Hi all, it's been two weeks since my husband dropped the bomb on me.

1. He's very unhappy with our marriage.
2. He's not attractive to me.
3. He's not in love with me.

Since then, I've been reading every material I can get my hands on. I asked my husband to give me 30 days before deciding if you wants to leave and I told him I will win him back (we have 3 kids, married 11.5 years).

The first week, we went over the love busters and His Needs/Her Needs book. I am working hard to eliminate the Love Buster's he pointed out. I am also working hard to meeting His Needs (sex). We've been working on our sex life (having sex nightly). After reviewing these items, he told me he doesn't have a lot of complaints, and he wants the passion to return.

Just to add in more: He's currently works full time (teacher), has applied for a job as assistant principal (waiting to hear from that), and is working on his second Master's Degree. After D-Day, I've agreed to take on the budget and paying the bills b/c I know this is a major stress factor for him. He is frustrated at work too.

It's so hard. He seems so withdrawn. Yesterday was a good day, we went on a date, and he was charming, opening the door for me. Today, he's so withdrawn. He barely has talked. He wouldn't return my hug when I gave him one. I'm trying so hard to be positive and to give him the space he needs.

I need advice.

1. Am I doing the right thing by respecting his need to space? (He did tell me there are times he just can't stand me touching him and feels smothered and then there are times he just loves it).

2. Is this rollercoaster of emotions natural? Do we take one step forward and two steps back?


Thank you for your help!

Hi hopefulwife, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Did he tell you something along the lines of "I love you but am not in love with you?"

No, I get he cares for me, he doesn't want to hurt me but he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for some time.

It is very likely that he is having an affair. I am so sorry. All of the things he is saying are classic signs of an affair. The affairee rewrites the history of his marriage because he has a new point of comparison. It is like a heroin addict who sees his life from a new point of view and nothing can compete with the heroin high.

If you will quietly snoop on him - don't ASK if he is having an affair - I predict you will find evidence of an affair. If you come back here after you have this evidence, we can help you save your marriage.

I know there has been an emotional affair in the past. He has sworn there is nothing physical.

I've snooped on his phone and found deleted messages but can only see what is deleted, not the content.

I've been on our finances and see no evidence of unusual records.

He's a teacher and keeps teacher hours, always leaving and returning home in time. I also checked his sick hours to make sure there is no unexplainable unused time.

What else do I do?

An emotional affair is an affair. And the "sworn statements" of a cheater are meaningless.


People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You can recover his deleted texts with this app: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2826224#Post2826224

i would also slip some spyware on his phone. Eblaster will send you the content of his texts, phone logs.

If he has an iPhone, you can go into his settings and get his GPS coordinates. Here is a thread with many spy resources: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187


The affair is probably with a coworker or student then. People have affairs in the workplace every day.

Get the evidence and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

He just walked out the door. After discussing options for our future - he doesn't know if he can love me anymore and is torn as to whether he wants to try to love me or wants to walk away from our family.

I know this is so upsetting for you, but you have a good chance of saving your marriage if you focus on getting the evidence of his affair. The REAL REASON he wants to leave is because of his affair. If you get the evidence of the affair, there is a high likelihood you can kill the affair. If you can kill the affair, you can save your marriage.

He is "torn" about whether he loves you or not because there is a new point of comparison. You are competing with the high of an addictive affair. Kill the affair and the fantasy will burst.

Can you hire a PI?

He revealed something to me before he left and it hit me around 2am...

porn addiction

That is his secret. He told me he's addicted to porn.

My H revealed to me last night he's a porn addict. After researching this, it makes sense everything he has told me. His inability to feel love, his lack of sexual interest, etc. He has explained it as his unhappiness, but it looks like the problem is much deeper than that. This addiction is as serious as alcohol/drugs.

Anybody else have experience with this?

No. Porn addict men do not leave their wife and children for a computer image. They enjoy their addiction while not having to worry about financial stress of two homes.

You need to realize that he is having an AFFAIR and for heavens sake, quit believing his lies! There is a REAL woman behind this. Maybe he met her online or continues it online, but men do not abandon families for websites.

Please keep all your posts in one thread

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

All this has happened because you insist he move home and give up his SSL.

Porn addiction as the cause for leaving you is not believable. You can hide that within the marital home. He doesn't need multiple houses for porn addiction but for multiple mistresses. You don't hurriedly evict your son due to porn but for another harem member.

He is just playing for time and tossing out red herrings.

Affairs are addictions too.

Same symptoms. Except for the fact porn addicts stay home and don't leave.

He has decided he wants to leave b/c we have no passion, he wants to be able to do as he pleases, flirt with women, have occasional sexual flings.

I have a keylogger on the computer to track what he does.

As long as you believe what this liar says, you can't fight where it hurts. You need to find out who these REAL women are.

Men with "only" porn addiction or desire to have "flings" are not going to shell out child support x3 and finance a divorce. They keep a wife to clean, cook, and care for kids. They maintain secrets. Men who leave are going elsewhere.