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There is a good thread here about it and it also has some questions you might consider including in your own list : Polygraph Testing
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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Actually I am still considering this. I need to look into the price.
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Things seem to be going good. We read together every night and he seems to be following through with things he says he'll do. We made plans for me to take over paying all the bills because he absolutely hates doing it. I just get nervous when things are going good because, I feel like there is still something lurking in the dark that will set is back to square 1. This is an illusion that things are going good. Recovery of your marriage is impossible as long as the OW is your neighbor. I don't know how to convince you of this. But all of these "efforts" are a waste of your time because your marriage will not make it until complete and total no contact takes place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Something that hasn't been revealed yet. That seems to be the only thing that keeps happening. You have a much bigger problem on the horizon. Focusing on this is a distraction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I don't know how to delete and remove everything off this thread or close it out but please be my guest. I am done talking on it and asking for help. I believe there is a great deal of information to help people but some of it is absolutely crazy. I will not lock my husband in a closet so no affair does ever happen again. I will not move away just to be unhappy and try and force my husband to love me and not have another affair. Some of these things that are being told are extremely unhealthy in a marriage! Yes my biggest pproblem was posting here and I'm done because obviously I will not get help from anyone until I move, which absolutely is not going to happen
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Yes my biggest pproblem was posting here and I'm done because obviously I will not get help from anyone until I move, which absolutely is not going to happen Please don't kill the messenger. I am TRYING to help you but you don't want to hear it. I am just telling you the truth. No one here is going to help you pretend you can recover your marriage while being a neighbor of the OW. You can't. I have been here for 14 years and cannot point to *ONE* marriage that ever made it under these conditions. But I can point to many, many marriages that did not make it because they did not heed this step. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience specializing in infidelity and he says "recovery is impossible" unless all contact ends. In order to go onto STEP TWO, you have to do STEP ONE. You have not done Step one. I won't help you pretend you have even begun recovery. You have not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We haven't had contact with her. She would always try and contact me because she wants my forgiveness. We don't even drive by her house anymore because they opened our entrance to the neighborhood. I don't believe anything that my husband and I are doing is for nothing. That's barbaric. She tried to do a Halloween party and the social committee shut it down and called it a home wreckers ball that will not be allowed. She will not live here much longer I believe.the affair was not a soul mate one, it was mainly talking about me and me not having sex. She was trying to convince my husband that I was having the affair. I have all the text and when you read them it sounds to me that they were both making up things to make it ok for them to be talking. My husband never meet her anywhere to have lunch or anything. He took her a birthday card with a iTunes gift card and put it on her car and that was it. I'm not downplaying the affair because it still hurts the same. I lost trust in him either way. I do believe I busted the affair before it got to meeting up part because she had asked him several times to work out with her. He never did.
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We haven't had contact with her. She is your neighbor - that is contact. Living right there by her keeps her top of mind and gives your husband every opportunity to resume his affair. It makes withdrawal impossible. You cannot go to STEP TWO until STEP ONE is completed. I am sorry, but you can't argue with reality. Recovery is impossible. Don't shoot the messenger.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HBL, Melody is being hard on you about moving because no contact can't possibly take place in reality with the OW living so close. I know you've already decided that moving is off the table, but you should educate yourself on what you're up against. The psychology of this is all very real and predictable I'm afraid. You're WAY underestimating how hard recovery really is. The easy part is ending the affair. You're looking at YEARS of work to fully recover from this. Please go read this thread: False Recovery Stories You're making more mistakes than just a move. The problem is you won't realize it until a year from now when everything seems to be going well.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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Do you know the homeowner of the house OW rents? Have you exposed to the homeowner and informed him/her that the entire neighborhood knows about this woman being a skank? If you're adamant about not moving, then you should at least try to get her to move. Until someone moves, this will be marital and triggerfest hell not recovery. Can you answer this please.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I do not know the home owner, but I do assume that they probably know, considering I did blast her affair to all the neighbors that have been here since the neighborhood has started.
