Have you talked to Dr. Harley about what you've said here? What does he say you should do?

I haven't discussed this particular incident because it just happened very recently. Others I have presented. He tends to take my comments and translate them to my husband, but I don't typically get a direct response from him (might have gotten one or two.) He seems to be focused primarily on POJA and UA (an example I gave on the radio program previously) but I feel like our issues are much more complicated than that. Which is why I've asked him about the coaching, so there could be more regular and personal interaction with someone, but I didn't get a response to that either. Perhaps he's just very busy because of the holidays.

I think it would be an excellent idea to sign up for the coaching, plus you would also have direct contact with Dr. Harley.

Is Remark on board with signing up?

Also, why don't email Dr. Harley and ask him what you should be doing?

On the program, Remark (he's on-board with it) asked Dr. Harley about the coaching. He said he'd "get to that later." Since then, I have point-blank asked him in an email if we should, or why he thinks we shouldn't. No response. Remark has asked as well with no response.

Aww gotcha. I'm sure he's just busy due to the Holidays. Even the radio show has been replays during the holidays. So hang on until you hear back.

The really confusing part is that he will respond to other questions in the same email, but not ones about coaching.

We can only suggest that you ask Dr Harley again, more directly. Make this the only question in the email so that it does not get lost among other questions.

Yes, please ask Dr. Harley.

I just sent him an email. Just that, nothing else.

"He makes a complaint. When I thank him and tell him I will address it, he retracts the complaint".

Does this sound like a shortened summary of what is happening?

If that summarizes your situation, I think I can see the problem although I agree with Brainy, you should take this to Dr Harley. Something about the way you respond to his complaints is causing him to retract them. You need to work out what it is that you are doing.

What happens after the complaint is that when I ask him something like "what is it you don't like" or "how would you like me to handle it differently?" and he takes a moment to answer, only then does he look beyond his own unpleasant feelings. I believe what happens is that when he experiences something unpleasant like being angry/embarrassed/disappointed/frustrated/hurt, his thought process shuts down (impulse control?) and he automatically attributes it to me, even though it might be caused by his OWN actions or have nothing to do with me. For example, years ago, he blamed me for the outcome of an event 6 months afterwards because he didn't like how things went. After a few minutes of discussion, he realized that I wasn't even party to the decision, it was all his. It had to do with a punishment for his oldest daughter (my step) that I very consciously chose to stay out of and explained to him at the time why (not MY child.) So in reality, the choice was all his, as well as the consequences, which he remembered and acknowledged only after I reminded him. But at the moment of unpleasantness, he automatically blamed me. This really is script for problems big and small. I seem to be an immediate scapegoat for every unpleasant feeling in life, even if self-inflicted.

The recent toilet incident is a current example. I told him I preferred that he called a plumber to fix it. He told me that his complying with my request made him feel like he would be "handing over his testicles to me." Nevermind that he's not a plumber but a computer programmer; that we have three other working toilets; that we could easily afford the plumber; that fixing the toilet meant the water needed to be turned off to the whole house because the shut-off to the toilet wasn't working, so failure to do the job correctly either meant an emergency call to a plumber or 3 days without water to the house. Though all these facts were available to him, he didn't seem to consider beyond his feelings of emasculation. At that point, *I* was the problem. POJA was out of the question, but deceit was not.

Why not try just thanking him for the complaint and saying you will address it? There is really no need to ask follow on questions. My sense is that he is second guessing himself when you do that but our initial reactions are usually the most honest expression of our feelings so stop there.


I think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. We all have uncomfortable feelings from time to time and the urge to blame someone else for them can be very strong. Indeed, if you drop something heavy on your toe, your brain flashes with a moment of real anger. During that moment there is a natural reflex to look for someone to blame. But that moment soon passes if you let it. Even if the person tells you at the time that you were responsible for the accident, let it go. Once you have examined the broken toe and commiserated, gently tease him about what he said. Laughter is a great healer.


Being a victim is always a choice. Decide today that you are never again going to be a victim.

LivingWell, I've been following this thread to learn from it. Can you elaborate on this last point? How would someone not "be a victim" if they are willingly letting someone blame them unfairly for things? Is it just having an attitude of indifference to the fact that the person is blaming you? Or would they clear the air later when emotions have settled? When I imagine not feeling a victim of unfair blame I also imagine myself withdrawing emotionally from the person blaming me.

One day my XH came bursting into the house to me to tell me that I had caused a terrible car-crash. When I looked puzzled (I was in the house at the time) he explained that he had been so distracted by something I had said/done that he forgot to put on the hand brake and his brand new BMW had rolled down the hill into a tree.

I just told him that I was sorry to hear his car was damaged.

Yes, blaming your spouse is a love buster so of course the effect is to cause you to withdraw emotionally but there is no need to also allow it to upset you.

The beauty of refusing to be a victim is that, if it does not work, eventually they stop trying it on. It is really easy, you just decide to not be one.

I must be missing something because I don't see this:
...in this:

I don't think I could honestly in good faith thank a partner for telling me I was the cause of a terrible car crash. But thankfully your relationship hasn't deteriorated to that point. We want to support you in keeping it from getting to that point!

It can be hard to infer tone from postings, but you sound so weary and frustrated. Which makes sense after being lovebusted so long. I want to enjoy this process, to be able to look back on these holidays as the start of some new patterns that bring your family peace and joy together. We crossposted yesterday, did you get to read that link to the Conversation is Boring article I posted?

Yes after I posted that, I wondered if that would be misleading and it was!

You are dealing with two separate issues. One is complaints from your DH and the other is feeling that you are being blamed for things.

Complaints needs to be dealt with with a quick thank you and statement that you will address the issue. Then end of subject. If you need further clarification, wait a day or two, choose a neutral moment and gently ask for clarification.

Being blamed (which is an issue you state has happened repeatedly) is entirely different. The reason I gave the car example is because it was clearly not a complaint, it was never intended as a complaint and, if it had been a complaint it would have been one that was impossible to address. It was just bs and I treated it as such. I did not even go outside, I just said I was sorry to hear his car was damaged.

Do not be a victim when you are blamed unfairly. You can complain, you can joke about it or you can ignore it but if it is not your fault, do not allow it to be your fault.

No, I was not suggesting she do that. I hope my clarification made sense for you too.

So did this approach...

... work in this situation?

My H does this. Well, except for coming back later for clarification. Oftentimes, he'll immediately apologize (vs. thank me for my complaint) and promise to address it going forward. It accomplishes his primary goal of ending the discussion quickly. However, since he has no real understanding or ownership of my complaint, he never addresses anything. I see him doing the same thing in his responses to posters on his thread.

I can't, in good faith, commit to addressing something that I have no idea what it is I'm committing to. His blaming me for things I'm not responsible for just complicates it further.