Hi MB,

On December 16 my wife told me over the course of an evening that she loved me but wasn't in love with me and that she had cheated on me twice with her "just a friend" from the gym. Prior to that it had been a brief EA.

We've been together for 8 years, married for 2. Our relationship was wonderful for the first 7 years, but fell on hard times over the last year beginning when she quit her job. In many ways she stopped trying, I became depressed over the state of our relationship (subconsciously), and we fed off each other's emotional states until it came to a head.

When she told me I immediately said she needed to end contact with him and that I wanted to go to MC. She ended contact and we began seeing a marriage counselor.

After a week in the same house my wife said that she wanted to separate to figure things out, and although the MC advised against this she said that my wife had become fixated on the idea and that she believed she could not get past her anger without this. I reluctantly agreed. She moved into her brother's basement.

It was like a weight had come off of her, and the first week we were separated we texted daily and saw each other for Christmas. On Christmas we got along really well, were very affectionate to each other, and she found a reason to get me into her bedroom and on her bed. There we talked about things and held each other, and even kissed at one point although we both agreed it was too soon. Later, we ended up on her bed again, talking and holding each other. When I left that night, she walked me to my truck and cried, saying letting me go home alone was the hardest thing she's ever done. She asked me to text her when I got home. I did, and we talked over text for an hour.

The following MC session my wife was venting her anger and said that she was only texting with me because she thought I would feel bad otherwise (I don't believe this entirely). The MC said we were communicating way too much. She suggested a week where we saw each other one day for a pre-planned outing. We agreed.

That week we stopped texting but ended up seeing each other twice. Once when I said I needed to talk to her (where I told her I was going to fight for our marriage but I needed her to meet me halfway) and the next time four days later when she started coming into the house at 5:30 in the morning before I could even open the door. She had written a 10-page letter about everything on her mind. 1-2 pages were about herself, 2-3 were about me, and 5 were about the OM.

Apparently she had been trying all week to see the OM. The first time he saw her but said he needed space, and that he was dealing with a lot of stuff and wasn't seeing friends then. But then he saw other friends. So he was clearly trying to blow her off. She persisted and it finally ended with her driving while on Valium (!) to his apartment and knocking repeatedly on his door. He threatened to call the police. After telling me this, she said she wasn't comfortable seeing me for our pre-planned outing later that day.

The next MC session, we discussed all of this and I believe the MC helped my WW see that the OM is really a manipulative jerk. However the MC said she thinks 2 weeks of no communication would be best. I think the reasoning is that it would give my W some time to remember the good things about our relationship and miss me, and also "de-tox" from the OM. When the two weeks is over, we would reconvene as normal (MC once a week, pre-planned outing once a week).

My wife has told me on a few occasions that she misses me, or that she was thinking about me. She still says "I love you", although she does not mean it romantically. We hug and kiss each other on the cheek. We still hold hands at times. We care about each other a great deal and she's said that if she loses me it would be "as bad as losing Daddy" (her dad died when she was 9 years old). I think she believes that the best course of action would be to divorce but remain best friends. I've made it clear that can't happen.

We both agree that she needs IC. I finally got her to realize that she has some issues outside of our issues, and that she needs to sort those out. She thinks she needs time away from me in order to do that.

At this point I'm concerned about the level of communication between us. I'm not sure why the MC thinks that we've got to limit our communication. It seems to me that the only way to rebuild our relationship is by spending time together, and that if we spend too much time apart it will only putting more emotional distance between us and there will be no opportunity to rebuild our marriage.

On the other hand, I want to respect my wife's request for space. For this period I have been following the rules and not communicating with her, except for a brief text message the day she started going back to school at the nearby state university to say how proud I am of her starting there and wishing her good luck in her classes and her new part-time job.

The time apart has given me some emotional distance and perspective on our relationship--good and bad, perhaps.

Today I emailed the MC to ask her to explain her strategy for reconciliation to me. But what do you guys think?

Hi Sideways, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The reason your wife wants "space" is so she can carry on her affair. If you will do some investigating, you will find that she is in an active affair. She doesnt' need "counseling," she needs to end her affair. But that will not happen until you get the evidence and expose it to everyone.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret helps the fantasy thrive. Exposure is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high! Please go read the exposure thread in my signature for suggestions on how to expose it.

