My husband is involved in an affair.
I am a 45 year old woman, my husband is 46. We have four children ranging in age from 18 to 25. We have been together for 30 years (yes, that means since we were 14 and 15) We will �celebrate� (?) our 25th wedding anniversary in April. For the most part, we have had what others (family and friends) have described as a �legendary marriage�. There have been some down times, of course, but nothing like this.
We did go through a major trauma about 5 years ago, where we thought we were going to call it quits, but had been working since then to straighten things out. That situation did not involve an affair on either side, but it did involve some major changes and some major adjustments. It was something we both thought was a great journey to a stronger marriage. Until now.

A little back story, that I think is important�
My husband had a heart attack in 2011. Then was gravely injured in 2012. The labour board here decided to retire him (he was a mechanic and a firefighter) after the injury and he was given two choices�1) take a job as a stockboy/customer service rep or 2) take a re-education program for another career. Because my husband has a strong work ethic and a great sense of family and community, he opted for #2. Together we made the decision for him to take on a career as a teacher and over the last three years we have both been steadily working to get him there. This past September he entered University for his last year of a bachelor�s degree in education.

University meant him moving away from home for nine months as the school is about 7 hours from our home. (At the same time, our two youngest were also entering their first years at University) I was unable to move with him as we live on a small hobby farm, with livestock, and there was no way we could both be absent.

So, as you can probably imagine, the other woman is a classmate.

As I am writing this today, here is where things stand�
The affair has been going on since at least mid-November.
It has had a huge impact on our family, because of his recent (and stereotypical for cheaters) behaviour. Our holiday season was a complete disaster as he behaved much like a cheater would.
I have all of the evidence I need�dates and times they were together, a digital history of their relationship, thanks to a walkie-talkie service that we use to communicate which records our locations to within 3 feet (this is actually how my suspicions started growing as the service would often show him at this odd location)
I have a history of every time he was at her apartment, even for overnight stays, which, yes, there were overnight stays.
I did some investigating, found out she was staying in a suite at a bed and breakfast while she was away from her family going to school. I have seen photos on the B&B�s website of the inside of her suite (this is something I looked into when my suspicions became a mountain instead of a molehill)
And then, my husband sent me a photo via text message.
I recognized the room he was in in the picture as a room in her suite.

On this passed Monday, I confronted him (albeit over the phone as we are 7 hours away from each other) He did not deny anything. Other than sex with her. He admitted to everything and his honesty poured out of him like a waterfall. I did get the �we�re just friends� line, which at this moment, I am deciding whether to accept as a way of moving forward. He explained that his staying over was a result of him having a few beers while hanging out, and uncomfortable about driving back to his own apartment (this fits with his character) But there was major lies and deceit about the whole situation over the last six weeks or so, and in all aspects, it is definitely an affair. It may not be a sexual one, but I believe that is probably just because I caught it early enough.

He and I have been working for several days to put pieces back together. Trying to come to grips with why and how this happened (with both of us taking some responsibility) I am having a hard time with the deceit and the secrecy, and also the mistreatment from him towards myself and our kids over the past six weeks�but we�ll get to that later.

I was also in touch with the OW.

I emailed her Wednesday afternoon, I decided that one thing I needed, if I was going to heal, was her response and reaction to being "busted".
My husband sent her an email Wednesday morning that simply stated that he had become conscious that their relationship, in all aspects, is an affair, and he asked that they have no further contact. She did not email him back. (Thankfully)
I contacted her in the afternoon (she did not go to class) I described the risk their relationship was placing on both of our families, I elaborated on why this would be considered an affair, and I appealed to her better judgement in doing the right thing.
She emailed me several hours later, after what she says was a long period of reflection. During that time, she contacted her husband and discussed the situation with him, and together they agreed this was an affair. She apologized profusely. She told me that she completely understood my feelings, that it is apparent to her now that something they had thought was "innocent" was infact an affair that just had never reached a point of sexual intimacy. Whether it did, or would have reached that point is unknown. They both say no, she and my husband say they were just friends who hit it off very well, they liked filling each other's time away from their spouses, they actually felt safe doing so, and that every night he had spent at her apartment was because they had been drinking. She explained that most of their time together through the week was spent doing homework, and that any social time spent together was merely a venue to unwind after long drives back to school at the end of the weekend. (Part of me wonders if her explanation is simply an attempt to save her own [censored] in her own marriage, but for the most part, I believe her)
She apologized and validated how I was feeling, at the end of her email I felt very justified and vindicated. She had taken the issue to her husband, they had come to the same conclusions and she promised to refrain from all contact with my husband. She says she is also willing to field any issues I may have while coming to terms with this all.

