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Let me add some nuance here beyond the car issue, but I think it will illustrate the challenges we face that are unique to us and my career. We may share some similarities with military couples.
I am in the Foreign Service. We move every 3 - 4 years. We have been doing this for 17. We have served (note the emphasis on served) in Moscow, Kiev, Addis Ababa, Nairobi, Seoul and St. Petersburg (Russia, not Florida). Our first assignment to Addis Ababa was directed. After that, we have had some say in where we go, but there are never guarantees as the "needs of the service" always will take precedence.
My approach to bidding on assignments is to look at the list and the requirements for bidding. These requirements are generally as follows: 1) you must bid 4 assignments at your current rank (so-called core bids); 2) you may bid on up to another 4 assignments one step below or one step above your rank; 3) you may bid on one two grade (two ranks above you stretch); 4) if you have not served in a hardship post w/in the last eight years, you must bid on a hardship post (defined as any post with a hardship differential).
I then come up with priorities. Do we want a good school? What is the housing like? Is it dangerous? If so, how dangerous? Is the danger level something we are willing to risk? What are the spousal employment opportunities, etc. What is the work like? Who will I be working for? What are my chances of promotion? (Hint: Hardships produced more promotions, and some hardships really aren't so hard)
I have had two experiences with this with my wife that illustrate either she doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand how the system works.
Several years back, we both sat down together and put together our list. Before submitting the list to my CDO (Career Development Officer), I asked my wife whether there was any post on the list where she could not see herself living for three to four years. If there was, I would remove it. The list was as follows:
1. Cairo; 2. Nairobi; 3; Tirana; 4) Johannesburg; 5) Belgrade; 6) Dar - es - Salaam; 7) Moscow; 8) Kiev.
We received our number two bid. After receiving it, my wife declared she would not go to Nairobi and I should demand a new assignment. Of course, I did not do this because we had jointly agreed to the list that was submitted.
Fast forward to last year. I wanted to stay in Washington, DC after four years in St. Petersburg, Russia without my family. I bid my list top heavy with Washington assignments (there were only four), and my fifth assignment was Warsaw. My wife kept telling me NOT to put Warsaw on the list even though I HAD to put four core bids on the list, and the actual number of bids available at core was limited. Other posts available were truly evil places like Lagos (although I would go there for the $$$$). So, I feel given the requirements for bidding it was not reasonable for her to ask me NOT to put Warsaw on the list as this was not possible. That is what I mean by reasonable vs. unreasonalbe.
The same goes of the car. Safe, reliable and affordable. There is a limited budget. Addiitionally, I strongly feel that a German luxury car is not an appropriate car for a teen driver, as my car will be shared with my daughter. The IIHS list provided plenty of safe cars. Initially, I fixated on a VW Jetta, but after my wife pushed back, I did more research and settled on a used Volvo S40. My wife wants a Mercedes Benz GLK SUV. It is twice the price, not as reliable by any measure and not an appropriate car for a teen driver. I don't care what you meant by reasonable. I don't want you to explain it to me. I want you to stop describing your wife's choices as "unreasonable". She had every right to say where she did and did not want to live, and if you were a considerate spouse you would have ruled out anything she wanted to rule out. Are you saying that when she changed her mind about Nairobi, you forced her to go there anyway because she had initially agreed to it? If so, I am horrified. Dr Harley would never endorse that kind of behaviour. All you have done by giving me more detail about the car is state what you stated in your first, and then your second, post, but even harder. All you have demonstrated is that you are willing to ride roughshod over your wife's views and continually dismiss them as "unreasonable", rather than openly discuss her preferences and come to a solution. I have an inkling that your job in the Foreign Service, and the assets that you have built up over many years of marriage, mean that there is a comfortable amount of money in the bank, but you do not want to spend it on a luxury car. Your wife does. I'll bet it isn't a case of there being a "limited budget"; the truth is that you alone have decided what it is reasonable to spend, and you alone have decided that that's your budget. You don't see any earthly reason why you should spend $40,000 on a car, and you will not spend it. Your wife knows that you as a family are comfortably off, and she would like a luxury car. That is where the impasse lies. But your view is no more rational than hers, so stop coming back here to tell me that it is. Your wife is not an idiot, and I have no doubt that she knows the price of money. It is equally horribly disrespectful of you to talk about her feelings about where she wants to live in the way you do. Your language is riddled with disrespectful judgements, and if the above is the way you treat your wife's opinions, you have not begun to learn Marriage Builders. Are you going to keep coming back here to argue your case with me, or are you interested in learning the Marriage Builders programme? And may I ask why you have been posting on this forum for such a long time and have apparently never even learned the basic concepts, much less put them into operation?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Fast forward to last year. I wanted to stay in Washington, DC after four years in St. Petersburg, Russia without my family. You lived apart, on an entirely different continent from your family, for four years? That is not the kind of marriage that Marriage Builders supports. If you have been reading here you will know that. Do you know that? You can hardly come to the forum after living your completely independent lifestyle pretty much throughout the marriage, separated from your wife by thousands of miles for years, with her having affairs as she pleases and you dismissing her views and telling her there is a "limited budget" when YOU choose to limit it, and suddenly want to get MB support for your independent decision about the car. Your marriage is in such a non-MB state that you would have to change your entirely lifestyle, starting by giving up that job and living together forever, before you could begin to use POJA or any other MB concept in your marriage.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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And I did change jobs once already for my wife and nothing changed. The problem isn't the car, but that your marriage is a wreck because of your destructive, marriage wrecking behavior. Have you ever considered actually using Marriage Builders?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Stepping back to the discussion of the bid list and Nairobi, my sense and understanding is that with regard to POJA that was what the list was. We decided jointly what posts would be on the list. I, in fact, did give my wife the choice to remove any post from the list that she didn't want. However, after she has agreed to the list and it is submitted and we get our number 2 bid, I feel it is not fair for her to change her mind and then demand that I go to my CDO and request an assignment change. I would like to see how that one would work in the military. Sorry sir, but my wife does not want me to go to Afghanistan!
