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Three weeks is the maximum time frame you can endure without physical and emotional trauma. It isn't a target, it's a limit. - the more time you spend around your husband the more damage you do.
If you can implement a separation in two days, then do it in two days. Don't allow a three week period full of empty space where nothing's being achieved. The sooner he realises it's your way or the high way the better for everyone.'
the 3 week was the limit ( max time) I gave him to see things done, no contact with druggies, into a rehab program ( he is going for assessment Monday) and applying the rules and agreements we both agreed upon these past few day ( these agreements are being seen now ) full access to his checking acct. He has not fought me on any of these issues.. Are you preparing for separation? You need to have everything ready so if you have to separate you don't have to start getting everything ready you will be ready.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes I am planning. I finally got a commission check and paid down some of my credit cards. I should get another one end of this month, around $1400. I am starting to squirrel money away in a saving acct. Setting some items in home up for photos and will be selling them online sites. Every drop in the bucket helps.
Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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Here's a good show about a husband who is an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers. Please tell us what you think. Radio Clip on Addictions Segment #2 Segment #3 Segment #4
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We have agreed that the house has to be finished and SOLD ASAP. He will not have access to the proceeds since he is not clean and I dont trust him with the $$ until he is done with rehab and back on track. Still I now have access to his checking acct online.
He will come home every weekend, and I will be going over to the other house on random days to spend the night ( he has agreed to this and will not be given advance notice of my arrival day or time) This was suggested by therapist This is a deal breaker right here. In order to save your marriage, you should never spend ONE NIGHT APART again. Living apart is what has wrecked your marriage and a continuation of that practice will just make recovery impossible. You can't expect to put a house BEFORE your marriage. You have to spend EVERY night together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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nochange, honestly, I give this very little hope, but if you aren't even going to take it seriously, I don't see how he can be expected to take it seriously.
The foundation of this plan has to be:
1. MOVE HOME and never spend the night apart again
2. stop all drug use and attend a recovery program
3. pass a polygraph and come clean about his secret second life
If these steps are not taken, then you are wasting your time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Nochanges, if your husband won't agree to every one of those items, in addition to going through this program, then there is nothing to work with here and you should just go right into Plan B. But the plan to continue living apart while in "Plan A" is a waste of your time.
Your "therapist" needs to stay out of your marriage and stick to helping you create appropriate boundaries. The steps we are giving you are from Marriage Builders.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Nochanges, if your husband won't agree to every one of those items, in addition to going through this program, then there is nothing to work with here and you should just go right into Plan B. But the plan to continue living apart while in "Plan A" is a waste of your time.
Your "therapist" needs to stay out of your marriage and stick to helping you create appropriate boundaries. The steps we are giving you are from Marriage Builders. I so agree. I think you need to completely separate from him until he has made the changes you need. Dr. Harley recommends for a spouse to separate from their spouse when there's an addiction. If your H can't commit to a program and the other items that ML pointed out than I'm sorry but he isn't serious. When can you go into Plan B?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 473
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nochange, honestly, I give this very little hope, but if you aren't even going to take it seriously, I don't see how he can be expected to take it seriously.
The foundation of this plan has to be:
1. MOVE HOME and never spend the night apart again
2. stop all drug use and attend a recovery program
3. pass a polygraph and come clean about his secret second life
If these steps are not taken, then you are wasting your time. Well I guess I am screwed then..it is not financially feasible to move back here 7 days a week. and i guess its not enough for me to go over on random days and spending the night.. he is still here and will be going to drug assessment tomorrow morning. he has agreed. other than waiting for tomorrow to make sure he goes nothing i can do today. No $$ for polygraph..I think he has shown regret/embarrasment whatever for what he has done..but guess its not enough. he has agreed to be transparent, let me check emails, banks, texts, phone etc..not enough? Thought doing Plan A was option for a specific time..not right again Now advised to go directly to PLan B..well I guess I'll tell him to leave today and I will stay in this house until I can get a place. Don't mean to sound cranky but seems like what me & H have discussed and he has agreed to isnt enough. so I dont know what else to do except to tell him to get out.
Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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nochange, honestly, I give this very little hope, but if you aren't even going to take it seriously, I don't see how he can be expected to take it seriously.
