I have read the article written by Dr. Harley had written about overcoming resentment and within the article he touched on the resentment I hold but didn't really give any details on overcoming it so I am still left wondering how to let it go.

My wife of just over 3 years began her affair with a regular customer when she worked at a coffee shop. We were having some family issue pertaining to our blended family and she had moved around the corner from our family home at my request to give us time to regroup and come back together as a family with the assistance of family counseling. Within two weeks of moving out my wife was meeting up with this guy. By mid October things had become sexual. I found out about it her involvement with this guy the night things became sexual between the but didn't find out about things being sexual until a few nights later. Anyways, like many betrayed spouses I pleaded with my wife to recommit to our marriage, to go to counseling, to end things with the OM completely and give us a chance to try and resolve our marriage.

She agreed to go to counseling and told me she had ended things with the OM. We went to our first marriage counseling appointment and it was a disaster. The counselor, instead of allowing us to find our path, set out a path that our marriage should take based on her opinion and certainly made me feel like there was no hope of saving our marriage. This of course lead my wife to once again reach out to the OM within an hour of getting home from counseling (still lived separate)and resume her affair. I found out about it the next day.

After a couple of days I again spoke to my wife and asked her to see another counselor with me and to again end things completely with the OM. She agreed to the counseling and to end things, but I didn't completely believe her. So I asked her to show me that she was committed to saving our marriage by showing up to the new counseling appointment. I told her that I would be personally take her and that I needed for her to show me that she was in fact committed to saving our marriage with me and by showing up on her own that would prove it to me. Well naturally she didn't show up to our appointment.

Finally over Halloween weekend we had spent some time together and attempted to reconnect with one another. She had come to me and told me that she had ended things with the OM and We spent the whole weekend together and although there was some hiccups along the way for the most part things went fairly well, we even reconnected on an intimate level which she instigated. Over the weekend she had brought up counseling again. I told her that given that she didn't show up to the first appointment an that I attended the appointment solo that perhaps we should find yet another counselor for us to work with to save our marriage. She agreed and on November 3rd we made an appointment with another Marriage counselor.

We attended our fist appointment and both walked away from it feeling hopeful about being able to save our marriage. Unfortunately later on my wife had disclosed to me that she had still be in contact with the OM, but that was it. Than she revealed that she had once again been sexually involved with him on November 3rd, but although it started consensually it didn't end that way. After a few weeks she again disclosed to me that on November 9th she had allowed the OM to come over to her place as he had insisted that she at least owed him the chance to apologize of his actions on the 3rd. She told me that after he arrived at her place on the 9th the OM raped her (I did see the bruises and the marks from the attack).

My problem is given everything that I was trying to do to save our marriage, my wife did not fully recommit to saving our marriage until after the OM violated her comfort zone one night and than raped her another. I am left to feel and believe that had none of that happened my wife would still be involved with the OM. That in all reality she only choose to stay with me and work on our marriage because the OM was no longer a safe option. Because of the rape and to help my wife feel a sense of security she moved back home almost instantly after disclosing the rape to me. I want to save my marriage, I always have. And as much as I never thought it would be possible, even after she has cheated on me my love for her is still the same and unwaivered but I am still filled with a lot of resentment because I feel like she is only recommitted to me and our marriage by default. How to I let go of that resentment and move past it?

Any help or insight would be great thanks.

Do you have children together? This is a short marriage with the complication of blending families and with the added adultery, this might not be worth saving. Just putting that out there for you to think about.

Your wife just brought a lot of unecessary baggage into a relationship that was already faltering.

PS. When you want to work on a marriage DON'T ASK FOR SPACE OR MAKE YOUR PARTNER MOVE OUT. It's not the best way to get closer and in fact helped facilitate the affair.

You feel horrible, aside from the obvious betrayal, because it sounds like your wife has offered no protection to prevent this from happening again.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Is the OM (other man) married?

Did your wife file charges against him?

Do you want to save your marriage?

Please read this.
SAA-Start Here First

Hi BetrayedSSW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I will be honest with you and just tell you up front that this will not be easy to save. You have so very much going against you. First off, blended families have an 85% divorce rate because of the difficulties involved with step families. You and your wife already separated for this reason, which led to the affair. [more probably, she wanted to separate because of the affair, but that is not relevant at this point]

Secondly, your wife has already had an affair which indicates she has poor boundaries around men. Has that been addressed?