Now I am left balancing what I believe. Whether they did in fact have sex is still a nagging nettle in my heart. If not a sexual affair, then an emotional/personal one, but an affair nonetheless. Now, I am left dealing with the deception, the mistreatment, the disaster that is my family, kids included, and trying to heal. Now I am left coming to terms with being okay with this. (We've been having a bumpy ride for a few years, we've both been under a lot of stress, we've both been lonely over the last few months, he's been away on his own, with freedoms and opportunities, does any of this make it "understandable"?) Now I am left with how this all makes me feel about myself.

I desperately want to heal, one way or another. The reason I think I can put all of the what-ifs and what-weres in a lead box and bury it and build a garden over it is because I don't ever want to live it again. I want to bury it, and never be exposed to it again, by myself or my husband, because it hurts too much, I do not want to relive this every time we feel sad or get drunk or have a disagreement, it's too hard.
And, I love my husband. I want to share in his successes. I want to support him in his failures. Even this one. Learning from it, growing from it, building on it, just feels like the right thing to do.

So where do I go from here? As of today, he is home, and we have made arrangements for the farm to be taken care of for a week so that I can go stay with him at school during that time.
Total separation from the OW is not possible at this time, because they are classmates, and dropping out of school would have a huge impact on our future, if we are to stay together (he only has 4 months to go until graduation) And my moving there is also impossible.

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? Unfortunately, the MB program is not in the budget. So I�m appealing to you all.

When he came home last night, I was hoping for HUGE apologies, I wanted comfort, I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and explain how sorry he was, I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness. It didn�t happen, was it too much to ask?

I am open to all conversation here, but please know that my main intention is to heal, and hopefully move on with my marriage.

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry to hear about these events in your marriage.

It's obvious that you know something about the MB approach to affairs, because you mention not having the budget to do the - I presume online or telephone - programme. If you know know anything about it, you must know the basic tenets about dealing with an affair: for an affair to end and a marriage to recover, there must be total and permanent separation from the OP; you and your spouse must spend all nights together; and the affair must be exposed, to your and your H's close families, including your children, and to the OP's spouse.

You have done none of these things, and the affair - which is sexual - is still in full swing. You are in for a world more heartbreak when you discover later that your H and this woman are basically living together, that she has never told her spouse the things she says she has told him, that they have no intention of breaking up and that he lied to your face and continued to lie every second since D Day.

Please don't try to dispute what I say. I've seen too many hundreds of affairs on this board with exactly this kind of situation - a married OW, a husband who has another life when he is away from home - where he met her, contrition and lies about the extent of the relationship, the "impossibility" of his ending his job or course and moving home for good, a phone call from OW that convinces you that she is sincere and did not see her relationship as wrong - it was a good friendship - I've seen too many of these to have any hope that your husband's is any different. I've seen it in my own marriage, and the only solution to their physical contact was for my H to give up his travelling job and take a pay cut, and the only solution to their 5 more years of phone-call contact was for him to take early retirement.

Dr Harley has seen thousands of these cases and he wrote the rules based on them. You need to

• demand that your H never goes back to the course. He can look into transferring credits to a local institution, or he can abandon the course. It does not matter. He can never be in the vicinity of the affair ever again, not for one day.
• Contact her H directly - do not leave a message on a telephone - and expose the affair to him. He has not been told anything about this, except perhaps that her friend at college has a nut-job wife who is accusing OW of having an affair with her (your) husband. Do not tell your H you intend to do this, and especially, do not ask his permission. Just do it without warning.
• Expose the affair to your children and both parents and siblings. Again, do this unilaterally, without warning.

When this is done and he agrees never to go near the college again, he needs to send a No Contact (NC) letter to OW. If he will not do this willingly before his next day at college, you need to tell him to leave the home, and go to Plan B.

