Do NOT ever do that, you did what was best for you and your marriage even if it is not what you thought it would be.....

I got it now and realized while reading it that I've read it before. Somehow the lessons didn't sink in. I'm going to have to keep rereading it until they do!


Thank you Indiegirl.

I am NOT some bargain basement half off deal. I realize though that I am super vulnerable right now. I went to an eye exam and the guy helping me and the doctor were so nice that I felt much better. That scares me for two reasons: 1. How much abuse have I gotten used to that someone being nice gets my attention like that? and 2. I cannot get sucked in by the first nice guy.

Letting a guy a be nice = wonderful.
Letting boundaries down too fast and not doing due diligence = disaster in the making.

I think right now going slow, more than anything else, is going to help me make good decisions.


Okay. Time is limited, so all that time thinking about H is time wasted from plan Luna. No matter what happens in the future, I will be better served by taking care of myself. Right? Right.

So I definitely have some renter tendencies. I need to stop doing things I don't want to do. I worked that job this summer and I didn't want it and was miserable and it was fully in my power to have stuck by what I said originally - that I didn't want to work.

But I couldn't deal with the upset reaction of the H when I turned down work. So that, too, is something I need to work on. Ideally there wouldn't be an angry reaction, but even so, I need to be calm and have a clear idea of what makes me happy. I sacrificed way, way too much.

It's hard to see all your own mistakes.

Yes you are correct, however if we do not see them we cannot correct them, so this is a good thing really.

Sometimes life is just plain hard and if we don't care of ourselves along the way it is even harder............

Have you read buyers, renters and freeloaders yet?

One thing Dr H makes clear is that if you are the buyer with a renter or freeloader, you are going to get clobbered unless you submit to their ways of doing things. The person who cares less has most power.

I think I had some renter tendencies too. Interestingly, the true buyer will call it quits rather than get dragged into unworkable arrangements.

True commitment means having the courage to bail. An odd definition but there you go.

Like that definition of a buyer - no more sacrificing!

Ran some errands today, including getting the car checked. Everything was much easier than I thought it would be.

Few more things to do today, but not too bad.

Got rid of a box load of stuff at goodwill, including one of the few gifts H ever gave me (gave it away because I don't really want it, not just to get rid of it.) Felt freeing. I also treated myself and bought some furniture sliders so I can move my big sofas by myself and make my home comfy, instead of feeling helpless that it's a two person job and I'm single. Win for Luna!

Also read Bluebird's entire thread. You guys are great! And she did great! This place is inspiring. It is great to hear from people who improved their marriages dramatically or found new partners who treat them with much more care, or simply got away from uncaring partners. That is just what a person just starting their 'castle building' as Indie says, needs to hear.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Luna

I like to think of myself as the most selfish person on the planet.

10 years ago on a London bus, I sat in front of couple who were arguing about which stop was the closest to their destination. They were just bickering and bickering, that couple were so miserable with one another. I promised myself, in that moment, that I would never grow old with a partner that I had that kind of relationship with, I would rather be single. I was very clear that I would have either a romantic marriage or no marriage. I kept that promise to myself and always will.

Living well, that is great.

I came here to vent actually. I HATE my ex H so much!

He asked about some budgeting software account, I said I'd been using it and wanted to keep it. So he calls the company and changes the username, the part I wanted to keep, on the account without my permission.

I HATE HIM. Just move on, you awful man! Isn't it enough your school loans are paid for, I paid for the dream wedding you wanted, I paid for your to go to school while I worked in some flipping basement and then paid for two years worth of grad school applications and then, when it was all said and done, you want out (after I said I don't want to work anymore). And NOW YOU HAVE TO HAVE THIS ACCOUNT NAME?!?!?!

AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

WHY DID I MARRY THIS MAN?!

Never again, ever, EVER, will I be with someone so selfish and uncaring. I don't care if I'm single for forty years.

End vent. I have some really important writing work I need to do FOR ME. That is the best way to move forward and I'm doing it. Now.

Luna.

Got my writing done and I am super proud of myself.

Also watched a pilot for a friend and got the requested feedback to him in less than three days, while super busy.

Plan Luna,
Plan Luna,
Plan Luna!

Now for my nine hours of sleep and my awesome day tomorrow.

Didn't do so well at the sleep, but I am managing to concentrate on my stuff and let go of the yuck. If I think of it all, it is in gratitude that I now can clearly let go, guilt free. Nothing to see here, move along, as they say...

The rest of the day is going to be spent making my apartment cosy and nice for me. One step at a time.

And some fancy cheese as a treat. Trying to remember to do those fun, nice for me things *everyday* for happiness and well being! Thank you guys for helping me to realize what keeping on track means - self care, boundaries, and no sacrificing. Love it.

Hope you had a good day yesterday, I am sure it wasn't an easy day but hopefully you did some things for Luna to make it a special day.

Happy New Year and a new start!!!!

Hi SC,

Thanks for checking in. There were a few minutes of sadness, but hasn't been too bad. It helps that I'm back in the midwest visiting family and friends. And a few friends that I didn't expect to asked about me, making sure I was doing okay over the holiday (including one phone call from a girlfriend who went through nearly the same thing and was super supportive in the worst time of it.)

So despite being the first holiday post D, I feel pretty loved and hopeful.

2015 is going to be a good year. I can just feel it.

Luna

Wonderful Luna! Go, go!

Good to hear, Luna. The support of friends and family improve one's perspective and help immensely in a crisis. Hope your holidays continue to be nice. In the final analysis, you are going to get through this with your dignity and your character. Sadly, your WH won't. He is the victim of the tragedy he is authoring.

Thank you guys. It feels pretty good. I am trying to just ignore what my H is going through, and am succeeding pretty well with the exception of my dreams. I need to keep Indie's advice in mind and chase him off in the next appearance, lol!

A girlfriend I had coffee with yesterday said I looked better than I had in a year. That is a real education on how bad things can be and you don't realize it. But at least I'm on the recovery side.

I thought this morning about making some New Years goals. That used to be one of my favorite things to do (usually career/interest oriented) and I haven't done that for years! I'm actually going to have some peace and room to think about what I want. Must not ever lose that space again, even as a couple.

Setting goals for the new year is a great idea! I remember when I began recovering from my wife's departure. I went jogging one spring morning and seeing the new blossoms on the copious Flowering Pear and Flowering Plum trees in our neighborhood. Nature's first green, to borrow from Frost, furnished me with renewed hope and inspiration.

There is a future and life is still beautiful. We just have to make the right choices and have faith.

This is the year for Luna all the way!!!!!!

Haha! Thank you! Had some anxiety last night but am feeling better this am. Sleep is the miracle medicine.