becomes all defensive and angry, denies it of course. Soooooo he doesnt come home often, supposedly is working at other house, BUT nothing is finished considering the length of time over there, and then this little chicago incident happens. Our relationship is crappy to say the least. Its like roommates with no benefits. He says he does not want a divorce ( he always says that) and that he is going to try and be more affectionate ( always says that) yet in all these years nothing changes.

He always asks about my work schedule, so he knows when and where I am going to be. He supposedly is always at the house working or going to this store or that store to get supplies..

Please dont tell me to leave his dumb butt as I would be on the losing end. He owns 5 homes, 3 are rented out, the one we live in, and the other one we used to live in that we will put for sale IF he ever finishes it. I went to school and have a job as a realtor that is so/so. takes time to build clients so its not something I can live off of and pay my bills every month.

Im just so tempted to stop informing him of all my moves and maybe start doing some drive bys at the old house and see what is really going on. I can not shake the feeling that he has a bimbo on the side. He has just changed for the worse as far as his affection/attitude towards me soooo that how he usually was when I ve caught him before..



Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
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Do you get any UA time at all? If you do, how much and what do you do?

Do you use POJA?

Complaining is good in a marriage as long it's done correctly. How do you complain?

Have you read this?
When to Call it Quits

What snooping techniques do you have in place? Can you hire a PI? You need to figure out what is going on so you can figure out what plan to follow.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Nochanges, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am surprised you have been here so long and have not used this program in any sense. Your lifestyles don't support a marriage so it is not surprising it is so bad. In order to have a successful, happy marriage, you need to spend every night together and create a romantic, integrated marriage.. It sounds to me like he leads a completely secret second life while living in your other place.

I would stop asking him if he is having an affair and hire a PI to tail him. A good PI can get all the goods in a couple of days.

Quote
Please dont tell me to leave his dumb butt as I would be on the losing end. He owns 5 homes, 3 are rented out, the one we live in, and the other one we used to live in that we will put for sale IF he ever finishes it. I went to school and have a job as a realtor that is so/so. takes time to build clients so its not something I can live off of and pay my bills every month.

He has already left you, though, so this is a moot point.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is a great article about how Dr. Harley approaches marriages: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Nochanges, I went back and read your first thread and it looks like this is not his first affair. The reason you are here again is because your marriage was never affair proofed after the first affair. It is very likely he has been having affairs over your entire marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please listen to the clips in here.
Serial Cheaters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Did you ever listen to these clips?

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Since you've been here on and off for over 10 years, but have never followed the program. Start a new thread every year with the same complaints and then don't answer our posts.

Why don't you email Dr Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2004
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I'm sorry had to go show some houses this morning..I have tried to have him do the questionaires a while back. He refused to do them.

I have tried the POJA and everytime seems like he feels its all my fault. Never can compromise and stick to a plan for long.

I guess you guys are right, he is never here by his choice as apparently it doesnt take 14 months to do what was needed in the house. So its a lost cause. I can try all the techniques here, and I have tried some, but its all 1 sided. He wont try.

" He has already left you, though, so this is a moot point." I guess thats right. and Im sorry to offend the poster that suggested I start a new thread every year frown This cant be done alone, if the other spouse wont join or cooperate in the process..

Thanks for letting me vent



Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
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Originally Posted by Nochanges
Thanks for letting me vent
Venting to a bunch of anonymous strangers on the Internet accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Your situation is far from unique. Most people who come to MB for help have a reluctant spouse. That is normal. You can take charge of your own life and achieve a better outcome for yourself - either by turning your marriage around or by liberating yourself from this abysmal situation. Or you can complain to strangers and wallow in self pity. It is all up to you.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by Nochanges
Thanks for letting me vent
Venting to a bunch of anonymous strangers on the Internet accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Your situation is far from unique. Most people who come to MB for help have a reluctant spouse. That is normal. You can take charge of your own life and achieve a better outcome for yourself - either by turning your marriage around or by liberating yourself from this abysmal situation. Or you can complain to strangers and wallow in self pity. It is all up to you.

