I read thru this and will go back and re-read in the morning.. I am not trying to avoid conflict. I have said what I need from him now, he agreed or said he agreed to do these things and get clean again. I am not going to go blindly for him to do whatever he wants. I have told him, I will ask him questions ( of course before I will already know the answers) I will have access to phone etc at anytime. ( I am checking online also)

I have some rules and guidelines to start off..this is a big mess I realize and I think I need to take steps, not eat the whole elephant at one time.

Ive tried to answer all the posts, I really do appreciate the advise and links..I will re-read as often as needed.

But from what I read isnt a marriage worth trying to save IF and when both finally get it thru their heads to follow a plan?? If it doesnt work , putting in 100% then thats OK. I will be ready in 3 weeks to see HUGE changes and proff/ answers to anything I ask.

How many of you think I should not do this and just kick him out now and be done?

We can't make the decision for you, sorry. But if he isn't willing to live his life with extraordinary precautions then you're wasting your time.

Read this and it will help.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Did he move home? Did he pass the polygraph? Him allowing you to search his emails and phone is meaningless because as long as he knows you are looking, he can hide in other ways.

You have been dealing with this for TEN YEARS and the situation is worse, not better.

Did he move home? Did he pass the polygraph? Him allowing you to search his emails and phone is meaningless because as long as he knows you are looking, he can hide in other ways.

You have been dealing with this for TEN YEARS and the situation is worse, not better. [/quote]


He has been here since Tuesday afternoon. He never took all his stuff, since he would come home on weekends . When he comes home he usually brings just a few clothes to wash.

I have to check on where I can have a polygraph..we live in a small town and big city towns are over an hour drive. I have no idea who to contact to have one done. Any ideas?

Could it be that he is staying away from other house to get over the "high" need/craving and avoid temptation? Maybe he thinks if he stays here, when he goes back to finish the temptation will be less?? He has check into rehab places in the state, I checked his puter history.

You are right about the phone, but he is definitely NOT smart phone savvy, and he does not know that I am also checking the account activity online.

I have not hard the time to try and crack into his "stock account".

I am not a cold hearted person, AND if he is serious about getting clean I want to be able to offer some support. And Ive been reading alot of info on line and it scares me that he could OD from this cocaine use..he is 57 and it scares me not matter what has happened, I do care for him

Day #4 H still here. Talk is better, he is being open and answering the questions I still have.
Not letting my guard down. I also emailed Dr J Harley maybe I will be answered on the radio show.

No calls in or out from druggie buddy. Nothing on his cell phone bill. H is being attentive, showing a little more affection, no angry outbursts and calm talking.
Asking me more questions regarding my therapy and condition. Seems to be more involved and helping me think about the possible options if all else fails as far as therapy.

Does he have a drug addiction? And has he done anything to lead you to believe he is serious? Is he willing to move home? Pass a polygraph? Commit to this program of recovery?

Those are important questions.

Has he found a rehab program and gone? What ACTIONS has he DONE? Not just talk, but ACTIONS?

Did you read the gaslighting thread I posted to you?

Here.
Polygraph Testing

I read the gas lighting thread. Will re-read as my brain is on overload. H is still here, he hasn't left.

He showed me the bank account online and OMG it only goes back 60 days to activity but he has gone thru almost $9000!!! He said he was showing me, but was afraid that I would freak when I saw the money gone and then I would throw it in his face. I didnt do that but I was stunned/numb / angry etc etc.

I found a counseling service in next town. I already went yesterday, i walked in and explained what my situation was and was seen by a crisis counselor immediately. Seeing her again next week for setting up regular sessions.

They have a drug/alcohol rehab. H is set to go in for assessment on Monday. They determine if inpatient or outpatinet..

We have agreed that the house has to be finished and SOLD ASAP. He will not have access to the proceeds since he is not clean and I dont trust him with the $$ until he is done with rehab and back on track. Still I now have access to his checking acct online.

He will come home every weekend, and I will be going over to the other house on random days to spend the night ( he has agreed to this and will not be given advance notice of my arrival day or time) This was suggested by therapist

He is showing me some affection, did the laundry so I didnt have to waddle one step at a time down to the laundry room. I was out of cigs and he got up and went to the corner store and got me some so I didnt have to go out in the cold/snow ( i didnt have to ask him, he just did it) He is showing interest in my health issues and talked about getting some equipment here at home that he saw on TV that may help to avoid surgery. When I had to go to therapy yesterday he went and turned on the heater in car as it was 8 degrees ( he hasnt done things like this in a LONG TIME) So he is trying, and I have to be specific in what I need from him. He cant read my mind and I have to be point blank when I want something from him. To ppl that do not know him, these may seem like stupid things, but for him, "doing" things for me is one way he shows he cares.

During our talks he says he is stubborn and hard headed ( YEP) but he said that I am also, and never took into account that he isnt the shaprest knife in the drawer, so I would always jump in and do things when he asked how to do something. He feels like it was always my way to do things, and I never stooped to listen to his way of doing things. He voiced his need for an attractive wife, the weight has always been an issue with us. I told him I understood, but he needed to show me affection and still love me even if I needed to lose the weight. He said it just wasnt the "looks" but that the weight issue is also affecting my medical issues right now. I agree. So I cant ask him to do things for me, and ignore his wants/needs. And in the reality of it, when I did lose 55 lbs 2 years ago, I loved it! But I fell off wagon and gained most of it back.

