My H and I have been seperated for almost three months. He seems to want his cake and to eat it too. He has kept a foot in this relationship while having another relationship with the OW. Would it be wise to push the issue, say give him a time frame to make a decision? I am so tired of this. I am ready for it to be over, one way or the other. Of course I want my marriage to work, but not at the risk of losing my self respect. Any thoughts on this subject? Has anyone else tried this? What happened? <P>------------------<BR>To Thine Own Self Be True<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ<BR>

Have you tried the Plan A - Plan B approach on Dr. Harley's pages? It's probably the best bet if you aren't ready to let him go.<P>If you are, I would suggest don't say anything you don't have to. Just let him go and get on with your life. That is often a terribly effective motivator. But it doesn't always work out like you might hope. He might think that's just great and stay where he is, you might find somebody else, or he might come back but not until long after you give up. More outcomes than you can shake a stick at and no way to tell.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by nonplused (edited November 08, 1999).]

Viki,<P>You've posted many times before...<BR>Maybe it is time for <B>Plan B</B>! If your serious about having no more contact... this seems to be a very hard step for most... but maybe it's time for you. If you are <B>losing love for you H</B>... then consider it carefully. Your depression may have speeded your need for this stage. Follow the outline of the Plan B letter from "Surviving an Affair"... it is very good and many have used it with just very little variations. It is not meant to be a love buster... just something to protect yourself... and maybe some of your self respect too!<P>My prayers are with you. <BR>Keep us posted on your progress.<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Hi Viki,<P>With our second seperatation I threatened time limits. They came and went without any decision. I then threatened divorce and the W came back pronto.<P>We promised to be the perfect H and W. That lasted a whole hour or two. Didn't know about this site. Wish I would have.<P>This our third seperation with her affair out in the open. I had tapped the phone lines and found very incriminating evidence. I have tried everything under the sun. Even went as far as getting the divorce papers ready. She is still waffling. Doesn't know what to do. Looks like this is the route that we will take.<BR>Papers will be ready to be signed in mid January. Divorce will be final around Valentines day 2000.<P>I have moved on. I have regained my self respect. I really like me! I got the "life" back that she sucked out of me.<P>Ultimatums and time lines don't seem to work or maybe temorarily. The only thing is changing your ways and attitude. Val won't even give me the chance this time around to show her the "new and improved me". Too bad, she looses out on a GREAT partner. I have found someone new who IS interested in a relationship.<P>No, I am NOT engaged in an affair. I have told "new one" that I am still legally and morally married. That NOTHING physical or emotional will happen. I am not ready mentally for that anyway for a long while. We are dating as just "friends". Sound familiar? But, this is the truth for me. It's great, we don't expect anything out of each other. After a fantastic date we part our ways and go to our own homes. No anxiety, should I kiss her? give her a hug? does she want more? No we enjoy the time we spend together. We are building a very strong foundation should this go any further.<P>Don't know if this helps. But It works for me! Take care of yourself, you deserve it!<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

Viki:<P>Ultimatums are NOT for the faint of heart. Don't issue one unless you're prepared to live with a disappointing decision. Dr. Harley doesn't advise you issue them at all, but human nature being what it is, I can see your desire to end this NOW.<P>In the spirit of sharing, let me tell you what I did. When I found out about W's affair, I <I>did</I> issue an ultimatum. I told her I wouldn't put up with it, and that while I loved her more than anything, I was prepared to divorce her if she wanted to play that game. It worked for me because I was truly sincere (and because W was immediately repentent).<P>If you've got a spouse that's really conflicted, an ultimatum might be just what they need to get pushed all the way out the door. On the other hand, if he really doesn't want to lose you, then an ultimatum might be the wake up call he needs.<P>The real question is this: What are YOU prepared to live with? If you're going to make him choose, be prepared for him to choose her, because it can happen.<P>I don't envy your situation. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for you.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Viki,<P>I agree with the advice that you have gotten here. If you are prepared for it to be over, one way or another, I think it is time for Plan B.<BR>It is difficult at first, but I think the time has come for you to take care of yourself and child.<BR>Your h is confused. He doesn't know what he is doing, and apparently your Plan A isn't working right now.<BR>I say, if you're ready, do the Plan B. Send him the letter, see if you can get someone to be the go between for his visitations. That was a mistake that I made in Plan B. Now, my parents are acting as the go between and all of my H and my communication is e-mail.<P>Good luck to you. I am praying for you as always.<P>Cheryl<P>you can e-mail me if you want to .<BR>cc7315@yahoo.com

Read ... Love Must Be Tough<BR>By James Dobson<BR>But be ready like every one said. it can go either way!<BR>My h was like that and I simply couldn't take it! I am a control freak that hates surprises. I would have rather him left me and told me he was going to soe his oats, than lie to me and me be blindsided with the truth! I can't stand to dangle from a thread and not have direction.<BR>If you are like me, then plan b and the principles from Dr Dobson's book will be easier for you!<BR>Hang in There!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Thank you all so very much. I have been Plan Aing to death. And although we are nice to each other, there has been no movement one way or the other. I have been working so hard on myself and I really like the person I am becoming. I wish he would give me a chance and get to know the new me. He won't talk about us, about them,nothing. I think you are all right, I will go to plan B. This will be hard, but so far nothing about any of this has been easy. Thank you again for all your input, you have been a world of help.

Viki-you've had so much good advice-the little bit I have to offer only re-enforces what others have told you. Ultimatums seem to be down the line of love busting (not good!) I did one major love bust, the first, last and only time, the night I found out about the affair and told him to chose. He choose me and I made him tell her good bye. I wasn't at this site at that time but I found it did work, but maybe because I had NEVER acted that way toward him before. Anyhow, I would suggest plan B. It helps you keep that person you are beginning to like so well. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Betrayers that won't give up the affair at discovery are unlikely to give it up in the middle of the romantic phase. This is not really about the two of you, but about the two of them. The addiction is hard to break and in these situations, I think it's only broken when one of the two of them no longer wants it.<P>So if you issue an ultimatum now, be prepared for one of three likely outcomes: 1) no decision at all (most likely), 2) a commitment to end the affair that the betrayer won't live up to, or 3) a "no" answer. The least likely response is an honest commitment to end things. In fact, I'll put that at about 5% chance. If the strength and willingness to do this existed, he would have done it at discovery.<P>I'm basically telling you there's nothing you can do to end his affair. All you can do is wait. Until it's over, your efforts don't count much. So wait in the way that's most comfortable for you. If that's Plan B, go there.