You don't have the luxury of being able to afford a temper at the moment. You need to be in control.

As someone who had an 'Irish temper' before being faced with a similar need to grow out of tantrums, I can assure you it can be done.

Cool, calm and vague is way scarier anyway.

You must not become a betrayed wife cliche at this juncture.

Tempers are for fools who don't know their next move. You do.

He came home last night after I called and told him I knew everything..

He spilled his guts thinking I had hired a PI to watch him. The trip to Home depot was BS ( Of course I know this) it was a drug buying trip.. His story; when he went over to the other house to start working, he hired this guy that has done work for him in the past, well the guy uses a crew, good workers as they finish a house in a day, BUT most are either alcoholics or druggies..
So they apparently become friends etc..ends up he is back to using cocaine. has been going on for a while and he says, its getting worse, as he needs more and more to get the same "buzz" I have no freakin idea since I have never done drugs..he shows genuine remorse, says he didnt think he would fall back into that..explains why there is very little done over there work finished. Apparently its the party house, he says not every night but quite often.

he says he buys sometimes, sometimes they do. But he says he has gone thru quite a bit of $$$ pulling it from his investments etc. OMG my mind is a mess, I just cant imagine all this..he volunteered his phone, several 'weird' coded phone contacts, with initials only..i wrote all ## down.
He said he would show me the debits when he took money out of accounts for the drugs. He explained that one night the one buddy was over there doing cocaine, and didnt have money to recharge his phone so called that escort from H phone, H swears he did not hire any escort..he swears he has not cheated. its been the cocaine, and says that when you do alot of cocaine, you can't get a hard on or sometimes cant even keep one (Sorry if TMI)

His disregard for being here with me was the pull of cocaine was stronger, he says that when you are on drugs, you dont care about other people or things, its all about the next high..

explains why he would come home for 1 spine surgeon appt and then run back over there, same as when I went to the ER for pain, he met me at the ER, went and got my meds and then took off again

After going thru some paperwork here, i find that none of the utlities are being paid in the other 3 houses . he is 2 month behind on that..He admits that he has let everything slide due to the drug and he knows he has to get it under control. Taxes arent paid either. He cant remember how much $$ he has blown, but says its $400-$500 a night when they "party" which apparently is often at least 2-3 times a week!!!! Last time he did it was Monday, when he was here while I went to therapy and then took off around 2pm to go over to the house.

He says he doesnt know what he wants to do, he doesnt want to be fighting with me all the time as we have been doing..of course I told him maybe its related to his drug use, all the freakin fighting, change in attitude etc etc . BUt he wants to stay separated and say "we did it before" and got back together."

He says not to hire a lawyer, we will split everything 50/50 if thats what I want. when asked what does he want? Total commit to change and therapy etc for marriage repair possibly? He said he doesnt know what he wants.

So now i am overwhelmed, pissed, crushed, disappointed , I dont even know anymore. I have no one to talk to and confide in here..

He said he is going to stay away from this guy and get the house down ( when we first met he was using drugs & alcohol) and he did stop and stayed clean all these years..so he says he can do it again. AFter the house is done he will sell it. he has no plans further than that at the moment. He will not move to one of his vacant rentals, as it is in the town where all these 'druggie" guys live and he says he has to stay away from there..

i can stay here in this house and he will pay the bills ( he has kept up on the bills on this house, I checked)

I need to talk to a counselor or someone. I am going to call places and see if someone around here has a 24 hr help line..I know I should just kick his [censored] to the curb BUT I need some help here too..someone to talk to , all I want to do is break down and cry, so overwhelmed and so freakin alone!!!!

Although this is out of the question , I asked him point blank if he would get tested for STD's and he promptly said yes he would, he has not cheated . Not that with everything else this is major,

Have you asked him to go into rehab, take a lie detector test and become 100% transparant? He may just have told you a small part of the story. I would be very surprised if there is not more to it.
Just all guys using 500 per night cocaine in a pary house with no women? And someone else used his phone to call an escort? I sure could have come up with a better story than that.

