No I have not been checked. Havent had sex in a very long time. I have no symptoms of anything

Brainhurts, I am not ignoring your questions , but I am not at the computer all day so takes me a bit sometimes to answer.

_______ Affection ( very little from H)

_______ Sexual Fulfillment (none from H)

_______ Admiration( Very little, mainly get it when I talk about an achievement at work. He says "good for you")

_______ Intimate Conversation ( none from H)

_______ Selfish Demands( not many since his Mom passed away and his father is in a NH)

_______ Recreational Companionship( Very little)

_______ Honesty and Openness( I try to be open with H, him, not so much. Not a talker at all . If I ask questions he takes everything as "nagging")

_______ Angry Outbursts( Occasionally on both sides)
_______ Physical Attractiveness ( I feel he does not have a physical attraction towards me, I have lost some for him and he is aware of what I like in a man, but refuses to change his lack of grooming)

_______ Dishonesty ( i feel he hides things from me until he explodes and throws things in my face. He is not open about his bank accts, credit cards etc, but I have never asked him to give me the passwords and such)

_______ Financial Support ( he pays most of the house bills, I pay my own personal bills, and the cable/internet, all the car insurance and I buy all the groceries)
_______ Annoying Habits ( Im sure we both have them)

_______ Domestic Support( no help from H with help around the house)

_______ Independent Behavior ( he is very independent, rarely asks for my help unless its a medical issue or legal issue with his Father)

As for snooping, I am going to cut back on answering his questions regarding my daily schedule. He usually knows where I am showing houses and when I have to go into the office etc.

I am going to check his online cell phone acct to see if there are any strange or repeated ## he calls ( so far nothing stands out)

I am going to do random drive bys at the old house, all the while telling him I am somewhere else showing houses so he feels "comfortable" knowing I am over 1 1/2 hrs away.

He told me yesterday he would come home today if I didnt have any scheduled. I told him i was clear the whole day..This morning I called to say Good morning and asked if he knew what time he would be coming home, he said he didnt know yet. I didnt push the issue..do not want to "nag" him .

So in my opinion, I am starting again with some plan in place and see what I can find out. I think that should be my 1st way to go, IF he is having a lil bimbo action on the side, I need proof. If he isn't then he is just clueless and really does not have the inclination to try and work on a relationship. Prior to meeting me, he had 1 failed marriage, and numerous long and short term relationships. None according to him last more than a year or 2. I speak to his ex wife on occasion online. she says he was mentally abusive to her, their sex life was good, but he would leave to be on the road for weeks or months at a time, she said he cheated on her with some bimbo at a bar, he was an absent father to his now 23 yr old son. and although I think his first wife was no prize, he wasnt either. He was a heavy drinker and used drugs then while he was with her.

What spyware are you going to put in place?

Can you afford a PI? [/quote]


I don't have any spy ware in place. When I get a chance I check his phone, and have found nothing, I did figure his password for his online phone service, and I have checked it. Found no phones that were called repeatedly or often enough to make me concerned. [/quote]

Even the dumbest wayward knows how to buy a burner phone at Walmart. I wouldn't expect you to find anything on his regular phone.

He has the perfect setup for a serial cheater: a separate residence from you. Being separated from you is the ideal lifestyle for a cheater.

I don't have any spy ware in place. When I get a chance I check his phone, and have found nothing, I did figure his password for his online phone service, and I have checked it. Found no phones that were called repeatedly or often enough to make me concerned. [/quote]

Even the dumbest wayward knows how to buy a burner phone at Walmart. I wouldn't expect you to find anything on his regular phone. [/quote]

Spyware like to install on his phone? He has Boost Mobile, and yes he IS dumbest wayward (sorry) he would not buy an extra phone for his flirting. Never had before and it was hell just to get him to switch from his old flip phone to an Iphone. He just learned how to text, send pics etc on the smart phone.