OKB,
You have definitely come to the right place, if you truly want to recover from this tragedy, and rebuild not only a better marriage, but a great marriage. There are many people here that have gone through similar things. There is not a lot of traffic on here during the weekends, but the vetrans will give you the best advice. I can give you a few quick tips, of things that I know they will say.

1.) There is a 99.9% chance that this was a physical affair. all Waywards will lie to the bitter end about it being physical. Until you snoop, and gather evidence that proves it was a PA, they will never fess up. I have seen many stories on here where the BS(betrayed spouse) refused to believe that it was a PA(physical affair), only to find out later that it indeed was.

2.) It is true, that you have caught this fairly early, but the most important thing to you right now, is to "Kill" the affair, and the only way to do this the right way, is to bring this into the light. Exposure is the single most important thing in killing the affair. In my situation, I denied and resisted exposure for months. I used all the excuses in the book, as to why my situation was different, and that I could trust my WW(Wayward Wife) to do the right thing, and end it. After a few months of members of this board telling me that without exposure, the affair would become hidden more, and become more entrenched, I began to see signs, that if I did nothing, that once things settled down, the affair would be on again right back where it was. I finally exposed my wife and her boss in the workplace, and I have no doubt that the affair would have continued if I would not have done this. The thing I feared the most, turned out to be the single most important thing to truly starting on a path to recovery.

Go read some other threads on this board, and when you come across one of Melody Lane's posts, she has an exposure link in "Red" font. You should read it and take it very seriously. You need to talk to the OW(other woman's) husband yourself, because chances are he really does not have clue. It does not matter what she told you she said to him. It is unbelievable the lies Waywards will tell. After 18 years of marriage to my wife, I don't think she ever lied or was dishonest to me. She was the most honest humble person I had ever known. Once she decided that she needed to hide her relationship with her boss, she began to lie to me over and over again, and when I say Lie, I am talking look me in the eyes and swear on her life type lying. Your husband is addicted to the way this OW makes him feel, and he will promise you the world, to get you to quite down so that he can continue his affair, only this time he will be much more careful to hide the altercations. This is when the affair becomes more entrenched. That is why Exposure is so important. It is imperitive that you talk to her husband personally, and I don't mean through email, because the OW could intercept these emails and pretend to be the husband. You need to personally talk to him on the phone.

3.)Go through the material Dr. Harley has on the sight, and learn everything you can. Become a sponge, and soak in all that you can. He is amazing, and if you will follow the rules and guidlines he lays out, you absolutely can recover this marriage, and actually have a better more romantic marriage then you could ever imagine.

4.) last thing that is very important, is keep coming back to your thread over and over, and try your very best to do what the vetrans advise. They truly do care about all betrayed spouses that come here, and they truly have empathy for what you are going through, because they have lived it. Some of the things they will advise may seem harsh, but if you are serious about recovery, they are so important.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

SugarCane has hit on everything so please read her advice thoroughly.

Please read this and you must contact her H, because she is probably lying about talking to him. Exposure 101

Please read all of these Start Here First-SAA

I also agree that their affair was sexual. I'm sorry, but men don't spend the night at her room and it not be sexual.

I would have him take a polygraph.

Please buy the book Surviving an Affair.

Also please get tested for STDs.

Before I submitted my reply, it looks like Sugercane was able to chime in. That is what I mean when I say Vetran. These are people that have watched almost identical situations to yours unfold over and over again. The marriages that recover are the ones that listen to their advice. I have personally seen a lot of situations on here where BS's think there situations is different, and they take shortcuts, only to come back months later describing how the affair has become much more full blown.

Thank you all so much for responding!
I think I should clarify that when I say I "believe" them about the sex, it was a conscious decision to choose to believe them. I don't entirely believe them, I've stayed extremely openminded in my approach, going with an "absolutely anything is possible here" mindset. It means that while on the inside I am holding on to the .1% chance that they haven't had sex, on the outside, and in my rationality in dealing with this, I am going on the context that there is a 99.9% chance that they have. Does that make sense? In all of my discussions with my H, I have told him that I "know" it was a sexual relationship and that there is nothing he could say to convince me otherwise.

