Hello everyone,
I have finally worked up the courage to post. It has been a long time coming I guess. Here goes nothing.

I am 53 and my WH is 55. We have been married 28 yrs. We have 2 lovely children, a DD 25 yrs (still at home) and a DS 21 years (away at university). D-Day was Sept.28/14 when I got the I love you but am not in love with you speech. Exact words were "I have been unfaithful and I want out of this marriage" My WH told me he had been very lonely for a long time (EN's not being met) went in a chat room as a result of loneliness, began communicating with the OW (38 yrs old). Long story short, an EA began with telephone conversations and texting in April 2014 and became physical in September 2014. The OW lives 1000 plus miles away but both she and my WH needed to be in a city about 200 miles from our home for business. I often accompany my WH on these trips but did not on this one. They spent 4 days together.

The plan was he would tell me, the OW would tell her husband. My WH would quit his job (very high salary and he has been there 26 yrs), leave me, our children and all of his family to move a 1000 miles away and raise the OW's two young sons. He fully expected I would insist he leave and we would be done. I threw him for a loop when I did not react as anticipated, told him I wanted him to stay and try to save our marriage. Quite frankly, I would never have imagined this would have been my reaction either. After much deliberation, he agreed to remain with me but of course I insisted on no contact. Physical contact never occurred given the distance but there were a few texts. His withdrawals were very intense. He moved out Nov. 1/14, came home after 4 days stating he was ready to recommit to our marriage. He did call her to tell her of his decision and felt guilty that he had hurt her so much. Much self loathing on his part (what he has done to me and her)No contact since that time but I did find a picture on his phone of her (of course she is very beautiful)which he immediately deleted. I am no slouch either but she is 15 yrs younger then me.

We have both been trying (read SAA, HNHN, LB, much of the info on MB)but I have been much more committed and involved then my WH. His withdrawals continue to be strong. I now know I did not meet his most important emotional needs and there were many AO's and DJ's on my part. As Dr. Harley says, there is no excuse for an affair but there are reasons. And those were plentiful I am sorry to say. I can honestly say that there have been no LB's on my part since D-Day, not a single one. It has been very difficult at times, especially knowing that he misses her and the life they planned to build together, but I have not faltered, not a single time. No fights at all since D-Day but we still are tense and uncomfortable around each other. He has much anger and resentment towards me for not meeting his EN's. Thanksgiving and Christmas were a nightmare.

He has decided to leave once again (today in fact)to try and resolve his feelings of resentment and self loathing. I told him leaving was not going to help restore our marriage but my words did not convince him. So he is gone and his plan is that we will continue to talk (we have had more meaningful conversations in the past 3 months then we did in our entire marriage I think). I am feeling pretty discouraged and hopeless. My fear and anxiety are very high. It is difficult to cope with being alone. I do still love him very much. I truly wish I did not but it is what it is.

I feared the intensity of his withdrawals would interfere with all of my efforts and it appears that they have. I am not quite sure what to do next, where to go from here. Any thoughts or insights would be very appreciated. There is much more I could say but perhaps this is a good place to start.

Hi BP, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Unfortunately, the affair has not ended. He is either back in touch or he has a plan in place to pursue her.

Either way, your best chance of saving your marriage is exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair and fuel the fantasy. That is what has happened here. Exposure is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high!

Please go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature. This should be done right away because the longer you wait, the more entrenched it will become.

Please download and read the book Surviving an Affair. This is our playbook for saving your marriage. After exposure, you should be planning on going into Plan B, which is a very dark separation.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you told your children?

When will you be exposing the affair?

Hi BP welcome to MB and sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

We understand you wanting to save your M, its common to think you would end the M when faced with an A but the reality when it happens is very different.

As Mel posted it is important to expose the A, the link she posted will give you information regarding this and explain why it is so important. Exposure is a really good tool for ending the A but as Mel stated the longer you leave exposing, the A becomes entrenched and is harder to end.