As to the statement regardingit was disrespectful of me to put something on the list that my wife clearly did not want, you do not understand how the process works. I must have core bids and if the core bids are places she does not want, they go low on the list, but there is no guarantee I will not get them.
I have never required my wife to come on any assignment. She has freely chosen to do so, although she will not admit this in therapy. I live in a world where cold hard reality does not always permit 100 percent POJA.
As to the car, the decision has not been independent. I have asked for my wife's input. Again, she is putting her needs above our needs. We need a safe, reliable car that we can afford. We cannot afford a luxury car - or at least I cannot afford a luxury car and the answer is not "well, you should go out an make more money," but we should "live within our means."
I would love to see what is said about a wife who tells her husband "he should make more money" so she can have the expensive things she wants. I would tend to think that is not something that is MB.
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. . . but, if I didn't need to get a car to get my DD back on the road to learning to drive, I would continue taking the bus until hell freezes over before buying a Mercedes.
I got out of the car yesterday and walked home rather than ride with my wife when she started in at me yet again with her abusive language and name calling. I will not stand for it and would rather walk home in the cold than sit in a warm car with her when she is like that. I have told her that. It is one of the boundaries I set for acceptable behavior.
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Have you ever heard of Marriage Builders?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is there a reason why you have been here for 13 years and don't have the slightest, foggiest idea about the program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you are interested in Marriage Builders, I would suggest you start here: A Brief Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts It is not our place to spoon feed you the program after 13 years. It is up to you to actually do some reading and educate yourself. We can't force you to do that, but we also can't teach you the entire program because you are too lazy to read the material.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It appears both yourself and your wife are mixed up and at a stand off between one another's needs vs wants. Thoughtfully learn to understand needs over simply what you want and you might start understanding what your new car actually is going to be.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Well, we happened to stop by the MB dealership yesterday and DW decided that the car she WANTED is not the car after all and she does not object to the one I want to buy. I just don't understand why we needed to go through all the sturm und drang to get to that point.
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So you just here to blog and not do anything to try and fix your problems then?
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Well, we happened to stop by the MB dealership yesterday and DW decided that the car she WANTED is not the car after all and she does not object to the one I want to buy. I just don't understand why we needed to go through all the sturm und drang to get to that point. The reason you went through all that sturm and drang is because you do not have the skills to resolve problems. That is what the program teaches couples. This forum is not a conflict resolution forum, but a skill building forum. If you ever become interested in using Marriage Builders, let us know and we can guide through the program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Another topic I keep trying to broach with her is getting her to accept responsibility for her actions. She is a dangerous driver. She speeds, weaves in and out of traffic, etc. She was 2 points from losing her license and I suggested to go to a driver safety course to a) get the points reduced; and b) learn to drive safer. She almost caused an accident to day by changing lanes without looking. When I expressed my concern, she said it wasn't her fault because traffic is always slow.
She also received to $300 speed camera tickets in the last month, but since the car is registered in my name they come to me. She says the only reason she "has to speed" is b/c she is always in a hurry, plus the "speed limits are too low." They are 25 mph in the District of Columbia unless otherwise posted.
Now, I do tend to agree with her that the DC Traffic Enforcement Cameras are more of a revenue generating scam than a traffic safety measure as they don't post signs that would slow traffic (as they do in neighboring Maryland) and there is no viable way to contest the ticket. You just have to pay. I am thinking, though, of transferring the registeration of her car to her name that way in the future she can pay her own tickets. I've already said she cannot expect any allowance money for spending as it went to her traffic violations and if she loses her license she will be come best friends with the Metro app on her iPhone.
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The purpose of this forum is to learn how to apply Marriage Builders principles to solve the issues in your marriage. We are not a blogging forum. So please get on to whatever questions you have, or in the interest of the valuable time of our volunteers, we will have to lock this thread.
MBSync - moderator
mbsync100@gmail.com
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Could not believe this thread. Imagine valuing a car over your marriage.....
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I've already said she cannot expect any allowance money for spending as it went to her traffic violations and if she loses her license she will be come best friends with the Metro app on her iPhone. You are a not so benevolent dictator. She is not your child. I can see why the others are tired of giving you input. You haven't even asked a question. It is apparent that you have no interest in learning healthy marital skills.
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You seem to be interested in wasting time.
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