MY question is it worth trying to change things. She told me she couldnt commit to not messaging OM. He meets her emotional needs where I havent and she feels that things cant change. I have had a couple of affairs myself that I greatly regret. This is her second Affair with the same guy. I tried to convince her that we have so much and that we should go to counsilling and see if we can save our marriage and make it healthy. She feels that Im forcing her to go and that she just wants things to be over she tired of this. Im at a loss I dont know what to do. I know that I havent been the best husband and have made a bunch of empty promises in the past. I am commited to making the changes I need to so that I can meet her needs. Should I make the appointment and just tell her I made it and if she comes that would be great if she doesnt that I understand? Or should I just give up because it takes two people to save the marriage and she says she has nothing to give? I have just ordered a few books from the this site to help me to try and understand her needs and how to fulfill them. I feel so confused because she will say something and then something else that contridicts what she just said. PLEASE HELP

Can you give us more background?

1. are you married?

2. did your relationship start as an affair?

3. how long married?

4. any children?

5. what is the background on your affairs? Are you still in touch with these women?

Yes, of course it's worth trying to change things.

Please tell us about your marriage (how long? Children/ Ages of you and your children?). Please tell us about your "couple of affairs" and more about this one.

Who were yours with? Old girlfriends? How did you meet up with them - e.g., were you travelling for work? How did the affairs end? Do you have any contact with either women? Did your wife appear to recover from those affairs of yours?

The same questions apply to your wife's affair: how did it end last time? Did she make physical contact with this man, or was it internet based? Have you exposed the affair to his wife?

This program is about real change. Not about temporal change to lure your wife back and then revert to past destructive and selfish behaviours.

Yes Married. No it didnt start from an affair. we have been together for 15 years married for 12. We have three childern. I had two affairs One was 9 years ago and the over was 4 years ago. No contact with these other women since affairs ended These affairs started in the work place We dont live by either of these women. My wife started this affair last year sometime around May he use to be our neighbor when we lived in AR. It started by messaging. Then they met at a hotel and met one other time before she decided she was going to move out in Oct. We still seen each other and where physically intimate during this time. I had a feeling it was going on but didnt say anything till I found proof. We went to one session of marriage counsolling in Jan then I told her I need her to choose between. then she told me she couldnt and didnt want to be with me anymore. So at that point I gave up and started to see someone else. Well after that happened all of a sudden she was all over me about us being married and wanting to get back together. so we got back together. well this OW lived another and has a child of mine from when I was a kid before me and my wife got together. Well I was in the area of that town for sporting event of my son. And that is when she started to message this man again He doesnt live in the area as well he lives 3 hrs away. I was wrong for putting myself in that kind of sitution and not talking to my wife about how it would make her feel or what she thought about it. I did ask if she wanted to go both times we went there and she said no.

first affair ended a few months after we had our 3rd child. I was a [censored] and didnt even stay at the hospital after she had our beuatiful daughter. I ended things with this women over the phone. I dont think she ever full recovered from it because it was so tramatic especialy since it was during the birth of our daughter. The second affair happened and she asked about it and I denied it for awhile. but she found out and I did end it as well over the phone. My wifes first affair ended over messaging

Your post is so crammed together that it is difficult to make sense of. For example, the timeline is not clear.

Did all this happen more than a year ago? Have you been separated for several months?

What a sordid mess. How would it be in your wife's best interest to save a marriage with a serial cheater?

That I know. I want real change in our marriage. After my affairs I wasnt fully commited to doing what it takes to change and the hard work of change. That is my fault. I didnt fully realize the pain that I caused and just went through the motions just enough to get by. I fully realize now the impact of my action and inaction. The devastation I caused in our marriage and in my wife hurt. I was selfish.

Are you posting on another site, or have you posted here before? Your story seems familiar.

