That's very, very encouraging.

I've never spotted a discrepancy or dishonesty...

H only gaslights me about my feelings...about his actions or lack of action.

Like I said, not sure about the gaslighter's mind, I'm more clued in regarding the effects on yours.

He may truly believe your feelings are excessive, (lots of men do) and that your expectations need to be managed.

That's still mind control though, however you slice it.

Gaslighting IS dishonesty.

The aim is to make you unsure of your own perception using dishonesty such as contradiction or being vague (withholding radical honesty)

Then the gaslighter becomes the only person you rely on for the 'truth' because you don't trust yourself.

He is radically honest about his behavior and whereabouts and his feelings about most things. He is completely dishonest about his feelings towards me, about me etc. This is partly my fault and partly due to some weird stuff from the past where his feelings were/are literally unacceptable...(like feeling that my post-baby body was solely responsible for his depression when I was a size 4...as opposed to simply wishing/desiring that I lose the baby weight etc.

When I was pregnant he got the opportunity to tour with an awesome band for 7 weeks. I sobbed every day asking him not to go. He was stone cold and adamant about going. He had to miss it because I delivered at 6 months and he couldn't leave with a baby that could die any day. He was very resentful of me and expressed that. I did not tolerate him expressing those feelings to me after a while.

Stuff like that. It isn't always safe for him to express his feelings.

Should I read anything into the fact that he hasn't tried to reach out or say anything kind or apologized or anything at all? Or is that a reasonable state of affairs considering that i asked him to leave?

I just think it's an extension of the controlling behaviours. You are not doing what's expected so you're punished.

You've said when you tried imposing your own will with SF he got nasty so this is a similar punishment for independent thought technique.

Of course that's what we've all done with love busters. Gaslighting is abuse just like the others, it's just harder to spot because it's subtle and relentless.

My xwh did it for years. It was at a much lower level before his affair. Scenario A, where he was taking every opportunity to bust my chops was post-infidelity. Pre-A it was more about protecting his right to do what he wished and other dishonesties like financial infidelity.

At those stages it was stuff like sulking for days or mocking me whenever I objected to IB until I realised how 'unreasonable' it was.

I see you taking about reasonableness a lot. Who cares?

You aren't impressed. You are upset.

Own your own feelings instead of feeling they need to be approved.

I'm sorry but you don't seriously think YOU were the one creating an unsafe situation here?

You shouldn't have tolerated one utterance of such thoughtless and callous behaviour.

Never mind 'after a while!'

You couldn't tolerate it because it was love busting of a variety of types.

It's not lovebusting to say he can't do that. Or to say he can't abandon his family to run off with the circus.

I don't think I was wrong I just wanted to explain that he had thoughts and feelings that he wasn't safe expressing. It was a situation where he had thoughts and feelings that, if he expressed them honestly, would have caused me to leave him.

I actually think I was right. He's got quite a few unacceptable thoughts and feelings. It gets into DJ territory...

And I've committed plenty of DJs.

I have no idea what is reasonable.

Should I reach out to him? Hold tight? My instinct is to escalate but I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea.

In one way you're right. Type B resentment is still resentment yet it wasn't wise to express it because it's a horrendous love buster to whine about IB when your baby is fighting for life as it will force your wife to wake up and leave you.

I'd say unwise, not unsafe though.

Your setting a boundary is actually protecting safety. Allow abuse and eventually you will have to abuse back.

Saying stop it or I'll leave is the only way to avoid abuse.

My feeling is

Stay close to the ground and don't reach out to your H. Don't communicate or give anything away. If he contacts you just stick to your monosyllabic 'don't know' line.

Ask Dr H for guidance on next steps.

You know.....

I've been thinking about this and it makes no sense that your husband would not have another sexual outlet of some description.











It would be pathetically easy for him to scratch the sexual itch without your knowledge. A burner phone hidden somewhere would do.

He feels entitled to it, feels he needs it on tap and is not in the least constrained by your opinions or feelings. As you discovered while your baby was premature.

Mr Nice Guy was adamant he was doing porn at least when you started your first thread.

Yeah, maybe.

He texted me to ask me about him talking to his parents. He's going to tell him we are separating. He said he wasn't able to do what he needs to do.

Isn't it interesting how he texts you for joint agreement to tell his parents, yet the reason you are separated is his IB and lack of caring about your feelings? Hre is still calling your bluff with this and I would guess that he wants to tell his psrents that it was you who wants the divorce. "Mom and Dad, I have tried everything and see how I am the powerless victim?

This is about control. Not his wanting to control you, but for him to control himself from changing, and to put the label of controller on you.

It's a tough problem because a lot of this behavior is second nature or was modelled in his FOO. Not that it's okay. Just the blame game. Blaming you for upsetting his status quo.

How have his parents responded in the past? Do you think that exposing to them would help or hurt?

I would email him instead of talking to him about your relationship or logistics. If/when you decide to see him, make it about dating like a date should be.

Is he staying with his parents?

I also think he has a different outlet for SF, whether it is porn or another woman. Even if he allows you to look at his devices he could be clearing everything to keep you off his tracks.

Do you have any spyware on his devices? You don't know what he's doing until you see what he's typing and viewing.

Yes to the porn x3.

(Especially after his comments about your post baby body. He objectifies not just your body, but you (and women) in general. It's his world view. He's a renter.

On the other hand, many porn addicts turn to self-sex and your husband preferred you, but under his own conditions.

How do you know he doesn't want to reconcile? Do you?

I talked to his parents first. I told them that he wasn't willing to work on the marriage. He met with them afterwards and told them the same thing.

In a text conversation today he said that life/kids/stress/exhaustion just get in the way of him being able to work on stuff. It's just too hard. this has been part of the story all along. I've been telling him for a long time that he has to work on things with me or I won't stay married. Here we are.

We POJA lots of stuff just fine. We only have a problem when he thinks his way is the obvious way or if POJA gets in the way of doing what he wants to do.

Do you want to reconcile?