I think the reason I feel the way I do about the sex is because I am willing to put my relationship back together whether or not they have had sex. After all these years I was not about to become a wife who packed up and walked away at the first major mistake. When it all came to light, and regardless of the anger and hurt, I honestly had a moment where I thought to myself "yep, I can totally see how and why this happened". Not that I'm justifying it really, but I do have a certain level of understanding for the circumstances. The fact that they have had sex is *almost* irrelevant, and as far as I am concerned, it is the least of all evils here.
I find myself more concerned with solving the problems that caused it, rebuilding my family and coming to terms with the fact that I AM willing to move forward (rather then run screaming from the building destroying all in my wake)

I have gone over this site steadily since Dday. At first, I wondered "how am I going to deal with the pain", and through Dr. Harvey, and many people on this board, I found the answers. (the forum is overwhelming, there are sooo many people in my position, my heart broke for each one with every story I read) It is because of this site that I am trying to keep some sort of rationality, I felt like I wanted to mend my marriage, MB gave me the confidence to do it.

Through this site, I was prepared for all the "lines" I was going to hear from them...I re-read my original post and it sure does sound like I might be a little delusional, please let me assure you I am not! I think I'm just prepared and have made decisions as to how I am going to cope with each issue along the way.

The exposure has already started, I have forwarded a detailed list of dates/times/situations and circumstances to the people that I trust to support me, it is out in the open at their school among their classmates (I know this because I am here, at the school now) contact with her husband will happen, but it is my decision to inform all of my children first and that can not be completed at this time (for reasons I cannot discuss) It may sound fluffy, but I will not have them blindsided by the circumstances if anything were to escalate.

Is it odd that during the period of exposure no one got angry? One constant thing I've read on this site is that during exposure, the WH and OW will become enraged when you start telling people. Even in Melody Lane's great post, and words from Dr. Harvey say that my husband would be FURIOUS with the exposure.
He has not become angry at all. He has accepted everything I have done as a step toward healing. And not just with his words, but also with his actions over the last few days. It was his decision to bring me to his school so that we could be in each other's presence, he was the first one to mention dropping out of University to just come home and work it out (I am the one who is against that) He has admitted that he will miss the OW, but there has not been a moment of anger from him at all.

Is any of this a good thing, or does it just sound like I'm making excuses?

It reads as if you haven't read my post at all, and certainly as if you have no intention of taking Dr Harley's (NOT Harvey) advice.

Your attitude today is highly puzzling to me. You came here yesterday asking for help with these events, but today you have come back telling us what you are prepared to do - very little of it having anything to do with Dr Harley's advice. You have exposed to "the people that I trust to support me", but you do not say who they are. Do they include his parents and siblings? You are giving the impression that this is your business and not ours - but then why come here asking for help?

You write "it is my decision to inform all of my children first and that can not be completed at this time (for reasons I cannot discuss) It may sound fluffy, but I will not have them blindsided by the circumstances if anything were to escalate."

You will "have them blindsided" for certain when they find out about this affair on their own, and find out that you did not tell them that their father has been living with another woman.

"It was his decision to bring me to his school so that we could be in each other's presence, he was the first one to mention dropping out of University to just come home and work it out (I am the one who is against that) He has admitted that he will miss the OW, but there has not been a moment of anger from him at all."

Again, you are writing this to point out that you are aware of Dr Harley's advice, but you will not take it. What, then, are you seeking form this forum?

"Is any of this a good thing, or does it just sound like I'm making excuses?"

It sounds like you know better than the collective experience of Dr Harley and this forum's regular posters, and that you will choose your own path. Nobody here is going to support you in that. You are in for a false recovery, which could mean years of contact between your H and this woman. Not many men leave their good marriages to try and make a life with their skanky affair partner, but you are increasing the odds of this happening by not busting up this affair and ensuring NC for life.

Are you going to be in every class with your H, and at his side at every moment, while he is on campus? Do you know why Dr Harley says that affair partners cannot work together if the marriage is to recover? Are you aware how easy it would be for your H to hook up for sex with this woman during coffee breaks, and lunchtimes, while skipping class and while making up classes to tell you about - that do not exist but are opportunities for him to have sex with her? Are you aware of how it will cripple his recovery to see his live-in partner in class day after day?

You do NOT know better than us how to handle this, and your pain on the discovery of more lies and deceit will be much worse than this original pain.

It's your life, and how to handle this affair is your decision to make, but you won't get any support from this forum for taking your own path.

