OKB, I can tell you from a personal and recent experience that there is NO SAFER place to talk about your situation. I have been on this same roller coaster ride since 3/23/14 when I was a caller on the radio show.

Compassion is defined as "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." These people want you to have a marriage built on romantic love and have the tools to teach you, you just have to be willing to listen and use the tools they provide you and your suffering WILL be alleviated.

Yes everyone that I've read that has followed your post has been and will continue to be compassionate about your situation. Don't be confused with the directness of their responses to be unsympathetic in any way. Like I've said...been there, done that. These people know what they are talking about. I know it is scary and you are operating on blind faith that you are getting good advice, but trust me you are. I've lived it and I've trusted them blindly to help me through my situation and I am in a totally better place because of it. They are direct because many of them have lived through their own crisis and recovered in their own capacity using the MB Principles. You will also survive and be in a better place IF you follow their advice and the MB Principles.

I ran across this quote the other day that has summed up my MB experience and particularly the experience I've had with the posters on the forum: "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the full staircase." by Martin Luther King Jr.[img:center]http://www.brainyquote.com/slideshow/topics/top_10_faith_quotes.html[/img]
I implore you OKB to take the first step and climb the staircase with the help of MB and the forum. They do have the best interest of your marriage in mind.

I can also tell you that your feedback will NOT always be positive. If it were always positive, you wouldn't need this safe place would you because that would indicate that you knew what you were doing and you were doing everything right. You haven't been through this before and you will make mistakes. Everyone here will help you, but you have to take the action and be willing to change the way you think to a MB way of thinking which is one where you want to build your relationship with your husband to be full of romantic love and not one of caring love.

Welcome OKB,

I can remember how I responded to the news my husband had fallen in love with another woman and was quickly leaving me behind. It was shocking and difficult to wake up each morning and have to face this new reality. I came to MB and quickly wanted to move to the recovery mode because, like you, ----and especially given after my husband seemed on board w/MB plan, we could skip over this and that and qualify our actions as important and less important. We are the kind of people used to calling our own shots. Its not that I didn't stand up to my husband and explain the program and what was needed. And he even was counseled/coached by Dr Harley's son Steve. But the life style changes advised seemed over-the-top and unnecessary to my husband. I felt in the same box you are in in that we stood to lose everything of material value we'd worked for too if we placed the marriage above everything.

For now, this is what I'll say I learned that might help you now:

-It does not sound like you'll be able to 'sit' on your husband while he attends classes for long. You will be heading back to your farm without your husband. You'll have established a prisoner -warden relationship. This will create LB withdrawals on both ends because its not flattering to either of you.

-Its likely (especially if you don't speak with OW husband) your husband will resume his relationship w/OW. Its an addiction. He'll get better and better at gas lighting you and helping you think he's in recovery with you. (Sorry)

-Without extraordinary precautions, soon you will find yourself triggered from anything to do w/WH school environment and it will take on a life of its own. Basically, you will be traumatized. PTSD.

-The trauma will lead you to physical ailments.

In the aftermath of my experience, I've concluded the experience was a calling for me on many levels. It was very difficult for me to wake up. I didn't see I was adrift. Or we were adrift. It did start with my husbands poor boundaries. I know myself better now. I know the right choice is always in line with my values. I don't have to be concerned with what happens if we lose everything or whatever 'fear' pops up and tries to diminish me.

When Steve H coach us, he'd use the metaphor of flying a plane blind without using the instruments. Pilots are instructed to follow their instruments when their own perspective is thrown off. Consider the MB plan, the advise from members here as your 'instruments.' Following the instruments might seem counterintuitive in your own eyes, but this is the best way forward from an infidelity.

I probably will tell them on the same day, my son first. I know it is difficult for anyone to accept that there are reasons I cannot yet tell my son, but in all honesty, his circumstances are such that I would walk away from this marriage completely before I would place this on his shoulders at the moment.

The people I deem important are the people who are involved in our daily lives on a regular basis. These people include family, friends, classmates, and at this point, 3 of my 4 children. (Please know that my children are all adult, none of which are living at home, 2 are in their own homes with their own families, and two are away at school. Other than the shock and dismay at the situation, none are living with the daily impact/tension/stress that younger children would experience. They are, for the most part, able to deal with their own reactions) I have not made the school aware, as there are no policies against classmate relationships, and as for professors/teachers, the auditoriums are filled with about 700 students, the professors are not even able to put faces to names.
Unless there is a crime committed, the school will not hear my plea. There are several of their classmates who are now aware of what has happened. As for our family and friends, they know. There are no work or church associates to tell. Everyone that I can think of who can be influential, plays any sort of role in our lives, and who I have access to, has been told (except my son and the OW's H, like I've said) I have read about contacting OW's facebook friends, but how do you do that if her friends list is private? My H and I don't use facebook the way most people do, so neither of us have an extensive list of people to contact like you recommend in your exposure post. I think it covers almost everyone who is suggested.

