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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1 |
My wife and I had difficult childhoods, resulting in her becoming a narcissist and myself becoming codependent. Only lately have I discovered the description of our "dance". She is not a mean spirited, evil narcissist. We want to work on our marriage. I am the one who serves primarily. Yes, I know that is my way of controlling, just as hers is to be served. As I study to learn a new, healthy role, what I cannot figure out is how. I've read everything possible on this topic, not grasping my next step. Most marriage building "steps" suggest one person taking the initiative to serve, love, etc. How do I do that now with one who "expects" it without seeing little need to respond?
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
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Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
My wife and I had difficult childhoods, resulting in her becoming a narcissist and myself becoming codependent. Only lately have I discovered the description of our "dance". She is not a mean spirited, evil narcissist. We want to work on our marriage. I am the one who serves primarily. Yes, I know that is my way of controlling, just as hers is to be served. As I study to learn a new, healthy role, what I cannot figure out is how. I've read everything possible on this topic, not grasping my next step. Most marriage building "steps" suggest one person taking the initiative to serve, love, etc. How do I do that now with one who "expects" it without seeing little need to respond? Welcome to MB. How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Have you read this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We want to work on our marriage. Hi woodcutter, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would first suggest you leave your childhoods in the past, because they won't help you now. I would abandon this idea of "serving" because it will ruin your marriage. One sided giving [sacrifice] leads to resentment and it also leads to neglect and false expectations of entitlement. A successful marriage does not work that way. We can teach you how to create a great marriage, but you first have to give up your ideas about capitulation, sacrifice and "co-dependency." Check this out: How to Make Your Wife Happy and this: How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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