The OW's H should be informed NOW. He is currently being harmed by this affair and has every right to know.

There is absolutely no reason to put off telling him. I have no idea why your children being informed in person should have anything to do with informing him. Your WH should not have any say or involvement in it.

Delaying exposure to the OPS is a terrible idea because often times it just gives the waywards the chance to get to him/her first and gaslight them so that they will not listen to you.

This is the plan to follow if you want to recover your marriage.

I have some problems with this.

You haven't even done the full exposure so I am not sure why you would make note that your WH did not get angry. Sounds like it's trickling out and he's involved...which is the least effective way to bust up an affair (and yes it is still ON). You haven't exposed to your children or to the OWH which are probably two of the most important parties to expose to.

It also sounds as if you have discussed this course of "recovery" with your WH so he is very happy that you are going to allow him to remain in contact with the OW for the next four months so that he can continue the affair. So of course he is not angry.

This isn't MB and this isn't the path to recovery. You are standing on the train tracks and the train is coming for you. We are telling you to GET OFF.

Yes, this is a physical affair....and as soon as you leave, it will continue. Your WH and the OW are in love and every moment they are in contact, your marriage is in grave danger.

You don't seem to be grasping this.

When will you be exposing to OWH?

When are you telling your children?

What am I seeking from this forum? I suppose I was looking for a safe place to talk it out, a place where I could note events as they happen and get positive feedback and an honest discussion. I was hoping to find a bit of compassion for my confusion and a little understanding for the fact that I�ve never been through anything like this and haven�t a clue what I�m doing.

What I didn�t expect was immediate judgement based on very little information. At the time of my first post the whole thing was new. I had JUST confronted my husband and the OW, so things were still very raw. What I hadn�t expected was abject condemnation for what *I* had done wrong. Yeah, I get that you�re a veteran, yeah, I get you see this thing all the time in this forum. What I don�t get is your need to add insult to injury by telling me that there is no support to be found in this forum. Perhaps it is you who is not reading the posts at all.

I do know that it is recommended that my husband drop out of the University. I am having a very hard time with that, for several reasons. One, I will push it until SHE drops out, why does it have to be my husband? Two, a lot of damage has already been done because of the affair, but it is repairable damage. If my husband drops out of school, I will lose everything, not just trust for my husband. His schooling is funded by the Workers Comp board here, meaning they have paid for every aspect of our lives for the past 3 years because of his injury. If he does not complete his re-training program we owe them for the support. That amounts to $388,000. We do not have $388,000 to pay them back. If he drops out and does not complete the program it jeopardizes *every* aspect of our lives, not just our relationship. It means my kids also have to drop out of University, we no longer have health care for them, or his injuries. We will lose our home, our farm, and will spend our lives making payments. So right now, I don�t know how to justify putting my home, life, children and future at risk, I suppose I see it as a last resort. I have lost a lot already, I don�t know how to wrap my head around losing everything else. We only have four months to go, what�s the point in working it out if we have nothing but more suffering to deal with in the end? It may seem obvious to you, but it is not to me. Not right now.

He cannot transfer. That�s not my decision, that�s a matter of circumstance. We live in Northern Canada, there are no local schools. This one is the only option. This is not a community college based program, this is University, in Canada, you can�t just flip around like that.

As for exposing him further, to the OW�s H�it will have to wait. Two of my kids are already aware. I have a child who is not in a position to hear such news, nor deal with such news. I�m sorry, but I will not elaborate further than saying there are things more important for him to be worrying about right now, other than his father having an affair.

As for telling the people I trust�I mean those who are not going to use it for their own agenda, and those who will keep it from my son for now. One sibling knows, others are estranged so there is no need to inform them of anything. I wouldn�t tell them if we won the lottery, so why would I share this? I�d be better off telling my 10th grade English teacher. There are no parents to be told, unless you�ve got a direct line to the dead you would like to share with me.
Their closest Classmates know, and our closest friends.

My husband and I have spent every single moment together since I arrived, unless you count time on the toilet. And yes, that means classes and lectures. I don�t know how it works where you are, but here, the education is free, it�s the degree to hang on the wall that costs so much. There is nothing to stop me from attending his every second at school.

