Any LBs are going to destroy your LB$ for your H. No amount of UA/EN meeting is going to keep up with the withdrawals and your UA time isn't even making deposits so you are in the negative x 2.

Hugs to you coffeegirl. Please don't beat yourself up.

I thought people would be shocked at the end of my marriage. Nobody was! Everyone was stunned that I'd put up with his lack of effort for so long.

I think the problem is he doesn't respect you. Your bar should be way higher. Mockery was something I used to endure (allowing IB seems to encourage disrespect) but now that would be an instant suitcase packer for me.

You should always be saying you two will have a problem if it is a problem. Not just but that it will end the marriage and quickly too.

There's nothing wrong in insisting on respect before even considering continuing with the marriage.

It really makes sense, Indie. My H is kind, generous, courteous and warm. But he doesn't respect very many people. Maybe no one? He was raised by one of the most disrespectful people I have ever met....(she is also generous, warm, friendly, quick to help, loving etc)

Is it really fixable?

I've been trying to demand/encourage/remind/give feedback/get help to eliminate his disrespect but it hasn't worked. In MB feelings follow actions but he seems unwilling or unable to maintain actions that show respect and avoid actions that are disrespectful.

It makes so much sense.

He's incredibly disrespectful to our kids and it's been lovely having him gone. He's also an extremely involved and loving dad...

Disrespect seems like part of his personality. Can it be successfully eliminated?

Something women seem to do is go softly, softly. 'Would you mind' or 'I kind of think' or 'remember I said'.

We are more subtle. Ever been at a party when a woman offended every female present but none of the men noticed?

It feels like you're a b*tch with an axe when we make a direct complaint complete with consequences.

I actually think men prefer it. It is exhausting (at first) for anyone to change ingrained habits. Don't make the mistake of suggesting there's no real serious reason to do so.

Yup, I've been telling him it bothers me and respectfully telling him to stop.

How should I have handled the following situation:
My Husband and I brought our kids to a get together with a few other families at the home of our close friends. The kids were playing together beautifully. My husband was in a bad mood, we probably should have skipped it. Anyway, my husband sneeringly mocked me when I said something. (We were taste-testing and I said I thought it was a little sweet, I often find things too sweet) anyway, what exactly should I have done in that situation?

Disrespectful behavior can be eliminated. The choice is up to your husband though.

Not respecting someone and being disrespectful are two different things.

I would make sure to email this post to your coach so that may be it can be discussed.

"You are not pleasant to be around when you sneer at me. That's why I am ending this date. Take me home."

The key is not to bother explaining yourself too much. Just insist it bothers you and is unacceptable.

I'd say that if you go for that first offence then you are completely justified in fixing him with a look the second time and asking him where he is going to be staying since you won't be mocked in your own home.

You are not alone. When I was Plan Aing my ex I joined him and his friends for a quiz night (a real date would have made OW jealous) and he called our team 'Indie should stay at home'. A joke apparently. I can't believe I stuck out the evening but I didn't truly understand then that Plan A should be more rock star than doormat.

What was his comment?

[quote=coffeegirl]Yup, I've been telling him it bothers me and respectfully telling him to stop./quote]

You don't need to be rude but you don't need to be particularly respectful, like if you were making a request or a complaint.

He knows what he's doing.

I need to find the 'Listen Buster' article.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/4/29/204

You don't allow abuse. Its not like a complaint where he doesn't know what he is doing.

Abuse will continue as long as it is allowed.

He doesn't want to have to date you, resents having to earn his needs. I'm sure abuse has often been a successful shortcut in the past to getting what he wants.

Have you heard from Kim yet? Is he still out of the house?

I talked to Sandy and posted a question to Dr. Harley.

He is still out.

"You are not pleasant to be around when you sneer at me. That's why I am ending this date. Take me home."

The key is not to bother explaining yourself too much. Just insist it bothers you and is unacceptable.

I'd say that if you go for that first offence then you are completely justified in fixing him with a look the second time and asking him where he is going to be staying since you won't be mocked in your own home.

You are not alone. When I was Plan Aing my ex I joined him and his friends for a quiz night (a real date would have made OW jealous) and he called our team 'Indie should stay at home'. A joke apparently. I can't believe I stuck out the evening but I didn't truly understand then that Plan A should be more rock star than doormat.

What was his comment?

[/quote]

That comment your H made is exactly the sort of thing my H has done. A "joke" that is actually quite cruel.

I used the story above because we were with friends and my kids were there. I felt stuck. I couldn't just leave and it seemed awkward to ask him to take me home...

After I said the cider was a little sweet he said "wait, Coffeegirl thinks something is sweet?" In mock amazement, eye-rolling and with a sneer. He did not try to play it off or minimize it when we talked about it. He said he was annoyed and grouchy.

It doesn't sound like a big deal but he just wouldn't stop and I just don't want to be around him anymore.

He pretty much only does this stuff for an audience. If we were alone I would ask him to take me home.

Yes my ex did that too. Public humiliation because he felt I wouldn't address it.

I started to. A week after the quiz he started up when we were in a pub with friends. I got up and walked out without a word to anyone. My friends understood.

He called me shooting off and asking why and I said calmly 'It's not behaviour I am willing to be around'.

Nor married to.

What you describe is not a big deal but a huge deal.

x 2

My exWH would do the same to me. It is a HUGE LB. It seems like you minimize his lovebusters. Why do you do that?

I don't know if your H ever apologizes to you after he does these things but even if he does but refuses to STOP doing it again, the apology doesn't mean much. Do you ever get an apology or does he keep insisting it's just a joke?

cg, one thing I do notice in your posts is that you excuse your H's behavior because he is in a bad mood or grouchy. We all have our moody and grouchy days.

I just read that and burst into tears. The relief is so immense. I've spent so long trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix it. I'm a flawed person with stuff to work on. But I felt I must be hopelessly damaged that a little comment like that could hurt me so much.

Is it a DJ to feel like my H's behavior goes deeper than just an innocent bad habit? That it reflects contempt? Or something?

I saw your post to Dr. Harley. What did Sandy tell you? Has he even asked for a path home?

I agree with IG and BR, the things he does aren't small but huge issues.

I also wanted to give you a ((((coffeegirl)))).

I don't know if your H ever apologizes to you after he does these things but even if he does but refuses to STOP doing it again, the apology doesn't mean much. Do you ever get an apology or does he keep insisting it's just a joke?

cg, one thing I do notice in your posts is that you excuse your H's behavior because he is in a bad mood or grouchy. We all have our moody and grouchy days. [/quote]

He minimizes and apologizes. He has started realizing that it's a problem but he doesn't really understand why it hurts me and he thinks I'm too sensitive. The behavior has increased lately.