There is no job to be had until he finishes his degree. As I have said above, all income stops if he does not follow through with his degree.

THAT is the question that brought me to the conclusion that dropping out is not an option. Yes, once he finishes his degree and starts working, it would be a major benefit to me if we divorce. Our lives are such that if we were to walk away, he is obligated to maintain my standard of living (legally) for a minimum of three years. He would not be able to do that if he walked away from his future career. This is the difference between a six figure income, and stockboy pay. You can't get blood out of a stone. Having him drop out now is a bit like shooting the goose before it lays the golden egg just because there's a chance that the egg might be broken.

Thank you SKD. I am trying to follow the rules, but you're right about feeling blind. I am trying to have more faith in this group of strangers, but it's hard. I know I will get there...

You may have hit on something here...what if "romantic love" isn't really the priority? And by romantic love, are we talking sexual intimacy with each other, or something else? What if we are looking to just go back to the way it was four months ago before he left for school? These are things I ask myself as I read through the forums. Romantic love isn't really the priority in our marriage, it never has been in all our 30 years. The promises we made to each other were more based on mutual caring, respect, companionship. Although an intimate relationship is not a problem for us, it also isn't a priority. One of the things I am trying to deal with is the idea that I don't really care about them having sex. I'm more hurt by the fact that he turned to another woman for support on school related issues, for entertainment, to discuss his daily successes, heck, I'm more upset that he might have watched a Sunday night game with her than I am about them having sex. Although I have never told him, I can pretty well understand how it happened. He was used to having someone to share everything with, and suddenly he was alone with me 7 hours away. It's why in my thread title I ask for help with an emotional affair. On the one hand, I feel like I'm letting myself down by understanding the circumstances, but on the other, I feel like it will be a big part of our recovery. This is one of the dilemmas I'm trying to deal with.

I agree with you here...as much as we have had an interesting time going to class, *I* am actually feeling the overabundace of constant contact. At the moment, he is sitting three rows in front of me because I want to have some time to myself to respond, it does feel a little like prisoner-warden. I have been thinking about what will happen when I head back all week. I am hoping to have something worked out with my one son (the one who knows) to have him care for the farm over the next few weeks until I can finally contact my other son and the OW's H. This is highly possible as I found out this morning my son (the one at school) needs to do a six week practical and he can do that while staying at the farm. I will need to be at the farm next week however, and I do see the risks. And they do make me panic. My goal is to move here until he is finished school, with us both going back to the farm on weekends. I guess I am holding out hope that the measures I am putting in place will make a difference. (I have access to all of his "technology", email etc. We use a walkie talkie service when we are apart that pinpoints our locations within 3 feet. I've installed refog on his computer and a "find my phone app" on his phone (neither of which he knows about) I am hoping that his classmates will have an influence on him (and his sister, who hasn't stopped texting him about her disappointment (is that healthy or harmful?)) And I know his class schedule and where he should be at any given moment and I am going to use it to my advantage. I know I probably look like a fool, here's hoping I don't have to report a disaster at the end of next week.

While that sounds very dramatic, do you seriously mean that you value your marriage so little? Do you think that your son appreciates your lack of confidence in his ability to deal with the realities of life? What do you think he would say if you told him you ended your marriage just to protect him from coping with this knowledge?

If you don't want to follow the advice, then so be it. But don't try to make it sound noble.

I am not sure that MB is the right program for you because that is a priority to Dr Harley and kind of the point of some of his principles.

Chances are the "romantic love" that you don't value highly is exactly what he's getting from this other gal. Romantic love is the powerful glue that makes couples happy in their marriage. It's not everything, but when it is present, the marriage thrives.

You may not realize it, but there are ways that you can learn to meet each others needs that will produce this kind of love. But first you must destroy this affair.

Brainhurts recommended you have your husband take a polygraph. I do too.

Agree with Mr Eureka.

All of these things won't make a difference while they still have C.

The affair is still ACTIVE until your WH and the OW are completely separated and EPs are implemented that will prevent them from ever seeing each other again.

There is just no getting around that.

It can't go back to that way because "that way" led to his affair. "That way" has destroyed your marriage. Since he is having an affair and has checked out of his marriage, you are more likely to end up divorced. The "way you were" is a thing of the past. He has found your replacement.

And that is fine if you would rather get divorced so you can keep getting his money. But it is more likely you will be competing with the OW for his income in the future. That is the risk you take when you put his career before your marriage. But it is a choice you are making on an informed basis.