The whole thing sounds bad, from every angle. Every way I look at it, it just plain sucks. But please don�t make assumptions that I am an idiot who isn�t worth the time.
The reason I started posting here was because I knew there were issues with my Plan A, and thought that opening up a conversation would help. Sadly, the walls seem to be made of bricks around here, so since my plan A is too twisted for anyone to help with, I will just see myself out�

Thank you all for your time.

If you want HER to quit, the best chance would be exposing to her H.

The thing is, this isn't a plan A, it is plan Hide the little secret from everyone like nothing happened.


I am in "northern Canada" too, which is a pretty small place and I do know that you can't transfer out the last semester of a BEd. So my question is, why not use exposure to get her the heck out?

Talk to the WCB caseworker about deferment options. Tell them what happened.

Are they in class together?

Could you please point out where I "judged" you? I don't believe that I did judge you. What I DID do was warn you against, in your innocence, setting yourself up for a false recovery. I see that I should not have done that, because you interpret that as being insulted. I only wish that I'd had someone to warn me when I went through about 10 false recoveries from my husband's affair. As soon as I found this website and realised what I'd been doing wrong, I implemented Dr Harley's advice. I didn't need to learn the hard way yet again about false recovery - but perhaps you'd prefer to experience this first-hand.

I didn't say that. I said

I think there is a big difference, and you have distorted what I said, and what I meant. How does doing that help you?

Could you point out the words I used that showed this assumption? I think you must have made an assumption of your own to attribute that sentiment to me. I would not have spent several minutes on each of my posts to you, each one giving you advice on what to do and what pitfalls to avoid, if I thought you were not worth the time.

And I responded to your "conversation" and pointed out the issues with your Plan A. You seem to be angry that I did not endorse your plan, but how can I endorse something that I can see will lead to problems?

We can only post based on the information you give us. What else can we do? We tried to gather more information about exposing to OWH and to you children, but you refused to give it.

As a moderator posted on another thread this week, "the purpose of this forum is to learn how to apply Marriage Builders principles to solve the issues in your marriage. We are not a blogging forum." When you post here, people respond immediately to take you through the steps of the MB programme. I'm sorry you don't appreciate my taking the time to do that.

alis,

So all 3 of you are sitting in a classroom?

Thanks for your time.

@alis
Actually, yeah. I can sit wherever I want in the auditorium. We've met. That's how I was able to tell his close classmates. They were surprised to see me and asked what I was doing south. I answered with "To be honest, * & * are having an affair". I do realize telling her H would probably be the best way to get her out, unless of course he feels the same way I do. I have intentions of contacting him...trust me, I'm not going to sit by and watch my world fall apart while she gets to travel through it all smooth and glittery.

I've only hidden it myself from one person. Yes, that's a major player, her husband, and I do grasp the problem with that, I just don't know how to rectify that without putting my kid at harm. (They live in the same city, believe it or not, and there's a good chance they know each other) Everyone else that I deem important in my life except my two sons are aware of what's going on.

My H did contact the WSIB caseworker the day after I confronted him, because he also thought dropping out and coming home was the best place to start. All she was able to tell him at that moment was that if he dropped out, they would stop paying immediately. She said she would have to look into the rest, so that's still up in the air. One problem is WSIB is our only income at the moment, I work the farm, which runs in seasons, and he is not able to do any physical based employment because WSIB has put him in retirement for retraining.

OKB, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am catching up on your thread and wanted to respond to this post. The first thing you should do - IMMEDIATELY - is inform her husband. The longer you wait to expose this affair, the more entrenched it is, and the harder to bust up. There is no earthly good reason to drag this out and many reasons not to drag it out.


Then stop lying about the affair to your kid. Tell him/her all about the affair. It is lies and adultery that harm children. The truth helps them deal with life. You can tell the OW's husband and your child on the same day.


Please clarify what you mean.. WHO do you deem important? If you read our best practices on exposure, then you will know that family, close friends, OW's family, husband and the school should be informed. And most especially CHILDREN.


How long will it take him to get another job? Because if he doesn't get out of there, your biggest problem won't be a job, but a divorce. Will you benefit from his job if you are divorced? That is the question you should be asking yourself.


It is a safe place to discuss and follow the Marriage Builders program. We can understand you don't know what you are doing and are here to help. The posters are trying to clear your confusion and give you a plan. But you have to follow it.