Her affair has been over for some time and I am baffled why you keep trotting this out. It is a distraction to her problems.

You need to go into Plan B.

How to Plan B Correctly

Here is a section from the Q&A that I promised to find for you. In this letter, Dr H tells a woman whose husband cannot choose between her and OW to move away:

The first step is to be the very best wife you can possibly be. Do everything you can to meet his needs, and don't do anything to upset him. Set a period of time that you think you can do this without getting too upset, say, six months. Once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start somewhere else.

If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him.

If you are forced to say something to him, tell him that you love him and hope he can free himself from the addiction of his affair. Let him know that the only way you will consider restoring your relationship with him, is for him to quit his job and move to where you are. From there you will start life over again. Be certain that your words and tone of voice communicate your care for him, not your anger.

Your husband is not likely to follow you right away after you've given him his ultimatum. He will try to develop a relationship with his lover first. But in the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work out because he needs both you and she. She meets some of his needs and you meet others. He will discover how much he misses you when he is with her.

In the event that he stays with his lover and he does not come back to you, you avoid untold sorrow trying to reach a man who is in love with another woman. As you wait for his decision, it is very important to surround yourself with your family and friends as you go through this crisis. In the end, if he chooses his lover, the experience will be much harder on him than on you.

Dr Harley has changed his advice in the section underlined. He now says that women should "do everything you can to meet his needs" - which he also calls Plan A - for 3-4 weeks maximum. When they do Plan A for any longer they become physically and emotionally ill, as I and many other women on this forum, who did not know about this time limit, can tell you from personal experience.

In any case, you have already been doing Plan A for months. You must not do it for a single second more.

You can see from the above that Dr Harley tells the wife to move away, and not to expect her H to move with her immediately. This is what you should do now. Your H will first try and make his affair work. However, it probably won't work because OW cannot meet all the needs that you can. If he does stay with OW after you leave, then he was bound to do so if you stayed; staying with him and letting have two women was never going to break him away from this affair. Therefore, if you leave and he stays with her, you will have shortened considerably the heartbreak that you would otherwise have suffered for several months more.

You have to move. There is no other solution to this problem.

Full article here.

Please move. I just did this and I am so grateful that I did. I moved about a month ago and my WH has not followed yet. I am not sure he will ever follow, but I am thousands of times better off where I am than suffering while he bounced back and forth between us. It takes a lot of courage to pack up and leave. If you need some support/advice, I am happy to share my experience.

Melody,

You wrote Her affair has been over for some time and I am baffled why you keep trotting this out. It is a distraction to her problems.

Because much of what she wrote was about how her H never obtained his satisfaction in this matter, never received his just compensation, and I would guess never even got a full and completely detailed confession. Men will even go along with this ruse trying to act tough on the surface.

God Bless
Gamma

Plan B sounds terrifying - cutting off contact with the one person you most want to connect with -but I promise it is vital to your mental health. The longer you let yourself be subjected to his back and forth, cake eating, stringing you along, the worse you will feel. Not to mention it will make you look worse and worse to your WH.

I did as you did as well and stuck around for awhile. I plan A'd for awhile, bug I just couldn't do it and it morphed into sickness, anger and resentment, which made everything far worse.

Please plan B and move ASAP. Whatever happens in your marriage, it is paramount to your own personal recovery. I know that seems unimportant now, but it is not. You need your sanity and wits to function. I went through untold physical and emotional turmoil ( I developed whooping cough, had a seizure) and even got fired from a job that I was great at because of exposing myself to his affair. But it got to the point where I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I just HAD to go.

I feel much better now and can see my situation more clearly and peacefully. I really do suggest you move and go into plan B. You can address your marriage later if he ends his affair and takes extraordinary precautions. But you cannot do anything to help your marriage if he is an active affair (and that means ANY contact with the affair partner. I actually don't think my WH is sleeping with his affair partner anymore because he'd be way meaner to my IM if he were; however, it's clear they still have contact just by the fact that he hasn't tried to do anything productive to save his marriage). It's a horrible situation because it sometimes feels like giving up, but once you do it, you will realize that you really had no other choice when he is in an active affair.

Thanks for all your advice guys
Yes I'm deff aware my WH is a cake eater and I'm not helping this fact
Last night he came home and gave me a hug and a kiss, got into my bed, told me that he had been thinking of me and missed me. In the next sentence he said he was still going to move out and wondered if I would be able to cope if he did move out! It's a real mind game when he asks that.... 'Will you be ok if I move out?' What sort of question is that??