Dr. Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in infidelity for 40 years and here is what he says:

Sorry, I realize this was unclear. It's already exposed to nearly everyone (many in the family, many friends). The nail in the coffin was, I believe, when she melted down on his doorstep and he threatened to call the police if she didn't leave immediately.

To whom was it exposed?

Have you personally spoken to the OM to find out the status of the affair?

Parents, siblings, friends of the family, many of our friends, all of her friends. She has voluntarily told many people as well.

Gotcha. Have you spoken to the OM personally to find out the status of the affair? Did you personally tell her parents?

No. I'm not interested in speaking to him, and I wouldn't believe anything he says, anyway.

My WW's pattern is to lie to me and then come completely clean shortly thereafter. The events I'm describing happened last week, but she was very obviously ashamed of her crazy/needy behavior.

Her dad is dead. I am very close with her mother; lately we've been talking regularly.

What is the status of the affair? Do you know for certain?

Well, I am very confident that what she has told me about the status is the truth. He is no longer interested in her--basically, she made herself look like a crazy woman and he wanted to have nothing to do with her. She was very agitated about this when she told me, and she was clearly upset about this in her letter and in MC. She was of two minds about the OM (that he was a jerk but that she kept thinking about him). The MC, I believe, helped her see him for what he is, but I don't know if she's "de-toxed" completely yet.

She is probably very addicted to the OM and will try to get him back. Just so you know, marriage counselors know very little about infidelity and are typically destructive when there has been an affair. The reason is because they don't understand the FOG that the wayward spouse experiences and as such, tend to validate destructive ideas, such as "space." The advice that Dr Harley gives is very, very different from traditional marriage counselors and he has a much greater success record.

For example:
Not being in communication with your wife while she withdraws from the OM is a strategic mistake. The reason is because you need to be there meeting her needs and replacing the OM as she withdraws. If you are not there, she will seek someone to fill that gap, and it will likely be the OM. You can't fix your marriage if you are not there.

Your wife won't miss you because she had already checked out of the marriage. She was already detached, so MORE detachment won't be the solution.

That is what I have been thinking. I don't understand the strategy the MC is trying to use, if any. I have contacted the MC about it specifically; we'll see if she has a good answer.

I sent a text to my wife saying I want to get her thoughts on the marriage counselor and asked when a good time to call would be. I don't know that she'd be willing to change at this point, however, as I feel the MC has validated some of her wants (like separation) and given them the veneer of validity.

Just know that Dr. Harley would not agree with this strategy. It doesn't help your marriage.


I agree. And you can see the problem with marriage counseling: they give validity to marriage wrecking ideas.

If i were you, I would stop going to counseling altogether. You don't need counseling to save your marriage. Instead, download Surviving an Affair, by Dr Harley, on kindle for PC's and follow the program outlined there.

After reading halfway through the book (I already had a copy but had not yet read it), I suspect the MC was not convinced the affair was over (at least in my WW's heart), based on my WW throwing up roadblocks to reconciliation in therapy. No contact between the spouses IS recommended in the book as a way to end the fantasy. Only once the affair is definitely over should we have lots of regular contact.

That is not Marriage Builders advice for men and like I said, I don't think the marriage counselor understands how to save marriages. The most effective thing you can do to save your marriage is hang in there and fight for it. "Space" only helps the affair so that is very unstrategic advice.

What you should be doing now is Plan A, which is intended for ongoing affairs. In Plan A, you cause as much conflict in the affair as possible while presenting yourself as the very best option. *IF* the affair does not die in 2 years, THEN you should go into Plan B, which is a dark separation with no contact. But you should not do that now.

Plan A must precede Plan B so the that WS has a good memory of the spouse before he goes dark. Plan B is not a plan to get a spouse back [it doesn't] but a plan to protect the emotional and physical health of the BS. It is initiated by a letter outlining a path back to the marriage.

Whom did you expose to on OM's side?

No one. I don't know him, where he lives, or anyone in his circle. They met at the gym.

Oh, I misunderstood. How am I to cause conflict when he is single and I don't know him? It seems like my WW already soured that relationship by being too clingy.

The MC has also been good in some ways (helping us understand causes, etc.) and she advocates for me with my WW in a lot of ways. Assuming the affair is over, if my WW was feeling suffocated and asking for space, isn't it hurting my case to ignore that request?