Not trying to wallow in self pity, how do u turn a marriage around when one persons refuses to do anything to change , cooperate etc?


Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
Joined: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by Nochanges
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by Nochanges
Thanks for letting me vent
Venting to a bunch of anonymous strangers on the Internet accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Your situation is far from unique. Most people who come to MB for help have a reluctant spouse. That is normal. You can take charge of your own life and achieve a better outcome for yourself - either by turning your marriage around or by liberating yourself from this abysmal situation. Or you can complain to strangers and wallow in self pity. It is all up to you.

Not trying to wallow in self pity, how do u turn a marriage around when one persons refuses to do anything to change , cooperate etc?

1st and this is a Biggie in your case, is to find proof if there is or is not an affair going on.

It certainly seems like all of the Red Flags are there to indicate that there is one going on.

But, Do NOT confront him with anything you discover. You already have him on alert and hiding things just from your seemingly subtle questions that you have already asked him.

Are you going to do whatever it takes to find out the truth?

LTL

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Originally Posted by Nochanges
" He has already left you, though, so this is a moot point." I guess thats right. and Im sorry to offend the poster that suggested I start a new thread every year frown This cant be done alone, if the other spouse wont join or cooperate in the process..

Thanks for letting me vent

But venting does not solve problems. Why would your husband change when he knows you will do nothing about it and are not serious? I am assuming you agreed to live apart from your husband and have gone along with other destructive ideas, so I view you as a huge part of the problem.

Why would he take marriage recovery serious when you are not serious yourself?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
Originally Posted by Nochanges
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by Nochanges
Thanks for letting me vent
Venting to a bunch of anonymous strangers on the Internet accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Your situation is far from unique. Most people who come to MB for help have a reluctant spouse. That is normal. You can take charge of your own life and achieve a better outcome for yourself - either by turning your marriage around or by liberating yourself from this abysmal situation. Or you can complain to strangers and wallow in self pity. It is all up to you.

Not trying to wallow in self pity, how do u turn a marriage around when one persons refuses to do anything to change , cooperate etc?

1st and this is a Biggie in your case, is to find proof if there is or is not an affair going on.

It certainly seems like all of the Red Flags are there to indicate that there is one going on.

But, Do NOT confront him with anything you discover. You already have him on alert and hiding things just from your seemingly subtle questions that you have already asked him.

Are you going to do whatever it takes to find out the truth?

LTL
What spyware are you going to put in place?

Can you afford a PI?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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For example, you know your husband has a history of cheating yet you agree to his moving out? How did you expect to maintain a marriage under those conditions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
For example, you know your husband has a history of cheating yet you agree to his moving out? How did you expect to have a marriage under those conditions?
And in addition to this you ignore all of our questions about snooping when he has a history of affairs.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you been checked for STDs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi!

I know it might be really scary- but you need to go talk to a lawyer.

No decisions have to be made but they can let you know what the reality of your situation would look like if you divorced him.

What if you got huge settlements- houses- you just don't know. Go have an informative meeting just for your sanity sake. It will help you!

Last edited by Elaina7; 12/28/14 04:35 AM.

BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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LTL [/quote]
What spyware are you going to put in place?

Can you afford a PI? [/quote]


I don't have any spy ware in place. When I get a chance I check his phone, and have found nothing, I did figure his password for his online phone service, and I have checked it. Found no phones that were called repeatedly or often enough to make me concerned.


Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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Its not like we said OK we are going to separate. He was going to go over there to work after the tenants moved out so we could get the house on the market. ITs over an hour drive and he has a big V8 Truck so he stayed the week and would come home on weekends at first. Now he doesnt come home every weekend, maybe 1 day sometimes.

Ive been sick for 5 weeks, was sent to the ER and found I have several herniated discs and they are crushing my sciatic nerve, so alot of pain and, cant bend, cant sleep well, on multiple meds. He did come home to go to the Spine Surgeon with me, and then left again. He says their is nothing he can do to help me with the pain, so thats why he doesnt stay


Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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