One of my favorite things for UA is to bring home salad takeout, and have a bedroom date watching a movie. We can snuggle, and interrupt the movie at any time. If we leave the room and look at all of the To-Do's around us, then it won't work. But this is good on a dark winter night when we are both tired or sick, etc. I still get "dressed up" etc. and treat it as a special occasion.

I am surprised that in 2 years of the program, you didn't come up with some tried and true positive UA dates. What do you see as the stumbling block to that?

Also, after 2 years, I would think that your husband could learn how beneficial this program is. He may say that he's happy, but be getting his intimate needs filled by cake eating etc. Is this possible? Waywards/Cake Eaters often complain of meeting their spouses needs.

There's no affair. Also, my husband does not seem thrilled with me. I don't want to DJ but I *think* he doesn't buy into MB. I don't think he believes he can build romantic love. Also, changing habits and doing tedious things are just not his thing...I keep hoping he will just *try*

If he's not enthusiastic then stop doing the dates. They aren't working for that reason and the reason everyone is confused is because he isn't being honest.

I imagine he's doing it 'for you' and not even considering how to make sure he has a good time.

I don't understand your response, Indie, are you suggesting we stop having UA time?

He says he enjoys our dates but he doesn't seem thrilled with me in general.

What action do you suggest I take?

Have you read all my posts in this thread? Your advice is usually so thoughtful.

I just think it's common for men to capitulate and do things for us.

I don't think your instincts are wrong. If he was having the fun he says he is, you'd easily witness it. Doesn't add up.

If so, the dates are going to withdraw units for him which would explain his demeanour towards you.

It's tricky because you cant mind read him without it being a DJ. What he is saying is hard to believe though.

He can't be having a good time AND be moody towards you for no reason without some honesty being withheld.

I don't mean to suggest no UA time but you have to find out why he isn't enjoying it.

cg, what is going on between you two in terms of SF? If UA time is a problem and not enjoyable, I am assuming SF isn't happening or enjoyable either. What are your H's top ENs? What are yours?

SF is a disaster. To get some sense of our situation just read SmileADay's thread. Our sexual history is nearly identical except my H does not use porn. It's hard to read her thread because it brought back so many horrific memories. I had a traumatic birth as well (a heavily-medicated week in the hospital followed by the birth of a critically ill 1lb 12oz baby and I was taking care of my H sexually within 48 hours...an extremely painful surgery that had me gasping in pain during SF weeks earlier than I should have etc)

My husband no longer demands sex. I will no longer have sex unless I want to. I am hoping UA time and need-meeting will make me want to.

His top two needs are Conversation and SF. I'm meeting his need for C 100%

I don't even know what my top needs are but Dr H is pretty clear on the needs we should be focusing on. My H is dismal at conversation.

I just read your first thread. markos posted to you that you can't fix what your H doesn't want to fix on his side and I agree. You even say your H is considerate of you 99% of the time. If he showed you extraordinary care then you wouldn't be having these problems. Is IB still an issue with him?

Major IB has gotten much better. H wants to be married so if I say "if you do this we will have a problem" he won't do it. But he is fine with doing stuff I'm not enthusiastic with. The IB is so entrenched that even I don't notice it right away.

I just can't take it anymore. I've been trying to do MB with him for 5 years. We signed up for two years of coaching. We talked to Sandy. He often missed his phone appointments with her. She wasn't able to help so she suggested he talk to Kim. I don't think he ever did.

I asked him to leave tonight. I didn't give him a way back because I have no idea what I would want. He thinks it's temporary. I have no idea what to do but right now I'm dealing with two jet-lagged kids and I'm okay. He normally does an enormous amount of the parenting so this is going to be a huge change.

I must say I think that's the right move. You can't drag him uphill and sometimes the mind set is 'You do love me really you're just making me jump through hoops'. Sometimes people wake up when asked to move out.

Thanks Indiegirl.

He thinks it's temporary and will want to come home. What should I do? I can't keep him out forever, right??

I have no idea what he could/should do to make me want him back...

I'd email the doc. Maybe he needs to take you out on some dates that are not just phoning it in before he comes back.

Did you see Dr. Harley's response to you on the private forum?

Thank you, I just looked!

I would love it if you could share it here. It might be helpful for others.

He said he would have our coach get in contact with me and they would help us...

Also, have you ever thought about both of you being on the radio show? So you can talk with the Harleys?

H isn't into MB.

According to our conversation last night:

H thinks I have unrealistic expectations and that I want something too specific...
He doesn't believe we can create a passionate, romantic marriage

My husband refuses to have a marriage of extraordinary care. All my questions to Dr. Harley sort of reflect that...

What would we say/ask if we were on the radio?

Would your H be up to discuss it with Dr. Harley? Dr. Harley has such a wonderful way of explaining things.

Your H could discuss with Dr. Harley why he doesn't think MB will work to build a romantic marriage. Maybe have him write the question and let it go from there? KWIM?

So...I've been barking up the wrong tree. I'm feeling pretty dumb.

I finally talked to a good friend who loves both H and me (all of our friends are couple friends). I brought her up to speed with what had been going on. Also, my husband has a habit of making fun of me, mocking me or making me the butt of jokes. It bothers me immensely and we both talked to our coach about it. My point is that between that that our friends have all witnessed and my realization that my story to my friend was pretty much about love busters and not about lack of need-meeting...I see that love busters are the reason I feel nauseous at the thought of another date with my husband. I've been wondering why I need him to have a specific conversation skill that I obviously didn't need in order to fall in love with him.

I feel so hopeless.

I talk to my coach tomorrow. I thought everyone would be shocked if we split up. Maybe they won't be if they have all been noticing his verbal stuff.

My H also seems depressed despite having a great job that he loves and pays well.