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Melody is being hard on you about moving because no contact can't possibly take place in reality with the OW living so close. I just want to make the point that I am not being hard on her at all; I am being truthful and telling her exactly what Dr Harley tells people. Reality will be very hard on her when she finds her marriage does not recover because she lives by the OW. Some people have to lose everything to understand that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dear HeartBrokenLost:
The very best case scenario is for you and your family to move away from the area.
Second best (and by a mile), is for the OW to move away from the area. It is only second best because you and he will still be triggered with memories while still living in the area. These memories will keep at you like stabbing pains. Your health will be affected, and it doesn't take long for this, either.
Worst case scenario is for you not to move, and the OW not to move. In that case, you and your husband cannot escape the constant reminder of the A, and there is never an opportunity to heal your badly injured marriage.
Additionally, it is very easy to the A to resume, if there is ANY form of contact. Especially if, as you indicate is the case here, the OW is a very determined pursuer.
You cannot see this in the state you are in, having sustained a major blow to your life's foundation (your marriage.)
When I came to MB, I, like you, believed some of the things I was advised to do here were unnecessary. I was wrong. And in the process, I set myself up for false recovery. Which is much, MUCH worse than the initial betrayal.
Please listen to the advise you are being given. Please give yourself, your marriage, and your family the chance you all need for recovery.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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I chose personal recovery and even divorce is not an option because you as a person will not recover living near her. You are in great pain and it doesn't stop until you are not looking over your shoulder and getting news about her.
We had a feisty and beloved poster who died young after enduring the drama of affairville instead of taking care of herself.
You can be happy anywhere.
It's sad that even after demonstrating he has no control with her you expect it.
It's AA with alcohol.
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/08/15 11:34 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We're not doing personal recovery. We als o go to marriage counseling I know you guys are all against MC but him and I both love our counselor and she has helped very much. Neither him nor I have ever knew how a marriage is supposed to be and she works with us on that. We don't just sit and talk we Have activities we do in her office. It opens our eyes on why we have/do things.
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My husband and I are not the type to follow one thing word for word. We do our research and do many things and take a little bit from each thing, then create a path that works for us. Just because it worked for you dosent mean it's right and will work for us.. I know myself better than anyone and moving is absolutely the wrong thing for me. I will not live with hate in my heart. I am a very forgiving person and I will forgive ow one day. I will not allow her actions to control the way I feel.
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We're not doing personal recovery. We als o go to marriage counseling I know you guys are all against MC but him and I both love our counselor and she has helped very much. Neither him nor I have ever knew how a marriage is supposed to be and she works with us on that. We don't just sit and talk we Have activities we do in her office. It opens our eyes on why we have/do things. If your counselor understands how to save marriages from infidelity, then he will be telling you to move at every session. If he doesn't, then he does not know what he is doing and is feeding the illusion that you are in recovery. Persuading you to move should be kept on the front burner until you take action, because nothing else will save your marriage. You are on the sinking Titanic and are focusing on upgrading the curtains while the sink ships.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When I came to MB, I, like you, believed some of the things I was advised to do here were unnecessary. I was wrong. And in the process, I set myself up for false recovery. Which is much, MUCH worse than the initial betrayal. This is what I want you to hear. This is your biggest weakness right now!
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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Joined: Nov 2012
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If your counselor understands how to save marriages from infidelity, then he will be telling you to move at every session. If he doesn't, then he does not know what he is doing and is feeding the illusion that you are in recovery.
Persuading you to move should be kept on the front burner until you take action, because nothing else will save your marriage. You are on the sinking Titanic and are focusing on upgrading the curtains while the sink ships. I think this is a topic you should perhaps explore some. Nobody says you have to agree, but it would be interesting to know exactly how the infidelity is being addressed if you're willing to share.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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Joined: Dec 2014
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Fight the fight I am NOT moving! There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to me to make me move. I know myself better than anyone and is moving is wrong! You can not choose the same path that everyone else chose And expect the same outcome.
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