I will e-mail Dr. Harley for additional guidance. Do you happen to have his e-mail address that you can share?

Dr Harley would not suggest a man in Plan A ask his WW to leave the marital home. It is much more difficult to Plan A from afar than it is when you are together. There is sometimes a fine line between supporting the A and Plan A, meaning you do not want to support the affair and do want to have boundaries, but you also want to show amazing care to your wife to 'win her back' and be the better option, and sometimes one can seem like a contradiction to the other. Many posters currently posting here are having to walk this line and can give you great advice on this.

Also, you can email Dr Harley himself and ask about your specific situation and how to proceed.

Great discussion! Here is my opinion on the subject:

Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.

If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.

Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.

When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.

There are successful accounts of marriages recovering after a husband kicks his wife out, but my opinion is that it is a very risky move. The affair must go so badly that she returns home because she has no other choice. In most marriages, however, women do have choices. When the affair is over, is she drawn to the husband who cared enough about her to let her stay in her own home, or the husband who threw her out on the street? The idea that by letting her stay in the home he is not acting like a man, and she will disrespect him for it, may be true for some women. But the majority would see it as an act of kindness, something they need in their marriage to a man.

I'd be happy to discuss this issue further with anyone who writes me at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

I'm currently following Plan A as defined by Dr. Harley. I really can't legally ask WW to leave, as we both jointly own the marital home. In addition, WW currently has no where to go, as OM does not currently have a stable residence for the two of them to live in. Still in the land of affair busting..

I'm currently following Plan A as defined by Dr. Harley. I really can't legally ask WW to leave, as we both jointly own the marital home. In addition, WW currently has no where to go, as OM does not currently have a stable residence for the two of them to live in. Still in the land of affair busting..

Though if WW's OM can not provide shelter for her it can hasten the death of the affair because it shows that the OM can not provide for her. My saying this is not telling you to not follow what Dr H say's but rather when you speak with Dr H when you present this to him he may come up with something different for your case. Though I would not change course without speaking to him first to hear his guidance.

It appears your wife is cake walking. You are keeping a roof over her head, keeping her in food, clothing, sundries beyond her own means. This OM is providing seeming intimate support and B*&@* S^#!(. Before she gains more momentum, it seems your going to need to indicate she'll need to leave by a certain deadline if she has not ended the affair. You can plan A from afar but you can no longer support her affair. Don't threaten, just do it.

At this point, I'm not sure how long the affair has gone on with this particular person. I suspect a couple of years, but I'm unsure at this point. The OM's background is shady (convicted felon), but it appears that he has found a way to satisfy my wife's most pressing emotional needs. He appears to be a crafty, wayward individual that does not work with my wife, but knew her in her youth. He is unbanked and owns no car or property in his name. It does not appear that he is currently married and was divorced in the past. I have tried to break up the affair by confronting my wife about it several months ago. She called the OM to call it off, but I found that they were continuing to communicate not long after that stunt. I told all of her family members and our kids about her affair in detail, as I have been gathering information about it for some time now. My kids are fully supportive of me and have been warning my wife to wake up and work things out between us, however, she seems headstrong to pursue the relationship with the OM.

Crime was theft. I have not contacted Dr. Harley to-date, but plan to as soon as I can take the time to properly craft my questions and background information.