How did contact end completely if they worked at the same place as you? Do they still work there?

sorry

My first affair was 9 years ago

second was 4 years ago


my wifes first affair was last year around May
we seperated in OCT last year

I knew she has having it but didnt say anything I did questioned things and they didnt seem right.
We still seen eachother and hungout during seperation and were initmate on occasion.
Last Dec I found proof that it was happening and freaked out.
we went to one counsiling sesion in jan of this year. About a week later.
I asked her to choose between OM and me she told me she couldnt be with me. And that she didnt want to be with me anymore.

Up until this point I still had hope that maybe things would work out. After this though I was devasted. And then I decided I should start dating like an idiot. So I actual started to see a women that I had dated in High school and that I had a child with from back in high school. So we had had some contact in the past very little just about our daughter.

Well after my wife found out about this all of a sudden I was cheating on her and that wasnt okay because we were married the same stuff I had just been saying for the last several months. Then all of a sudden she wanted to get back together and work things out. So we both ended things with OP in Feb of this year and got back together.

Well my son plays sports and we plays in a traveling league that travels to the same area as this women that I dated. I asked my wife what she thought about it and it seemed fine. I made the mistake of not taking into consideration how it would actually make her feel if I went.
Since I realized the impact it had on her feelings I have made other arrangements for my son to go and play where I would not be in the same area.

That is when she opened contact back up with OM

We are living together again and have since April of this year

I quit my jobs There and we moved out of the area.

Your right it doesnt appear that would be in her best interest at all. The only thing I can say to that is that since my wife affairs I can fully understand the impact and where I fell short in the past to try and ensure nothing like this would happen again. I didnt do the work.

No first time.

I know that I havent been a good husband. With what has happened in the past and my inaction to fix what was broken.
Which I am very ashamed of.

I am willing to do the hard work and fix what is broken.

I guess Im asking is it hopeless at this point?

Should I make an appointment and just tell her about and not pressure her to go?

Read the book I ordered and start implementing it and see what happens?

Or are things to far gone at this point?

NOOOO. Don't make an appointment for her to go to regular counselling.

Instead, book an appointment with Dr Harley's son, Steve Harley, who runs the Marriage Builders telephone coaching service. There is a link to the Coaching Centre in the red area at the top of every page here.

If, by the time of your telephone call, you can persuade your wife to talk to Steve, he will split the call 50/50 with her. (He will not talk to both of you together, because that leads to arguments and fighting - something that also happens in traditional counselling sessions, rendering them useless.) If she won't talk to him then, he will coach you on how to work on restoring the marriage, and on what to say to her that might persuade her to talk to him next time.

The phone calls are expensive (I believe something like $200 for the hour) but the goal is to coach you into action to restore your marriage, so that you will only need a few sessions and will not need to make an open-ended commitment, as you do with traditional counselling.

So you feel that making the marriage counselling appointment is a bad idea?
I was going to set it up for both of us and if she wanted to come she could.
That is really high for the phone call session.

I don't have time to explain all the reasons just now, but I bumped a thread for you. It's called "Beware of bad counsellors". Please read it from beginning to end, and read all the links that are embedded in it, then come back here and talk.

We've seen some terrible fall outs from regular marriage counselling.

Yours for example didn't tell you how to avoid resumption of the affairs. It would have been easy to avoid!

I would go for Steve Harley. Sometimes we can coach people on here (I've benefited from this program but never paid a penny!) but in your case it seems like such a mess I would go all out.

The one thing in your favour is that a man who carries on with a married woman is a loser and affairs generally die a natural death.

However if you are going to have your own affairs, it's pointless. As you know yourself, the guilty are not immune to the pain.


Exposure tends to speed things up. Who knows about your affairs and who knows about your wife's? Exposing OM will be effective as they are usually only after easy fun and don't stay if there is a protective husband making life difficult.

You really missed a trick by choosing revenge affair instead of fighting for her and running off OM.

A cheeseball adulterer can't compete with a serious as it gets husband. Are you ready to fit that description?