Wow when it rains it pours. I just lost my job (due to economy), so financially out of options I just txt'd STBXW to let her know I'm moving back home and offered to talk on the subject (why, which is for not checking out of the marriage I want to save if possible and am willing to do everything I can, to be close to the kids, and to not lose everything financially, moving out is no longer an option financially).

Situation out of my control which lets us not lose everything financially, and gives me a chance to continue my Plan A of not doing anything to hurt her, doing everything I can to meet her needs, and being the great husband I am, while I still am. Plus I get to be there for and with my kids! I have no clue how this will go though as just my presence hurts her...especially my presence as seeing the great husband she married vs the crummy one I've been acting the past few months before she told me she was done...any words of advice?

Times like this I have no doubt there is a God behind it all. Wish me luck.

How thoughtful of you after she asked you to repeatedly leave and spare her more grief. The respect you show your wife lasts in increments of hours...maybe minutes it seems.

Your entire post is all about you...so woo hoo for your awesome self!!!

Prayers to your wife.

Instead of telling her what the situation is going to be and what is 'not an option' sit down and discuss the options and tell her you want to hear her ideas. Whatever she says (even if you think it is ludicrous) thank her for her ideas and come away calmly saying she's given you a lot to think about.

If as you say there's only one option (there's always more), then she as a reasonable person will see that too. However I think you'll be surprised.

You can tell her you would rather stay at home and try to implement the program more successfully, this time using a coach - but it is imperative this is presented as a choice! One she can say no to!

She's likely to be ticked you've spent money on the program without agreeing it with her first - then saying there's no money for you to move out, like it or lump it dear.

Respectful persuasion, ie, you can get a better job and pay more maintenance if you have a home address may work but be willing to accept a no.

You two aren't great at difficult conversations so if the tone gets even slightly abusive, take your leave and put the rest in an e-mail.


If she we're in an affair I'd say independent decisions in her best interest would be the way to go.

However in your case making independent moves without checking what your partner thinks are what got you here.

lol, loud and clear black_raven, loud and clear. Write back anytime you have more constructive comments!

Indiegirl I owe you yet another thank you. I am no good at these difficult situations so while my heart is in the right place, I see yet again how my actions are not. thanks for another viewpoint that offers a better and more mutually satisfying approach, I will take your advice.

And it's a non-issue as I brought the issue to her in peace as a simple disclosure of facts and concerns, she said she doesn't have any ideas on the issue, but wouldn't be OK with me being there, and I said OK I can agree on that. Peaceful interchange, very nice!

Well then, you have to plan A like you have never done before, eliminate the love busters and change for the better. Make 2015 the year you turned around your marriage.

You are already aware, that cutting corners is not going to do it. You must find a way to hold yourself accountable and to not fall back as you have done before. Vow to change this time and change for good, working the program.

What needs are important to her?

The place where everyone has to start is lovebusters. I'll see what evidence of love busters there is in your posts for you to work on.

Annoying habits. No more forgetting stuff. No more jokes she finds offensive.



Disrespectful Judgements - don't diagnose your spouses childhood or nature. If something bothers her, you dont diagnose why, just stop the offending action. She doesn't have an 'overly soft nature' if something bothers her. She doesn't need to be complain more assertively - any complaint should do. Dont criticise or diagnose her behaviour via her childhood - extremely annoying. You can blame your own behaviours on your own father if you wish but its more effective to take control of your own behaviours instead. Big boy pants time.

The angry outbursts are the most serious and WILL end your marriage. I was beyond alarmed to hear you say that 'she started' the last physical altercation. That's something children say!

As a grown up you need to take responsibility for your responses no matter what the provocation. For some, it's enough to just decide 'no more anger', for others its an anger management course or bio feedback device. What would help you?

Your mother in law, is she a serial cheater? Do she and your wife get along?

Its rare that such a woman has a good relationship with her daughter. I'd step back and let them annoy each other and you can step in to help your wife when necessary.

You're awesome Indiegirl and I can't thank you enough for your constructive input.

Yeah, annoying habits for sure, those are a hard one for me but I am concentrating on them and doing a good job now.

Disrespectful judgments - she's the one who brought that diagnosis of our childhoods, and is using that as one of her big reasons we should divorce because she thinks it means we cannot change our nature and be more compatible. SOrry that wasn't more clear earlier. At least she gave me some specifics of her concerns so I can work on my stuff.

Nice double standard on starting angry outbursts. I'm sure if I am the one who had started or the one who had continued to escalate, I'd have a domestic charge right now. I don't own an angry outburst for that incident, but I could have handled it better by walking away from her violent outburst or doing more to engage/defuse, instead of pushing her off of me. I haven't acted in anger towards her for a very long time, but I am not the best at responding to her angry outbursts when they happen, I need to step up there.

MiL isn't a cheater, and they do get along for the most part. She has been annoying both of us since moving in, and not leaving for months after she said she would. I'm stepped back from it all at Wife's request and I do have my eyes open for how to help or act with love in each interaction we've been having.

In the mean time I'm concentrating on maintaining the great relationship I have with the kids, understanding that's also one of Wife's needs that I am still able/permitted to meet, and I'm off to do that now!

Peace all, thanks!

Have you listened to the clips in here?
Anger Management 101

Well of course you would! Do you think there's something wrong with that?

If a spouse is faced with anger and violence then calling on legal protection is entirely right and proper.

Equally you could have could have walked away and called the police. If you didn't, then you are the one upholding the double standard.

Not at all, we talked and apologized to each other as we were both in the wrong to have a physical altercation, no matter who started, or how isolated or minor. Not something either of us wants at all

BrainHurts, thanks for that link I'll check it out!

Tell us what you think after you listen.