So before one of us moves out how should I behave towards him?
- If I act calm and ok then I feel he thinks that him moving out will be fine and that our marriage isn't that important to me
- if I keep wanting to talk and getting teary then that does get us talking but I know that pushes him away and he feels guilty
- should I act cold and distant to show that what he is doing is not acceptable
- should I act like a good wife, wear nice things and keep the house tidy?
- should I go out and not tell him what I'm up to or where I'm going? I have come home and he's still been out with her and he seems to think that's ok so should I do the same?
- should I go on a date or meet up with guys?
- should I make out that I'm getting on with life and that I can get over him or will he take that as an insult?
- when he's come back from being out with her should I question him or go cold/distant or just carry on being friendly?

If/when one of us moves out how would I play that mind game?
- shall I move out, not tell him where I'll be or for how long, be cold and not respond if he tries to contact me
- should I move out but keep him informed of where I am and be friendly
- should I wait for him to move out like he says he wants to and then not speak to him at all?
- should I maintain contact and be friendly if he moves out

Does it matter who leaves who?

Thanks so much for your help

P.s. Is there a certain level of safe socialising I can do.... He hates it when I go to a pub with the guys from work, I even joined a meet up group to get more friends to hang out with which he didn't like. Should I stick to safe girl friends so he doesn't get suspicious or should I make him wonder?

You are here and are showing that you have not learned much.

Boundaries! People do not need opposite sex friends when they are in a relationship.

Opposite sex friends is the first step onto the slippery slope to an affair. Which you did once before and now you think it is ok for you to get back on that slippery slope again.

You are not changing your behaviors. So you are showing your BH that you are still the boundaryless woman that had and is capable to have an affair.

I would be as polite to him as possible. But ask him to move out NOW. Tell him his affair is extremely painful to you and you need him to move out now. Go pack his bags for him. Otherwise, he will linger on for years, getting his needs met in TWO places while you have a nervous breakdown.

What you mean is that those are your PERSONAL ISSUES. That is not at issue in this case and discussing a long dead affair is a distraction from the present issue.

Ok I see.... yeah I didn't think jealousy would work - that's a nasty game to play

When will you be going into Plan B? Do you have an IM? He is going to be so mad when you cut off all contact with him. Are you prepared not to answer any of his attempts?

We want to help you heal and get strong. Plan B is going to be tough, but we are here to help you get through it. The sooner the better.

Think I'm going to go for plan b but I don't want to

He's walked out to see his OW.... I didn't let him walk out the door for ages - that was the wrong thing to do right?

I tried to act distant but he assumed that I didn't care and had found someone else!?

Oh my brain hurts!!!!

Did you ask him to move out? When will you be going to Plan B?

Is that what he told you? That he found someone else because you were distant?

Do you have an IM?

Hi there,
So my husband has been having an affair for over 6months now and this addiction just keeps getting worse.
It's totally out in the open, I know about it and so do friends and family. He continually contradicts himself... Saying he's going to move out and then telling me he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce.
He's totally addicted to this person and he says things like.... I can't help it, it's too late now, I can't stop it.... Like its drawing him in uncontrollably rather than him making the decisions. He says he try's not to love me and hates hurting me.
Anyway.... He keeps going to see her, sometimes he lies and sometimes he just says he's off to see her.... Like I'm suppose to accept it!?!
One evening he went to see her and didn't come back until the following day. During that time I tried phoning, messaging, facebooking and he wouldn't reply even though I could see he was online. I told him he was hurting me loads by putting her on his pedestal and treating me like dirt. Apparently while I was trying to contact him they were out shopping and playing the 'happy couple' even looked at a flat!
The next night he came home from work and saw I was dishing up my own dinner - he got really off with me because I hadn't done him some and then he went on to moan that I hadn't contacted him all day and why didn't I phone him!? He said that his other woman was always contacting him saying how much she was missing him and loved him so he asked why I couldn't do the same???!
I just don't know what to do now?? Should I be playing it cool and not contacting him or is it backfiring and he's just using it as another excuse why he should choose her and not me because she's attentive? I'm sooo confused!! Is he playing mind games?

Didn't we already give you advice on next steps?

Did you read our advice and follow through?

Yes, didn't we tell you to go into Plan B?