The foundation of this plan has to be:
1. MOVE HOME and never spend the night apart again
2. stop all drug use and attend a recovery program
3. pass a polygraph and come clean about his secret second life
If these steps are not taken, then you are wasting your time. Well I guess I am screwed then..it is not financially feasible to move back here 7 days a week. and i guess its not enough for me to go over on random days and spending the night.. Is divorce financially feasible? Because those are your options. The reason your marriage is wrecked is because your husband has been living a secret second life for years. He is a serial cheater. That cannot be resolved if you are not spending every night together. You don't have to do anything, but I am telling you that unless a radical lifestyle change is made, you are wasting your time. Not even good marriages can survive living apart. he is still here and will be going to drug assessment tomorrow morning. he has agreed. other than waiting for tomorrow to make sure he goes nothing i can do today. Sounds good. No $$ for polygraph..I think he has shown regret/embarrasment whatever for what he has done..but guess its not enough. he has agreed to be transparent, let me check emails, banks, texts, phone etc..not enough? Has he told you the FULL truth about his past affairs to your satisfaction? If not, then of course it is not enough. Thought doing Plan A was option for a specific time..not right again
Now advised to go directly to PLan B..well I guess I'll tell him to leave today and I will stay in this house until I can get a place. Is there a reason you can't stay in that house? Don't mean to sound cranky but seems like what me & H have discussed and he has agreed to isnt enough. so I dont know what else to do except to tell him to get out. It is not enough. It will take a radical change to save your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can stay in this house I guess. Its in both names and when he came home Tuesday and was talking separation he said I could stay here.. As for divorce, I can get legal aid I guess, havent checked into that. Have no idea what a divorce costs. I am /always have been the suspicious type  so I can not say 100% sure he has told me everything about his little flirting crap / EA's to my satisfaction. I can tell he is trying to be calm and polite and show me some affection and YES i want to get 'real' answers to ALL my doubts and my questions..and since a poly is not feasible then I guess at this time I wont know 100% I am investigating some spy ware to put on his phone tonight. I am out of bed at 4am due to pain issues so I will have time to do it. Just need one that is easy to install and that is 100% undetectable on his phone.. Not even an icon can be on his screen or he will catch on..Any suggestions?
Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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That a poly is not feasable does not ring true.
He has been using escorts and God knows what and does not have money for a poly? Divorce is much more expensive, I can assure you and he knows. That's why he is so timid now.
me, DH
5 children
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Also, you are already separated. If you want to spend the rest of your life as unhappy as you are now, by all means, don't change anything.
me, DH
5 children
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I installed spy software on his phone this morning. Records all texts, emails, phone logs and also has gps tracker.
H is the type that will deny everything unless I have hard evidence in front of him, thus the spyware.
I did go thru his cell phone history, since its apparent now he has no idea it stays there and never deleted anything..there are alot of pornsites visited..sooo now we add porn to the list of crap he has hidden..
He is supposed to leave today to go work on the house. Says he will get it done by the 15th. I have not told him my schedule and will go by tonight.
I need to have hard evidence, and then I will present all to him and set my demands. Take it or leave it. At that point, yes I will demand a polygraph. If he is willing to come clean 100% and start to rebuild,
If he doesnt, well by that time, I should have my bills paid down and will take half of the $$ in the marriage. That should get me somewhere that I can afford on my own in FL.
Right now I am being calm and not letting on that I am aware of more things. As far as he is concerned, we are being nice to each other, trying to talk things out etc..
my mind is clearer and I am doing what I need to do for my sanity and to protect myself..
Met 6/2000
Married 10/2001
Separated 4/2008
Moved back in with H on 10-29-09 Its a struggle so far.
Me 56
H 57
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He is supposed to leave today to go work on the house. Says he will get it done by the 15th. Is he moving home for good on the 15th? H is the type that will deny everything unless I have hard evidence in front of him, thus the spyware. Here is what you can do, nc. Write up a list of all your questions about his secret life, such as the names of all women he has had affairs with, dates, what happened, how he met them, etc, etc, etc. Write them all out. Tell him you need the truthful answers in 2 days and that you will be scheduling a polygraph in the near future to see how truthful he was. But he won't know the questions that will be asked on the test.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is up to him to come clean and prove his truthfulness. If he doesn't come clean and commit to complete transparency along with a program of recovery, then there is no need to move home at all. Here is the checklist from Surviving an Affair:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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