Please remember that all waywards tell lies.
"It was only once", "we just kissed". "you caught me the very first time I called a prostitute" falls in the same category. Even so, he is partying with people who call escorts on his phone and is getting no part of the action?

Just think about it, do you really want to save this mess? A wayward, drug addicted, lying, absent husband. You could have a happy and peaceful life without him. Just saying.

You should
1. get your hands on bank statements
2. call a lawyer to protect assets

Start acting and not reacting to his incredible mess.

And to be willing to get tested for STD's is nothing to me. These are just more words. Also, he might be thinking that as he has always used a condom with the prostitutes, he is safe.

i got an itemized of the call. it was a 1 minute call..I know it still does not change the fact that either H did or his lil buddy called.

He has said that he would be honest and transparent, I can check his phone anytime and he will not delete calls ( i can verify online also even if he does not realize that I got his PW)

H Talked a bit more yesterday, said he has messed up the best thing he had in his life, and he has to cut the ties with the druggie completely. He stated (true) he went clean and sober 14 yrs ago by him self and he will do it now again, if he feels he can't, he will go to rehab.

He did not leave yesterday to go back to the house. He stayed and even asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I was calm, polite and let him do the talking. Came home after dinner and I went to bed around 10.

When he leaves today I am going to go thru his rolodex as I think he has all his acct PW on there and snoop to see what is going on.
Lets see if he leaves or not. I remember when we were first together ( dating) he was using, and was on an out of town job where the company paid for hotels. He had to share rooms with some of the other guys and he called me and talked..Said they were all in the room smoking weed and he wanted to get the hell outta there..I guess he wanted support or something. So I talked to him and he ended up getting another room by himself and I remember talking to him for hours that night on the phone.

If there is another thread to deal with this drug issue, I would appreciate someone pointing me to it so I can move there..

I called the # that is on the website for escort that appeared on H phone from back on October. I got VM..hmm OK..so about an hour later I get a text from the number asking me who is this?

I text if this is the escort service yada yada.

The other person texts back, saying What?? This is not an escort service. I am a single mom with a child...
OK..she says she has no idea what I am talking about and that she just got the phone and ## for Christmas..

OK, so If I go on line and do a search with just the number ( do not add 1) comes back with a bunch of pics, different women, different escort sites whatever..also same # comes up as a canadian escort so it seems like a number that is main and maybe hooks to others??

If I google the number and add the (1) before the area code its some chinese writing looking thing..

At this point I guess its irrelevant, it was a 1 minute call. I have contacted our cell phone company to see if I can view incoming calls. On the account activity it only shows outgoing calls

Nothing on Rolodex for his bank acct, i did find log in for his Ameritrade acct . will log in and snoop when he leaves today..or is he staying to avoid the "druggie" buddy like he said he is going to do

I am hoping to not get bashed with this post. As I have been up since 4am and have collected and calmed myself. I have been reading some posts here and guidelines and questionaires. I want to keep an open mind and explore everything.

1. I have been on here alot, have I always stuck to and applied the principles ? honestly no. I get impatient and want fast results. I lose my cool and then say things I should not have said to H.

2. Last night I applied the principles and shut my mouth, let H talk and actually finish before jumping in. I find it odd that he says he knows I am insecure, but that I have never trusted him from day 1. He also said he is insecure about himself, his looks etc. He in my opinion is attractive, not george strait kind but when he cleans up, I think he is. Lately he looks horrible, doesn;t trim beard or those damn eyebrows, clothes are always "ragged" looking and have dried pain on jeans etc..

3. In all honesty, in the past, I do feel my H is exagerrated or made up his mind about things in regards to my sons, and I have taken their side. This apparently is a BIG issue with H and he holds in his feelings of resentment until we have had a major fight then it all comes out again and again and again.

