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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 5
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 5 |
I have read the Doctor's material on conflict resolution. I am looking for any other guidance.
The situation:
My wife is amazing... she is beautiful, smart, fun, extremely energetic. However, she has a fuse about a millimeter in length. She uses hateful statements when mad, and she gets mad easy. When we do not agree, I can "sometimes" stay calm and stay on the "high road" and I try to engage her in discussing both sides.
I am no angel but I am literally the only one who bends in this relationship and listens to the other side. I have tried everything short of leaving to get her to listen and she doesn't.
I wait until later when she is happy.. then I try to start discussing it in a positive way and discuss her points as valid, but as soon as I start to even go toward defending mine it's right back to an argument or she won't stop and listen to what I am saying (literally keeps talking right over me).
Any guidance on how to deal with someone who will not hear another side... I'd love to hear it.
thanks
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
What parts of the plan are you doing?
15 hours UA time?
Eliminated lovebusters?
Eliminating lovebusters is like filling in the holes of the bucket. UA time fills the bucket.
If you do it successfully your wife will be in the state of intimacy and very reliant on your good opinion of her. Love is like a drug. It is completely legal to drug your wife in this way!
If you 'sometimes' stay calm then you are 'sometimes' still poking holes in the bucket. She has a defecit lovebank and you cant afford continued withdrawals.
When she lost her sex drive was the sign of going overdrawn. The female sex drive is the canary in the mineshaft.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
PoJA? Can you give us an example of when you followed PoJA for your wife?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
If you have not already done so, I would highly recommend reading the book Lovebusters, and if your wife will join you in that task even better.
She will need to learn to control her AO's while communicating with you. And the way I am reading your first post, I am wondering if you are DJing her by trying to persuade or educate her on a topic. In any case, learning about LB's and how to avoid them will help termendously.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Also listen to these. Anger Management 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
There is *much* more to Marriage Builders than just conflict resolution! I suggest you read this article: How to Deal With a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife There are ways to address your problem, but arguing with her is not one of them.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Can you be specific about what you and your wife disagree about?
Do you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement - do you ever do anything that she is not enthusiastic about?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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