He agreed that we need to talk calmly to each other, that he will control "how" he say things to me, and I need to stop yelling and losing my cool so we dont spend the days arguing over everything. He is a non confrontational person but when he gets to the breaking point with anger its not pretty. He knows this and will work on that also. I will control my temper also and learn to listen and not cut him off mid sentence.

Its small steps, but I see improvement. The counselor told me that right now I have to deal with my issues alone in therapy and H needs to do his Rehab alone. With the apparent heavy cocaine use, she said , I cant put too many things on him to handle. Once he goes thru rehab, she will start including H in my sessions and will work on marriage issues..I have to express my feelings to him but be tactful . But the $$ he has gone thru she said he was in it VERY heavily there were withdrawals of $500- several $1500 withdrawals. Sometimes 2 X a week, some were a few days apart .
His behaviors and actions when I told her , are all signs of drug addiction. Low to no sex urge, the secrecy, the unkept apprearance, the nasal issues, the lack of caring to me, the times he would get angry and was so hyper..the exaggerations with certain things that were not always the way he preceived them. She said heavy cocaine use will let to this extreme anxiety and paranoia..His mental state is weird/off. He starts to say something and forgets a word, or loses track in the middle of a sentance ( all signs of the toll of cocaine and now withdrawals)

I asked her about a polygraph although after access to the financial info NO way can I afford $400-$500. She said they are not 100% reliable and especially with drug use, as what he remembers or imagines may not be accurate as they can displace thoughts/people/ times etc.

I am taking it one day at a time, I have to take control of MY mental state. I think I have not fully grasped the entire situation. I will be going to therapy/counseling once a week for as long as it takes. I like her, she is a certifed clinical Psychologist and specializes in Drug addictions. She will consult with our primary DR to get H in for blood work on STD's also.

I have spent a lot of time working with addicts. I see here, a situation where no matter how badly you are treated, you will always find some reason to cling to change. She is a clinical psychologist specializing in addiction? I suspect she will slowly try and work you out of your own fog here. I wish you luck, but at your age, it breaks my heart to see. You should not be clinging to the crumbs of a cocaine addict at nearly 60.

Have you ever seen an obese person try to lose weight for 10-20 years? They come up with a new diet plan every other week - the miracle cure! But end right back at square 1, because the solution - a *permanent* healthy lifestyle change, is something they just can't seem to accept. I see you in that.

Please explain "she will try to work me out of my fog? as in she will defend him or help me?? Also I did lose the weight 2 yrs ago without any support or fad diet/pills.

Im sorry I seem to get alot of negatives when I am trying to work on marriage and H i think has seen the light and is trying like he has not done before..

By that, I mean she will hopefully try and help you understand the reality of this situation - repeating the same habit of accepting tiny crumbs of hope, without any meaningful change. You have been in this situation for so long that you don't see how bad it really is. Pretty typical of spouses still in love with an addict/abusive partner.

You are getting negatives in the way of someone trying to shake you and snap you back into reality.

A change would be if he immediately, of his own free will and not at your request, entered rehab and did not come to you until he had demonstrated sobriety.

Your H is, like most drug users not ready, tossing you the crumb of discussing rehab. They ALL do that. Dozens of times.

He should be capitulating completely and you should feel free to 'push the issue' or you are just delaying the inevitable.

The three week period is not anything which is going to change his mind set in any way. If he is being casual about this today then he will still be casual in three weeks.

Three weeks is the maximum time frame you can endure without physical and emotional trauma. It isn't a target, it's a limit. - the more time you spend around your husband the more damage you do.

If you can implement a separation in two days, then do it in two days. Don't allow a three week period full of empty space where nothing's being achieved. The sooner he realises it's your way or the high way the better for everyone.

Even if he chooses the highway.

You need to get to AlAnon or Nar-Anon (this is for narcotics). When can you get yourself to a meeting?

Have you written Dr Harley?

Three weeks is the maximum time frame you can endure without physical and emotional trauma. It isn't a target, it's a limit. - the more time you spend around your husband the more damage you do.

If you can implement a separation in two days, then do it in two days. Don't allow a three week period full of empty space where nothing's being achieved. The sooner he realises it's your way or the high way the better for everyone.'


the 3 week was the limit ( max time) I gave him to see things done, no contact with druggies, into a rehab program ( he is going for assessment Monday) and applying the rules and agreements we both agreed upon these past few day ( these agreements are being seen now ) full access to his checking acct. He has not fought me on any of these issues..

Yes I found a link and I sent a detailed email to him.
I have not considered this NarAnon, will check if there is a local chapter/meeting now.

to Brainhurts, I see you profile quote..can I ask if you got thru the pain, or did your marriage end? not being nosey, just don't think that ALL the same principles apply the same to everyone.

My first marriage ended. I'm still married to my second husband that we have the blended families.

Yes it was very painful, but once my H started living his life completely transparent and lives by EPs we were able to get through it.

Good and let us know what Dr. Harley says.

I know there aren't NarAnon chapters everywhere, so if you can't find one of them but can find an AlAnon chapter go to one of them.