I have no idea how much a PI would cost. I do have a friend that lives not too far from old house. I think she can be trusted to do drive bys and keep an eye out for me ( she was in a live -in situation to one of H cousins for over 15 yrs then he cheated on her and left her. I always liked her and have stayed in touch with her, I even sold her a new home last year..so I think she would be willing to help me. She knows everything I went thru with caring for inlaws etc for 4-5 years.

He has the perfect setup for a serial cheater: a separate residence from you. Being separated from you is the ideal lifestyle for a cheater.

What can I do about that? he has to finish that house so we can put it on the market? Other than me doing drive bys or pack a few things and show up unannounced to spend the night random times?

Don't know what else to do. He will not stay here and go back and forth on a daily basis, he says the gas will kill him. That is why he stayed over there in the beginning

What you can do about it is stop it. Tell him it was a bad idea that you should have never agreed to. Showing up and driving by does not mitigate the damage. In order to have a marriage, you have to live together. How ridiculous to sacrifice your marriage over a house remodel. All you are saying here is that a rental house comes before your marriage. WE CAN SEE THE RESULT.

I have a feeling he will refuse to move home anyway, because being separated sustains his cheating lifestyle.

Anything that comes BEFORE your marriage will eventually come between it. But you already know that.

He is on his way home , or thats what he said at 10;30 when he called me. I never thought it would take him 14 months to do the work over there. And when I have mentioned what is left to do etc, he always gets upset, tells me I am nagging him etc. I guess you are right always an excuse to stay away. Financially he NEEDS to finish the house and get rid of it. The taxes and insurance are outrageous, and its no skin off my back, since he pays for it, but I thought i was being supportive and trying to get him to finish it , so some financial burden is off him.. I didnt take it as "putting the rental house" before my marriage.

He is either drag assing or as you say taking the advantage to cheat. I will talk to him today and tell him I want and need him here with me. Physically I need help right now anyways, and emotionally I am tired of being alone and coming home to an empty house day after day ..
I think this is not going to go over well though.

It is extremely disrespectful of him to dismiss your complaints as "nagging." How does he propose that you convey your complaints? Or are you just supposed to shut up ?

A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage.

I suspect your husband has had numerous affairs throughout your marriage and has always led a secret second life. Would he pass a polygraph? I seriously doubt it.

If I were you, I would ask him to take a polygraph test and if he passes it, move home. I would also strongly urge you to get STD testing before you ever sleep with him.

If he will do all that, the next step would be to affair proof your marriage and go through the marriage builders program. If he won't do all that, there is nothing here to save.

However, I doubt he will do anything to help your marriage. Hope I am wrong, but I doubt it,

Did you read this?

Ten years ago, you were in a predicament where your husband was having an affair with a married woman and you did not want to leave your husband, because you felt your 13-year-old son would suffer. Your son is now an adult and has his own life.

Please think your options through and follow a PLAN, as Melodylane specified. At this point you are only reacting to what your husband does. Start planning and act. Do not talk to your husband and tell him everything you suspect. This will get you nowhere. Talk to a lawyer first. Of course you may tell your husband that this situation is not working, but as you are fighting about his ridiculous behaviour, you should take care not to show all of your cards.

Also, let him call the police. Can he prove that your son has a set of keys? He might as well be charged with pressing false charges.

Snoop and find out the truth and what your rights are. This has to stop. He should either change majorly, or there is nothing to save.

Melody; as i expected and absolute NO, am i crazy? to a polygraph. He has said over and over he is not having an affair or goofing around with anyone. He said he is tired of telling me the same thing over and over again.

Ten years ago, you were in a predicament where your husband was having an affair with a married woman and you did not want to leave your husband, because you felt your 13-year-old son would suffer. Your son is now an adult and has his own life.

