OKB,

If you learn one thing on this forum, know this....

You are not responsible for your husbands infidelity. Again, you are not responsible for your husbands infidelity.

This issue of not meeting needs may be true but you only address such an issue once you officially enter recovery. Your not there at this point. Its not a state of mind.

If you buy that notion YOU were not meeting his needs and this left him avaialble---either coming from yourself (over thinking) or your husband, you'll be subject to more abuse and excuses at any point.

Your husband got involved with this woman at school because he did not have boundaries or extra ordinary precaution around opposite sex friends.

Now you both know he cannot have a female friend.

My husband was one of those guys caught unaware. He likes to be helpful. Fix things. Teach. Next thing you know...

You husband probably did something similar. Sure it was an innocent enough mistake starting out. Now its an addiction. Know your husband needed to tell you of his attraction to this woman way b4 anything happened emotionally or physically.

There is a great thread with a description called 'anatomy of an affair.'


Here you learn the antidotes to keep your marriage safe. You did not have your marriage in a safe condition in terms of opposite sex relationships and this lead to the affair. Most of us do not discuss or comes to terms with what is needed to prevent affairs. Dr Harley has dealt w/affairs and how they happen over and over. Our culture likes to blame the marriage and especially the betrayed thus you are left with two betrayals, spouse an culture. But again he really reason affairs start is due to poor boundaries.
Here you'll/he would learn how to guard the marriage and not allow himself to be open for business.

Perhaps this is because prior to him leaving for school, we fit the bill for the principles of MB. That's how we lived, without even knowing it. We lost sight of those principles when he had to move away. Is that really so hard to believe? Is it really impossible to believe that the circumstances had something to do with his actions? Because I can tell you, that if I start believing our marriage has been a sham for any length of time, this is going to get a whole lot more difficult to recover from.

I know that you all feel like you can't help me, but you've all actually helped me immensely. I read the comments and then I reflect on my marriage. The whole thing has opened doors and made me aware. When I first posted, my dilemmas were about how this made me feel about myself, how to come to terms with being okay with this, how to deal with the deception. I've learned now that I am not a lesser woman simply because I am willing to stay married after it all. I have understood the deception was because of guilt, that his behavior over the last 8 weeks was because of guilt. I have learned that it is okay to forgive him, so long as I stay diligent in the LB, which isn't hard, its how we used to live.

Perhaps it is just an annoyance, a mistake, bad timing, bad circumstance...does any of that make it less important to heal from?

This speaks more to me than anything else I've seen on my thread. This answers me, and sets me on a clearer path. Thanks, Graceful, I will check out that other thread.

OKB,

Folks here know a marriage can be terrific and an affair can still happen. Its not a sign of a troubled marriage. Its not because you were or were not meeting your husbands needs.

Your husband had poor boundaries.

Nobody here thinks your marriage was a sham or a bad marriage. People are trying to tell you that this is a massive sign that the marriage needs help. I could liken this to an artery gushing but you are reacting like a papercut. So instead of treating it like that, or just chopping it off (divorce), why not try and heal it for what it is?

This almost indifference way it is being treated makes for a serious risk of repeat.

This is how I'm feeling. Like we had a pretty good marriage with a very large hiccup.

Is this a polite way of saying I may not be taking it serious enough? I have been questioning myself about that, like at some point is it possible to be *too* forgiving of the situation?

It's almost like I say to myself "Yep, okay, he had an affair. Now lets get to making sure it just doesn't happen again" and weirdly, I feel okay with that. Most of the time. Sometimes I beat myself up because I'm NOT more angry/enraged/devastated/running screaming. But most of the time, I feel like okay, it happened, lets make sure it doesn't happen again. Not just with her, but with anybody else he is around.

Thank you for that. I will give it a shot.

The Harleys are wonderful and you'll get a free book. It helps so much to learn MB by listening to the radio program. Let us know when you hear back from them.

Dr Harley does not advocate or put more stress on the betrayed to 'forgive and forget and move on" He is a big supporter of the wayward extending extraordinary precautions to prevent an affair in your futures.

You don't want to just move forward w/out the precautions or simply do your part and forgive. Sure forgiveness is great and you will likely be ready at some point. How can you commit to a marriage that is yet to be deemed safe to continue in.

You do not want to go back to your old marriage. That is no longer possible. Set your sites on a new marriage. It is possible to have an even better marriage.

Please read this and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

But all this will be to no avail while the affair is still on. And until he is away from the OW and he's established NC then the affair is still on.

I can't say what is in your head, but I will say in hundreds of threads I've read, your written reaction is the most indifferent I have seen from a betrayed wife. Just an observation.

This is all very fresh for you. When I first found out about my H's A, I too was strangely relieved to know the truth, forgiving, just wanted to get on with life. That didn't last though. Do not be surprised if you wake up feeling differently tomorrow, next week, or next month. A roller coaster of emotions can be heading your way.

This will be specifically true when the dust settles, which in your case is when everything goes back to the status quo, you back home, H back in his classes with OW.

Hows that working for ya? The past 8 weeks and the events leading up to it have killed your marriage. He allowed someone else to meet his needs and because of that, he has fallen in love. If he just wanted a "friend," he could be friends with men.


Thats great. Sounds like you should encourage him to pursue his affair so you would get a greater benefit.

Well, it sounds like you could greatly benefit financially from his affair if he moves in with the OW, so I can understand why you aren't upset. This could be a financial boon for you!

I think you are numb right now OKB. This may change when you leave your husband behind and the threat level increases or when you become more time worn due your husband's continued exposure to his AP.

This is how my MB journey started and it has truly turned my life around. If you have not already sent an e-mail, make it your priority NOW!!!

What I said is pretty straightforward and should be easy to understand if you are familiar with MB.

Have you read the basic concepts here on the site?

I appreciate the observation. I see that too, and it makes me question some things as well.