4. Last night I was sorta surprised. My ex DIL called and wanted to come over before we went to dinner so that she could get an old TV i told her she could have..I asked H if it was OK for them to come get the TV and I wanted to make sure it was ok with him ( in the past he really hasnt been very outgoing with my sons or GF's etc. and he has never liked kids so he is OK but not affectionate or very responsive to my grandkids. So he says, sure its not a problem..they come over, and he is actually civil!!! He talks to my ex DIL, shakes her BF hand, and makes funny faces at my 3 yr old grand daughter!!! I didnt say anything, but I noticed. He then asked them to sit on couch and talked for about 15 minutes!! When they were leaving he said "be careful driving, alot of nuts driving out there tonight..hmmmm

5, in the past with his lil adventures, I have never caught him renting a hotel room etc, I think alot was flirting, trying to build self esteem as a man, IDK. I did confront and actually met with the one that he was carrying on line with, the one about 10 yrs ago that lived in our town and he hired her 2 sons. She was actually very nice. Brought her grand daughter to the "meeting" . She told me that it was always online till she moved to our town with her sons and her older mother. She admits to never being alone with H while he was doing work at her house, and admitted that after meeting him in person, he really wasnt her type. She even helped set up a little "sting operation with me" and her and her mom carried it out great at a Chinese restaurant we set up..I had a keystroke logger on our puter at the time and H never contacted her again..

6.. Before this new cocaine thing happened, I look back and see that H was supportive of me going back to school, setting up an office etc . He has helped me AND my sons when he really didn't have to ( i know now he gets angry and throws in my face)

7. He has to acknowledge the hell we went thru with his parents and his family for 5-6 years when we moved here. I need to get him past comparing the stuff he has done for my kids with everything I have done for his parents. Believe me it was HELL for 5 yrs with his family issues..so if I can get him over the $$ he helped sons with and didnt get paid back vs what I did for his parents and the abuse and stress I dealt with FOR FREE, then we both need to let it be in the past and move on.

there are alot of issues here and my marriage history is long and ocmplicated. When we were having dinner a older couple came to talk to him to ask what he was wearing on his head ( he wears a doo-rage due to letting his hair long to donate to lock of love every year) he was pleasant and talkative and they started talking about FL and he says "yes, WE had a place down there and are hoping to get another one and finally move down there..

Am I ready to just start over and forget this latest mess, NO. Am i ready and willing to do a Plan A seriously and follow thru every step? Yes. Will I plan and follow thru on PLAN B to get everything lined up in case it fails, YES.
Will I secure my financial security and make sure I am protected if all fails? Yes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to rebuild, but as he's a serial cheat he will need to pass a poly, jump through every hoop, go to rehab and be under your eyes 24/7 or he will do this again.



He thinks he can quit.... Just not today.

Every addict thinks they can quit after the next hit. I'm so sorry honey.

File for divorce and freeze accounts now. If he decides to go to rehab and commit to being under your eyes every minute before the D is finalized, well great.

If that happens he'll be glad you protected the money.

Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

He hasnt talked about staying in separate homes anymore..He is still here this morning. I dont want to push it as I do not know if he is going to stay or leave..He has been calm and a bit talkative today so far. Kept TV off while we sat in living room.

Not sure what involved in "freezing accts" wll talk to attorney

This sounds like a plan of conflict avoidance. Plan A is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders. Even so, Plan A should only last 3 weeks for women. You should be prepared to go into Plan B in 3 weeks.

Have you considered going into counseling to find out why you choose to live like this?

What is sad is that you view this as progress. This is typically how conflict avoiders operate. They take meaningless crumbs and view them as signs of "hope." Keeping the TV off is not a plan, NC. Throwing you some meaningless crumbs to get you off his back is not a plan.

This is why you have been on this board for 11 years and have never made progress.

Please also listen to these clips.
Serial Cheaters

Another one.
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

I will be talking to the attorney, and yes I will have things lined up in 3 weeks..
I found a counseling place near town. i will call tomorrow and make an appt to talk to a counselor, I want to talk alone first, Not sure if I want to include him UNless he does the cocaine rehab

OK so him agreeing to be honest and open. allowing me to search his phone, emails etc and agreeing to talk calmly without being disrespectful etc, other things that we discussed today, should I take those as crumbs and not give a 3 week time to see what happens? Not being snappy, trying to understand..

Did you read the gaslighting thread?