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MB = Marriage Builders
SAA = Surviving an Affair
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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I may be wrong, but you seem like you may be doing love busters a lot more than you realize.
I had that problem (and probably still do a little). I read Dr.Harley's book "Love Busters" and was stunned to find out how many things I had done throughout my marriage that amounted to disrespectful judgments and other LBs. I can now look back and see so many times that I had tried to "educate" my wife and explain away her feelings. I gave lectures that I didn't realize were lectures. I belittled her feelings because I did not feel the same way.
I would recommend that book to anyone in a romantic relationship or even thinking about being in one. SAA would probably be the best book to start with though. Love busters is far more detailed about love busters.
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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I have been reading the concepts of these. I'm reading love busters right now and it has been so eye opening to me. My wife had been telling me this stuff for so long and I had just brushed it off. I didn't really think I was doing that stuff. I was so wrong. I feel very ashamed of the way I have been acting. I've only finished the up to DJs and I just feel so awaken to my actions now. Sometimes it's hard to read because I'm like that's me to a tee I've been doing this all along.
As for the exposure with my children they know about my two affairs and about their sisters mom. I had told them about those when we were seperated. My wife first affair I never exposed to anyone. The two older kids figured it out on there own for the most part. This second affair I haven't exposed to them yet.
I have had no contact with oldest daughters mom since March of last year. Except dropping my daughter off at her house. I didn't see her or talk to her. I was physically out front of her house and that was a form of contact that should have never happened.
I had told my daughter that it was unacceptable and that we will have to make other arrangements. Because I do not want to be any where around your mom or her house. And that doing so has caused a lot of pain to my wife and family. She isn't very happy with me but she is grown and we will have to work that out.
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You are not wrong at all I have committed love busters at an unbelievable rate in our marriage and didn't even realize what I was doing. I have done the exact things you have done through out our entire marriage. I haven't filings he'd the book but I already know that I'm guilty of all of them in this book. I look forward to finding out more about the others so I can change them.
It is hard to change them I noticed it takes a lot of work and thinking before you talk. Especially since it has been the norm for so long. I'm about to start the chapter angry outburts I know I'm guilty of this hands down.
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You need to expose before the affair becomes more embedded. Time is against you.
Exposure sometimes needs time to work and you are delaying the start of that countdown.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have come to the conclusion that this affair is embedded already and that it never ended the right way the first time. I can't say anything about that cause I sure didn't end mine the right way by any means. I am planning on telling them I just haven't yet I don't want to put them through this pain again. I guess I was just hoping she would end it on her own. I feel that she is being dishonest about what contact is about and the extent of the messages. I see the same pattern happening again exactly the same way.
Maybe I'm pushing her closer to him and probably am. I can see what's happening. I also can tell she's extremely unhappy at this moment and I know a lot of that unhappiness is a reflection of my actions and the way I've handled this. Also the love busters and the affairs I have committed through out our marriage. Also I've been controlling especially after I found out that the affair started back up.
Things were seeming to be going pretty good all the way up to last Aug that's when first physical contact between them happened and the prior year. I was having a hard to dealing with it.
Last edited by stupid365; 01/07/15 10:56 AM.
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Last night I didn't talk about our relationship or the affair at all. It's a very hopeless feeling.
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Expose. It feels hopeless when you only take half measures. I don't want to put them through this pain again. I guess I was just hoping she would end it on her own. .
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. She is never going to do that! The affair must get very unpleasant before then. They always do because exposure ruins the fantasy. Even if your wife did end it it must still be exposed to prevent resumption. That's what went wrong last time. The least you could do is warn your children. Don't lie to them.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am very concerned about your passiveness and fear. That never won fair maiden. You should read wifedivorcing's thread. He did a kickass Plan A and totally ignored his WWs rants about exposure. She even had him committed with a false allegation. He just shrugged it off. Eventually she and OM started to fight due to the exposures. At that point she fell into WDs arms. You will be surprised to see much of the same behaviour as your wife. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170321&Number=2791622#Post2791622
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/07/15 12:52 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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To all on MB. I want to Thank You. I know we have a huge an long road a head of us. My wife has agreed to chang her phone number, writing the no contact for life letter. She is stopping the divorce, She will be testifying at my ppo hearing in my behalf. She has told me that she understands the no contact and the reason behind it. She is looking for a new job.
My wife came to my mother's house with SS. She was nervous and so was SS. Once everyone gave her a hug and SS a hug I could see her feeling a little more relaxed. My family has been behind me 100%. They weren't happy when I was hospitalized, which is understandable. I know as the evening progressed they both fit right back in. My mother who usually is tough as nails called me in private and said I hope her coming today shows that we still love her and she sees that we do with everyone's interactions. We were playi.g Wii all together and we were giving eachother hugs goofing around and I gave SS one and he hugged me back.
my wife has been showing me a lot of remorse and telling me she is sorry, crying in my arms. She has been giving me a ton of emotional needs. She has told me several times on how she is so glad I fought for her and how I never gave up on her. She has told me the man I have become is amazing and she said she is scared still and wants me like this forever. I understand her feelings.
someone had told me here on MB that your wife will not remember any of the stuff she had told me. I had said something to her she told me during the fog and she said I never said that. I just ok. It kind of made me laugh inside.
Our son is truly happy that he is home. I can see it in him. My wife told me the he thinks I hate him. I told him yesterday when he came home from my mother's, that I missed him very much and that I missed his goofy noises and silly things he does.. I also told him that I love him very much.
My wife and I have been reading Surviving An Affair together. She said she wants to lay it all out and then move forward. We both have deactt our FB accounts. I told her that I will be transparent also. This works both ways. I will check in later on. I'm amazed I have 35000 views. Unreal. There are a lot of people in the same boat. Don't give up faith, give it to God and listen to these vets on MB!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yeah I know I do I'm working on thinking how to tell them.
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Yeah I know I do I'm working on thinking how to tell them. To tell whom? Are you going to expose?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What's your plan for exposing? Who are you going to tell?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I would file for divorce because I view this as hopeless while fear is more important than your family.
It is outrageous that you think lying to them is acceptable because you are afraid to do a difficult parenting task.
You know full well they are going to be blindsided and you do nothing.
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/08/15 06:38 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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One of the main causes of affairs is the view that dishonesty is kind.
If adulterers were radically honest there would be no affairs.
Really it's just a way to cower in secrecy.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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How do you feel is the best way to tell kids. I haven't found anything about that subject.
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I don't feel lying to them is acceptable in anyway. Fear isn't the reason I haven't told them yet. I'm just trying to do it the right way and find some info on it. I have to be strong for them.
This will be devastating
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BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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There is lots of advice on the Exposure 101 link which you should have read by now.
I linked it to you so you could avoid making the common mistakes. You've made them all. Then you were dishonest with us about how much had been done.
You need to wake up.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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