Hi,

WW (40) and I have been married for 3 years and nine months as of the separation on September 1st. We have one child (3) together and she has 2 children from a previous marriage.

Early in August, she started hanging out with her cousin (age 21) who is an out lesbian. The cousin has been with us the past two summers because she was struggling (she is a musician) and we wanted to be supportive. Net/Net she developed a sexual relationship with her and the cousin is moving to the US (currently in the UK) to live with my wife and see where it goes.

WW and I had "normal" marital troubles. I struggle with depression, anxiety and lack of interest in sex due to work, kids, farm work, etc.

My wife is the one requesting the divorce. She is now convinced she is a lesbian (or at least Bi) and that her cousin is her "true love". She told me everything (that I already knew) when I confronted her in November. "It's never been like this before." "I never knew what love was until now." "She tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world and it moves me."

We are currently in mediation to discuss the financial and custody issues. She has completely changed her personality, or let surface elements of her personality that were dormant. I have no idea, but she has basically turned into a teenager. Wants to "live life to its fullest and not miss out anymore." Somehow she wants to do this without giving up the kids or her business.

I have been struggling with this for months. I kept it pretty quiet, but she told her friends and family. The family reaction is mixed. Most think this is a horrible idea, but no one can really stop her. A few are supportive of the relationship (Love is love, don't you know).

I have been asking pastors and therapists about this situation. Generally speaking, there isn't much anyone can do. Anyone gone through this (or anything like this) before?

The cousin is here (or will be in a couple days on a tourist visa). I am sure she is looking for a visa and/or employment so that she can stay. They are currently living in a one bedroom cottage with the three kids. The first ex husband doesn't know anything about the affair with the cousin.

Any advice?

Hi CAtles, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Please take a look at the "start here first" thread at the top of the forum and read through the links.

Generally speaking, lesbian affairs are the easiest to bust up because they are so fragile. I would read through the exposure thread and expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy and exposure ruins all that. That will be your greatest weapon in saving your marriage.

Catles,

You wrote, Generally speaking, there isn't much anyone can do.

That's the common path, the betrayed spouse goes into a corner and hides their head in their hands, never saying a word having no support and feeling powerless. This is the reverse victimization which is the result of most affairs.

However you don't have to play by the bullies rules, not this time, you are going to turn into a merciless good guy with a gun, and your gun is exposure so load up your clips and mow em down.

God Bless
Gamma

It's pretty much exposed. The cousin was here in the summer for a few weeks. Left in September. Wife went on two trysts of a week and now she is back to live.

All my friends know. Most of her friends and customers know, at least I think they do.

The issue here is more one of fantasy. Every time the cousin has been here she has been on vacation. Reality hasn't been involved. Now they are living in a one bedroom cottage with the three kids. Reality should set in soon.

Have you personally informed her family? The cousin's parents? Anyone who was informed by your wife should be contacted by you. The reason is because a) waywards don't tell the truth and b) it will give you an opportunity to ask the person to support your marriage.


I would do your best to keep your kids out of that sewer. They should not be exposed to her affair.

And I agree that reality will intrude. Timing that with a really comprehensive exposure will cause the affair to crumble.

The entire family knows. Both sides. The cousin's parents are supportive of the relationship (Love is love, don't you know). Personally, I think they just want her out from underfoot and 5000 miles away. The father has been married 5 times. Not exactly a poster child for relationship advice.

I waited for months to gather evidence and I have a pile. I confronted her in November and her reactions was "How do you know all this?!"

It's about as Jerry springer as you can get.

Have you spoken to them personally? The cousins parents are supportive of adultery?


ouch! sounds like it.

I was told by my wife's mother (they live in the UK) and by other family members that he was the one that bought the ticket for the cousin to go to Florida for th tryst. Also the "Love is love" quote which I heard from several family members came from them. I also have evidence from text messages that they support this.

I haven't spoken to them directly but I have no reason to doubt it. It fits.

Sick, isn't it?

I would speak to them yourself. They have likely been told a lie about how this all came about. I seriously doubt they were told that your WW is committing adultery and abandoning her children to pursue a lesbian affair. This is why it is so very important to get the correct news out there YOURSELF.

And sure, maybe they are degenerates who care nothing about their daughter, but that is unlikely. You should leave no stone unturned in looking for support.

I read it as she took their mutual child and is living with OW.

Is your child with you or her?

With her at the moment. OW just came back onto the scene.

You should consult an attorney to prevent her from leaving the state with your child.
Why would you allow her to take the child(ren)?

Unfortunately it sounds as if she got her version of the story in before you did. That is bad luck because now it leaves you fighting a defensive action. Added to that is the fact that this is a lesbian affair. She has presented this as 'coming out of the closet' whereas in truth it is just a garden variety sordid affair.

It does not mean you should not expose as far and wide as you can, it is just going to make your task harder and you will find some people have already decided to side with her but you will be really glad you did this.

Yes. Those were exactly my thoughts. This is an affair. Not some repressed coming our story.

Oh I am going to expose far and wide. Especially since I jus found out that rhey were spotted at the local grocery store holding hands.

Good.

Who is on your exposure list?

The few friends that we have in common that don't know. Her ex-husband.

Don't discount anyone (for exposure) you never really know who may support your M. It may be a good idea to seek legal advice re custody of your 3 yr old.

And what about the OW's family? Her parents? Siblings?

The entire OW's family knows and is supportive of the affair/relationship between the cousins.

As I said before, their philosophy is "Love is Love". Personally, I think that the OW's family just wants her to come to the US and get her out from underfoot.

Of course, the destruction of our family and the collateral fallout both social and financial and the fact that this affair will most likely blow up within months as my wife is 40, has no money, no credit, no home, no skills except a failing horse business and the cousin is 21, no job, no visa (she is from the UK), no skills except singing (usually in bars), uses drugs and is sexually promiscuous. Add to this the fact that they are in a one bedroom cottage with the three kids and the reality that every time the cousin has come and/or been with my wife, she has been on vacation with no responsibility...

You never know what can happen, but I don't see a good way out of this for her.

She has no concept