I am sure his income makes him more attractive to the OW because she will partake in it at some point.

Since that is the case, there isn't anything we can do for you here. The purpose of the forum is to help posters learn and implement Marriage Builders.

Wish you the best...

First of all romantic love is soooooo much more than sexual intimacy. Sexual Fulfillment is one of the 10 emotional needs that MB's addresses and Dr. Harley states that couples should focus on meeting their spouses top 3-5 in order to create a romantic relationship and in turn their spouse should focus on meeting their top 3-5 emotional needs. It is likely that each of you will have different needs and you must identify them first before you can meet them. I'm thinking you will be surprised about what you perceived your H's most significant emotional needs are, may very well not be what he needs and vice versa for him.

I would recommend you start listening to the daily radio show where you can grasp the basic concepts of the MB's program in real life situations. Even if you can't completely identify with the circumstances presented via e-mails & callers, it can really change your mindset and open yourself up to a new perspective of marriage based on romantic love.

No, it means I value my son's life above all else right now. There's nothing noble about it. There are many people IRL who know both situations, who also think this is best.

Are you implying that a respectable marriage can't be had without an intimate sexual love?

With that I disagree. Sex or no sex, I'm pretty confident that what he needed was a best friend, and since I was so far away, he opted for her.

I do realize it, that's how our relationship has lasted 30 years. And I am working to destroy the affair.
What would I ask during the polygraph? Would that be just to find out if they have had sex? Other things I could think of, like why he turned to her, how he feels about her, etc, I already have the answers too. And the answer to the sex question wouldn't change how I feel or where I'm headed. Is there another reason I would ask for a polygraph test?

I'm not so sure. Maybe I am delusional, but "that way" was good, almost great. It's the last 8 weeks that are an issue. Our relationship was fairly stable, other than we were 7 hours apart and couldn't be at each other's beck and call. I wasn't able to make constant deposits to the LB. I honestly see the affair as a matter of circumstance, rather than him checking out of our marriage. He needed support, he needed someone to relate to, he needed entertainment, he was lonely and alone, she was here and I was not.

No, that is not how it works here. I am legally entitled. He is obligated to support me for a minimum of 3 years, if she were to ever live with him, her income would be included in his, thereby making his payments to me higher. She would not benefit at all. The only thing that would change any of that would be if I remarried, or had an income higher than the court ordered payments. This also applies to my children who are still in school. He is legally bound to pay until they graduate.

I am very quickly learning that there isn't much for me to be had in the way of support here in this forum. I get the feeling that even once I have contacted the OW's H and my son, I still won't get much support. I'm actually okay with that, because it still keeps my eyes open and gives me things to consider.

Sexual fulfillment is not really an issue for us though. I mean, we don't have any problems in that respect, when he is home. We are very compatible, we are both very giving etc., so our sexual relationship has only felt stressed now that we live apart while he's at school. I can see how that is one contributing factor why everyone says he needs to quit school. And we have gone extended periods before without sex, due to injuries etc., but it's never come to this point. For either of us. He and I have talked ourselves blue about what brought it to this point, this time. I realize that I was not filling all of his EN's over the last few months that he has been at school. I realize that *because* his EN's were not being met, he turned elsewhere. Dr. Harley also says that 50% of all spouses cheat, so that means it was probably going to be one of the two of us, right? Because at the same time, my EN's weren't being met either. My rationality with that says that I just happened to draw the short stick.
I will look into the radio show as you recommend.

This is a privately owned website. We are required to offer help based on MB principles. For several days we have been listening to your marriage concerns and attempting to offer you help and point out available resources to you on this site and more. The only help we can provide on this privately owned website and forum is related to MB principles and the resources this website offers.

From what I can tell, these principles so far do not fit your needs, lifestyle an you say your budget. Although many of the resources offered are free or available at a nominal charge.

I'm just saying this because you'll find we will only be offering what is available here. If volunteers make comments to you about your choices its because we are attempting to help you with MB principles and materials.

If you want more, I'd suggest you write to MB Radio where Dr Harley might be able to offer you more then we are able.

I say these things in all sincerity in order to help you through this trying time.

No, he turned elsewhere because he did not hold proper boundaries. Regardless of the state of the marriage.

The program is based on the marriage being the priority, over everything else. The kids, the farm, School, employer, etc. All th�se parts of life support th� mariage rather than hurt it.

I can see in your marriage, it is not the priority, and romantic love doesn't seem to be there much.

You say that this is fine, but clearly this was a need for him. I read your thread as this almost being like an annoyance rather than an act that may destroy your family. You seem fine in financial outcomes of divorce. Passion?