Given all of these problems you have going against you, your marriage CAN recover if you are both completely committed. Marital recovery will alleviate your resentment. If you are happy in the present, your mind won't tend to go to the past.

The program of recovery can be found in the book Surviving an Affair. The first steps are here:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Zibbles - Yes, this is a short marriage but we have been together for 8 years. We do not share any biological children together but I have been raising her son as my own along with my two boys whom I brought into the relationship. I do believe our marriage is worth saving. Again, asking her to move wasn't about our marriage and it was something we discussed in great length prior to her moving out. It was agreed that it wasn't going to be a marital separation but a family separation to give us a chance to regroup. During the time she was living elsewhere we spent everyday together and most nights (I work nights). I do know that this was a contributing factor to her affair, I did do everything I could during that time to reassure her that I was still committed and just wanted our family to function at a greater level than it currently was.

Alis - I can say that currently my wife is doing everything she can to reassure me of her guilt, remorse and that she is not interested in being with anyone else and that the affair is over, she even quit her job so that she wouldn't see him anymore. We do currently attend counseling weekly and she is fully involved in it.

BrainHurt- No, the other man is not married. In fact he broke up with his long term girlfriend who was a former co-worker of my wife at the time before they got involved. (to my knowledge my wife had nothing to do with that relationship ending).

No, my wife has not filed charges and this is something we discussed, but she is afraid to bring the matter to the police as after he attacked her he took her phone and sent himself a text message from her phone which read "If you leave me I will go to the police and tell them you raped me." and he has been telling everyone that he ended the relationship.

Yes, I do want to save my marriage and am doing everything I can to do just that.

MelodyLane - We are currently doing everything listed in the check list.

The thing I am seeking I guess is the resentment is a recent development. And again it go to her not actually ending the affair with the OM until after things became forceful and violent. This has left me to feel like it only ended because of his actions and not because of her feelings for me. Although I do believe her feelings for me to be genuine and that she does now value me and my love in a way she never did before in part because of the actions of the OM.

This is true, though. Her feelings for you were likely not the thing that killed the affair. I would be very surprised if that was the case, because in order to have the affair in the first place, she had checked out of your marriage. When a spouse has an affair they have checked out of the marriage.

That being said, most people do have resentment the first year or so, but that fades *IF* they create a happy, passionate marriage that is better than the pre-affair marriage.


This means you are right the right path towards recovery. I would be sure and NEVER bring up the affair again. That will trigger your bad feelings.


Hopefully, you are NOT discussing the affair!! That is how resentment and anger is fueled and perpetuated.

Okay, well we have discussed the affair many times and it great length. We have talked about it for hours at a time before. She has answered all of my questions that I had and provided the details that I felt I needed as well as some she felt I needed to know. We do struggle on general communication as at times I don't really know what to say to her and it feels like the only time we truly communicate to one another is when we discuss the affair and everything that lead up to the affair happening. Also give the rape that took place my wife has needed to discuss that with me several times for her own peace of mind (due to nightmares and vivid awake relivings) She has since agreed to seek counseling for herself regarding the attack through our local Sexual Assault Centre.

BSSW, talking about the affair afterwards can drag out your recovery for years. The sooner you stop talking about it, the sooner you will recover. Talking about it only triggers you both because it brings the tragedy of the past into the present. Once all the facts are known, it should never be brought up again.

Talking about it prevents you from creating a romantic, passionate marriage in the present.

Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, touches on it in his "Overcoming Resentment" article:

here

Okay so than my next question would be how do you not talk about it when it is constantly on your mind? Again, I want to save our marriage and I want to do everything I can to help us both heal and move past this dark period in our marriage and towards a happier, healthier and stronger marriage and family.

You will find that the less you talk about it, the less it will be on your mind. But when you talk about it, it makes it harder for the memory to fade. If you get into the habit of not talking about it, you will find that you start recovering in leaps and bounds. Before long, you will have days where you don't even think about it. Those days turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months. Talking about it makes your marriage a very unpleasant place to be.

Dr. Harley's advice is to NEVER bring it again once you have all the facts. All of the facts should be divulged right after the affair. After that, it shouldn't be brought up again.

Not talking about the affair is essential to recovery. If it seems impossible for you to avoid bringing it up, you might want to see about getting some medication to help you. I know that for me, medication was an key component in breaking this destructive cycle.

Here's another good article on resentment. There are some good clips towards the end of the thread.

Resentment Type A and Type B

here

here