With everything that has happened in the past, neither one of my sons like H. My oldest is more calm and can be a little more diplomatic, The youngest one is not. He can't stand my H and my H has said he hates the F---Face ( his new name for my son) Right now their opinions do not influence me, as they do have their own lives

Please think your options through and follow a PLAN, as Melodylane specified. At this point you are only reacting to what your husband does. Start planning and act. Do not talk to your husband and tell him everything you suspect. This will get you nowhere. Talk to a lawyer first. Of course you may tell your husband that this situation is not working, but as you are fighting about his ridiculous behaviour, you should take care not to show all of your cards.

Also, let him call the police. Can he prove that your son has a set of keys? He might as well be charged with pressing false charges.

Snoop and find out the truth and what your rights are. This has to stop. He should either change majorly, or there is nothing to save. [/quote]


We talked some. He didnt call the police and I told him he has to stop doing this behind my back. I will take care of getting any keys back from son & GF.

I told him what I needed and wanted him to do. I didnt threathen him with divorce or leaving. (that doesnt work with him and he shuts down)

I told him the house remodeling is BS, its been too long and I want it done and I want him back home. He argued the gas situation with his truck. I agreed to give him 2 weeks to finish and come home. He agreed to start staying off his laptop and work a good 7-8 hrs over there to get it done.

Regarding the no sex, I told him this was a major issue with me. I needed to have intimate time with him, I needed for him to show me affection. He states he has "no desire at all" he just doesnt want sex. and he was specific to say "not you, not anyone" I told him that at his age he needed to go to our DR and get checked out. I plan on asking the DR to check for STD's also.

he says he will work on talking more with me, and will try to be more affectionate. I went to bed after the pain pills and told him I wanted him to come to bed instead of staying up till 1 or 2am as he usually does. He came to bed a few minutes after I went to bed. NO sex, But he did put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a peck kiss before i went to sleep.

I am going to try this plan for 2 weeks. I will not tell him my schedule, as I plan on keeping tabs on him without him knowing. I plan on stashing my commission checks and paying off my credit cards as best I can. I will talk to a lawyer about what my options are if I file for divorce. I will not "nag" and will try to be pleasant and upbeat with him. But i made it clear that talking out a problem or resentment is better than holding it in and then exploding when he gets angry. I told him everything that I had been put thru taking care of HIS family for years, and he needs to stop throwing things in my face and let the past be in the past and we need to start fresh. He agreed to stop bringing up the past and throwing things in my face...

There is NO comparision to what I have done and been put thru with your family for 6 years, and although I appreciate that YOU offered my son low rent till he got back on his feet, i do not want that thrown back at me . I did point out to him alot of the situations with his family and I stood by his side..I expect the same from him.

I know now that he is using weed again..says he does it to try and sleep. He never does it in front of me. But i saw his little stash on his TV table..

I am going to take it one day at a time BUT i am not giving him endless time frame to get on the bandwagon and work on the relationship. Small steps must be taken and he has to follow thru or its not going to work . He has agreed. I am not falling back into letting things get better for a few days and then back to same old..

I have to get my financial situation better so if I do leave, I am not going to fall on my face.

In your shoes I would see a lawyer and file for divorce.

He doesn't sleep with you, is abusive, lives away from you and won't even visit with you when you are ill.

He's left you. The only reason he hasn't divorced you is because you'd be entitled to his property in a settlement!

Knowing this, he's probably been running up debts on them. Drugs and hos aren't cheap.

When was the last time you saw any financial documentation or his bank statements?

Access them now if you can. Try snooping for paperwork or guessing passwords. A divorce lawyer can order they be presented if not.

It always makes me groan when married people refer to their finances as separate. You say *he* pays the bills but that's your money! You also say *he* owns property, but you are one marital unit in law.

It's how my exhusband used to play it. If you have a SSL you need to have secretive finances, which means defrauding your wife usually. They do talk a good talk about how financially responsible they are though.

While you've been buying groceries, it's likely he has been spending bill money on weed.

I'd be stunned if a serial cheater was financially responsible. Tying yourself to this man for financial security is like hiring a drunk as a chauffeur.

There is your answer. A polygraph would clear his name and PROVE his point yet he won't take it. The reason is because he is guilty.